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''What is wrong with you?''
Devin looks up from her tray. It was Thursday, the second to last day of school. And it's just been hell to wake up day by day and come to a place full of memories. Devin Greene was sitting in her spot again in the cafeteria that afternoon and Sheri Holland stood before her.
''Excuse me?''
Sheri folds her arms across her chest. ''You haven't been coming to practice and we're at a stump with our routine.''
She chuckles dryly. ''Are you fucking kidding me, Sheri?''
She takes a deep breath. ''I know Jeff's death is hard to deal with-''
She looks away with the roll of hers.
''But you're still living life. You can't just throw everything away because he's gone.''
She clenched her jaw. How dare she have the balls to say that to her? She doesn't know what it's to lose someone like Jeff.
She pushes her tray forward and grabs her bag while taking a stand. She slips the strap of her bag over her shoulder. ''Fuck you!''
She bumps her shoulders against hers and walks out of the cafeteria.
× × ×
''Devs,'' Clay softly calls.
She didn't even respond. Her gaze was focused somewhere out on the field. Her arms wrapped around herself, holding onto herself tight.
A sigh fell from Clay's lips. Jeff's death took him just as surprise as it did Devin. Only, Clay's relations with Jeffery Atkins was never nearly on the level as it was with him and Devin. She was a physical and mental mess.
He climbs up the bleachers by two more levels and took a seat next to her.
''Can you please talk to me,'' He quietly begged. ''Please?''
She turns to him and meets his gaze. There was a glossy sheer over her sadden brown eyes.
''I miss him, Clay.''
Her voice was weak, so feeble and quiet. If the wind had blown, you wouldn't even hear a word of what was said. Her cry would've gone with the wind.
''I know,'' He nods his head. ''I miss him too.''
Her bottom lip began to quiver. It's only been four days since his death and she was still able to cry on the spot. She felt pathetic.
''He had a plan,'' She clears her throat and inhaled a shaky breath. ''He was planning on leaving this town after graduation and marry me.''
His eyes went wide. He couldn't believe that they were that serious about each other so young. Maybe they were truly meant to be together.
''That night he died, he-he told me he loved me,'' She stammers. ''That was the first and last time he had ever told me that. But,-'' She breathes out a heavy sigh. ''I couldn't say it back. Clay, I was so scared, I didn't think we were meant to be- as much as I cared for him. That was our first and only serious relationship, we haven't even given other people a try.''
She dropped her head and sniffled. ''I can still see him.'' She lifts up her head, the tip of her nose red and tears creating new and fresh streaks against her cheeks. ''When I couldn't tell him I love him. His whole demeanor dropped. That sparkle in his eyes that you see whenever he was really happy was gone, the corners of lips absentmindedly dropped into this little pout and his shoulders drooped, as if he didn't expect me to hesitate. I could tell that I hurt him and I didn't want to. I couldn't even look at him any more, so I left.''
She began to cry through her words. ''I made a lot of mistakes and there's shit in life I regret, but one thing I will never forget is never telling Jeffery Atkins I loved him. Because I did, I-'' She looks up at the sky with her eyes clouded with tears and sighs. ''I love him. I know I love him. I wish it didn't take me so long to realize it. And now, he's never going to hear me say that and I can't believe I let him walk away without him hearing me tell him I love him. It's one thing, breaking up with him. But knowing that I will never get to see him again..''
Clay remained silent. He didn't know what to say, he's never been put in a situation like this. How do you comfort someone without knowing how to comfort them to begin with? To at least understand what they're feeling.
Devin looks over at him, where he was staring off to the field.
She scoffs and looks away, alerting his concern even higher.
''You know,'' She gripped the edge of her seat so tight, her knuckles turned white. ''The second word went around that he died, all these people that I never even knew went to our school would text me or walk up to me and tell me, 'I am so sorry for your loss'. That, 'I know it hurts'. But, they-they don't know what this pain feels like. It feels like-'' She was hyperventilating while she spoke. She was overly emotional to even think of a proper sentence. ''Like I can't breathe, Clay. Like every day, that I wake up has no purpose anymore. Like there's nothing important to wake up to anymore. And the worst part is, I don't think I will ever find happiness again because I have never felt so alone.''
''You're not alone,'' Clay blurts out. ''And I know that this pain that you feel is going to last forever. But it's going to last a while. And it won't be easy. You won't know how to function these next few days, weeks, months, maybe even going on years, knowing every day that you come to school, you won't find him sitting in your third class, waiting to make some ridiculous wager with you. But I guarantee you, you will find happiness again. Jeff would want you to find that again.''
She couldn't help but cry even harder, coming to that point that she was literally sobbing. ''I miss him so much, Clay.''
