The Return of Delilah

Chapter 37

Growing up can be amazing,
But it can even break your heart
-Old Friends by Jasmine Thompson

*****

DELILAH

People weren't kidding when they said after having children there would be no sleep. I was exhausted, physically and mentally drained. Liam had managed to get a couple of weeks off of work, an advantage he had working at his dad's shop. But now that he'd gone back to work and I was left alone taking care of Adrian, I felt like I wasn't functioning correctly.

I always thought once the baby came I would feel better, that I'd be happy like every new mom should ne. Yet as I looked down at the little guy looking back at me I felt... nothing. I felt numb. In the month that Adrian had been in this world I felt like I had improved nothing. Mom and dad came over to help whenever they could, but it just wasn't the same.

How was it possible that only a few weeks into motherhood I felt so guilty and helpless? I was trying to do everything right, yet nothing seemed to work, nothing seemed to improve. And for God's sake, no matter how hard I tried to feel happy I couldn't. I just felt overwhelmed, like this whole situation was too much for me to handle.

Maybe it was.

It was apparent that Liam's family thought the same thing. Nothing I did ever lived up to their expectations. I 'lacked' what they wanted in the woman for their son. They didn't really ever say it directly to my face, but I could sense it. They would judge everything, from the way I dressed myself to the way I changed Adrian's diaper.

It had gotten to the point where they barely even spoke to Liam. He had been so close with them up until he started dating me, and when I got pregnant everything just blew over. They couldn't handle the fact that I had 'ruined' their son's life by getting pregnant, as if I'd done it on purpose.

Little Adrian started crying yet again, and I stood up, looking how he squirmed in his bassinet.

"I'm so sorry, kiddo. I know I'm not good at this," I whispered, picking him up and cradling him in my arms. I could never seem to soothe him, something that made me feel even worse. Liam was a natural though, never struggling with him.

When I saw Liam's car pull up, I felt both relieved and frustrated. Relieved because he would be able to help me a little, but frustrated because I would have to put my happy mask on.

What should have been one of the happiest stages of my life was the most stressful.

I was stuck.

*****

"How long do you think it'll be till dad wakes up?" Adrian asked, looking at Liam who was still sound asleep on the floor.

"Who knows, bud. Just know he'll be in a horrible mood when he does."

"That will be three days already."

I hugged Adrian. He kept wanting to talk to his dad like usual, except happy Liam was nowhere to be found. All I knew was that Liam would be waking up with a terrible hangover and all I could do was offer him coffee.

Assuming that he wouldn't wake up until two hours later, Adrian and I went out to the city to take a walk. He was bored and it wasn't fair that just because us grown ups were having a hard time he be the same. Even then, however, it was easy to tell that my little boy was concerned about his father.