Forbidden: Afterglow

Chapter 25

-VALERIE'S P.O.V-

It has been 3 weeks now. I haven't gone crazy but I am so close to. And it doesn't help that I am feeling more myself, more able to be sexual.
I want my wife. I want Ninfa. I want her sexually.
But. She won't let me. Not even if it is just inappropriate comments. She shuts it down instantly.
My life is all annoyance. But only when I try to be more me. I have my feelings all returning, all the sexual feelings intense. It is fucking horrible.
My magic hasn't fully returned but it's getting close. I've been practicing. And using Jason to do so.
Protecting him now with magic. Each day I add another large protection. It takes a lot of energy but I manage.
Soon I will have him protected as much as my children are. And I hate myself for not being able to heal Dakota when she split her head open. But.. It's not my fault, her physical body was far too tired to heal on her own, even with my protections.
But that's over. And everything is now alright. I'm getting better and that's all that really matters.
Ninfa lays in my arms, asleep. She finally allowed me to turn to male form. Only because I was fully healed down as female. I guess that could be a reason I get aroused more.
I can't sleep. I could. But things just run through my mind. Things I still have to do. And things I will be taking over from Finnley again.
He's so use to the work now. I think maybe I will give him a few territories he can do on his own, permanently, if he wishes. I can't kick my buddy out when he's done a great job.
3 to ..10.. problems have happened. Between chickens chasing farmers on spawn. Or chickens hatching in the eggs at the store. Or the one horned goat that rammed it's horn up a goblins ass. And I laughed so hard to that one.
But he has done a good job. I don't stop him, if it is what he chooses to do. I'll be happy to not be alone, I suppose.
Ninfa nuzzles further into my neck. "Nn.. You.. need sleep."
"I had the little nap earlier. I sort of can't."
"Nn..." She falls back asleep.
I didn't mean to wake her. My breathing is different when asleep and awake. That and my heartbeat.
I let the weariness take over. Sleep takes me. I fall..

I hate waking up alone. I mean, I have Jason in the cradle next to the bed. But... I hate waking up alone.
"I hate waking up alone.."
"I'm sorry. I had to get to work."
"You couldn't wake me for a kiss?"
"I was running late."
I feel bad. Be honest with me, would you feel unwanted? After having a child that your wife had to stitch your birthmess and checked on to see if it healed? She's seen me in gross ways. Why would she want me?...
My dark thoughts get the best of me. I manage to get through the day with my mind not going completely insane. But... I'm.. right.
Her arms wrap around me and she sighs. "You haven't said a word to me since this morning."
"Really? I.. I thought I did."
"You didn't. Did I do something wrong?"
"No. Just my mind went to dark places again. You know. I guess I thought dragging you into it was a bad idea. And is. So, bonus for my silence."
I finish dinners dishes. She distances herself from me. Which means my words were a fuck up.
I never do anything right, do I? I'm trying so hard. I'M TRYING SO FUCKING HARD.
Heading up to bed, she's still in silence. I walk off into the bathroom. In the mirror all the images of me flash. Each way I was disgusting.
Each time I had stitches. Each time I was covered in blood. Each time I felt her heart pull away. They flash before me..
I press my palms on my eyes. Tears fall even if I don't want them to. I'm going insane, Ninfa doesn't find me attractive anymore and I'm going insane.
Rage takes over. My fist smashes into the mirror before I can stop myself. Blood gushes from my hand for a few seconds before it heals.
I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I teleport to earth, to the island.
Sitting by the fire. I pick the pieces of glass out of my hand. One by one.
"W..Why?"
I pull the biggest piece of glass from my hand. "Does it matter, Ninfa?"
"Of course it fucking matters."
Pulling the tiny shards out is slightly harder. I have to recut the area to just dig them out. Enjoy the pain every cut of the way.
"It doesn't matter."
"It matters to me."
"Funny. I didn't want to tell you what was wrong because I thought you deserved better than to deal with my stupid shit. But in that, I guess I fucked my wording up and you shut me out. So, no. It doesn't fucking matter, Ninfa."
I can feel her crying. It hurts my chest. But she's not the only one in tears. I'm just a fuck up. I hate me.
"Why did you do that?"
I sigh and cut open another area to pull a small shard out. Blood running everywhere. Slightly lightheaded from it.
"Don't ignore me. Answer me." She demands.
"It doesn't matter but.. My mind went off on its own. You not seeing me attractive anymore triggered some sort of trance. Started seeing every time I was in stitches. Every time I was bleeding. Every time your heart doubted us because you thought you'd lose me, so you pulled away. It doesn't matter. I don't blame you for being disgusted in me. I'm more than disgusted in myself. Easier to hate me cause I sure hate me."
"What the fuck is wrong with you?"
I pull out a giant piece of glass from my chest. My heartbeats heavily, painfully to me pulling it out. I pull another from my side. Blood spills out fast as it heals. I throw it in the pile of glass.
"Do you really think that low of me?"
"I see it in your eyes."
"No. Because it's not there. You're my wife, I have always found you attractive. That never changed. Even now. You're not seeing right."
My side not healing because if my mood. Depression sinks in. Along with blood loss, I fall back to lightheadedness.
"Do you really want me to leave? Pushing me out?"
"I didn't say shit. I don't know where you got that."
"What the fuck is wrong with you, Val? You never went this far. Never. And I always brought you back. Why the hell are you being this way?"
"My wife doesn't want me. It's fine. Do whatever."
She sighs with tears. "You come to me when you want to talk reasonably." And she leaves.
Why does life matter? I see it in her eyes. She doesn't see me the same.
Why does it matter? Why do I matter?
I summon a bottle of Devil Spirit. Drinking and magically damaged and slowly healing while bleeding constantly. Wonderful idea.
A short time after drinking over half the bottle, I pass out.

Chest pain and feeling Jason crying wakes me. I teleport to him quickly. Ninfa doesn't even wake.
After changing his diaper and feeding him a bottle, I take a shower. 4 in the morning. Hot shower. Still bleeding a little. Eh.
"I love you. I do. You're just an idiot sometimes for letting your mind go that far." Her voice is almost too soft to hear. Raspy. New tears masking.
"Yeah. I'm not wrong though. You don't look at me the same. You won't let me touch you pass a hug, cuddle or tiny kiss. You don't even wake me to say you're going to work. You basically checked out on me."
"No. I didn't. And no, I don't see you the same."
"Good. Thanks for admitting it."
"You're being so unreasonable."
I climb out of the shower and cover myself with a towel. Not like it will matter if she doesn't see me the same.
"Look at me."
Continuing to dry off. I don't want to see how she looks at me. I don't feel love when I look in her eyes. Not since Jason was born. Or maybe before.
She pins me to the wall quickly. Pain radiates here she holds me in place.
"Look at me."
Forced to look up. Rage....so.. so.. L..Lucifer rage.
I feel myself begin to tremble as I'm trapped in her ..his.. her.. his.. gaze..
The.. she... he... no.. no. No love. No love.
I've never been more terrified in my life.. he.. he.. he can't.. she ..
Trapped.. trapped again.. he.. has.. he has her....
Please ..please.. please be a nightmare.. please..