✰ please accept that i'm not the best writer ✰
requests are not being taken at the moment !
they will be opening again once i get a few drafts completed !
cover by @krisbryants !!
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To say the least, these past two weeks have been absolute hell. I've done as much as possible to occupy myself while Eric's away. But I can't help that at night my head always wanders to the terrible thoughts I have, unable to ignore him missing from my side. Quite often I find myself staying awake until 3 am, thinking about how different things could be; how much better things could be. And tonight is no different. Eric returns later today after the long, two week road trip. But that doesn't excite me. Nothing excites me anymore. I've simply adapted to this terrible mood that I carry with me throughout my days, and I feel as if there is no solution; no recovery. In these times, I know Eric would be there for me. But because of his job, that isn't an option. And I know, if he knew what was going on, he would be here in a heartbeat. But I just can't tell him. I can't hurt him like that. I don't want to admit to him how much I hate myself for not being able to spend time with him. I don't want him to feel guilty about not being here, and preventing me from becoming consumed by my demons. I just don't want him to become involved. And while I wish I was overjoyed and unable to sit still, awaiting his return later today, I find that all I can do is wait, silently. The couch I've occupied had become my home in these two weeks. Sleeping alone in the king-sized bed hurt too much. Sitting on the couch, I stare into space, having gotten no sleep in the past 24 hours. Mascara runs down my cheeks, along with tears I just wish would run out. My jaw trembles as I play with my hands, trying to keep myself busy, and those terrible thoughts off of my mind. And then the front door opens. I'm on my feet, but I can't move. I just wait. I wait until I see Eric slowly walk up the steps, making eye contact with me. Although he notices my red eyes and tear-covered cheeks, before he can make it to me, I collapse, falling onto my knees. ( AHSGDG IF YOU'VE SEEN JANE THE VIRGIN , IMAGINE THIS AS WHEN SHE FOUND OUT ABOUT MICHAEL OH MY GOD ) The tears come harder. My sobs become louder. And all Eric can do is pick me up off of my feet, and hold me in his arms like there is no tomorrow. I can't hug him back. I want to hug him back. I can't move. I'm weak, in physique, and spirit. He sways us back and forth as my tears roll onto his shirt.
"Baby, what's wrong? Please, Julianne, let me help you. Let me do anything to make it better." His voice cracks with every sentence. And just that makes my heart break. I'm already hurting him. And I haven't said a word. Noticing my silence, and lack of affection, he softly places me on the couch; the couch I've grown to loathe. Looking me in the eyes, I can tell how concerned I've already made him. My hair falls in front of my face as I shake with every sob. Wrapping his arm tightly around my waist, he raises the other, slowly placing the fallen hair behind my ear.
"E-E-Eric, I-I..." I can barely form a single word, let alone a sentence. My voice shakes. And while you can barely hear me over my sniffles, the words that have left my mouth are barely understandable, anyways. Eric is quick to place his head on top of mine, allowing me to use his shoulder as a pillow. As I continue to blubber, Eric does the talking.
"Julianne, it's okay. Just don't talk. Take deep breaths, and listen. I know exactly what's going on, even though you haven't told me anything. I could tell there was something wrong, and the minute you began finding excuses for postponing our facetime calls, I knew exactly what it was. And while these words might not help you, I'm going to tell you how I feel, so you don't have to. Julianne, sure, you might not be able to be with me all of the time. You stay home, working. I leave for weeks at a time, working. But I don't want anyone else. I've seen my teammates relationships fall apart over things like this, but there's just something about you - about us, we stay strong. I spend every second of every road trip waiting until the day I can finally come home to you. And honestly, it hurts. You know it hurts. But unlike the others, we both keep it together. Because you're so goddamn special, Julianne. And while you think it's unreasonable that you don't come with me, you couldn't be more wrong. The only thing that is close to being unfair is that there is no one else like you. There is no one that would wait for me like you. There is no one that would stick around, and love me unconditionally, like you. I know I might not be home all of the time, I know. But when I am, when I can spend my days holding you, and kissing you, I need you to know that I care. I care so much, baby. My heart's in this, Julianne; even when I'm miles away." My tears have stopped, along with my heart. I simply stare at Eric as he spills his heart out, my jaw still trembling. He lifts his hand, wiping the last of my tears away, gently. I wish I could do the same, noticing the tears in the corners of his eyes. But, all I can manage to do is shudder. And while I'm at a loss for words, I let out a slight sigh, earning another concerned look from Eric.
"Baby, I'm sorry. I just wish-"
"Julianne, do not apologize." And that sparks something in me, something that I've kept inside for so long. Something that I might regret letting out later.
"Bu-but it's just not fair; to you, to me. There are couples out there that can spend every second of everyday together. B-but we don't have that. An-and I can't help but think how much happier you would be if you had someone to be with you all the time. All of those couples are just so damn lucky they aren't us." Eric makes no hesitation in reaching for my hand, bringing it to his lips. My vision is blurry through the numerous tears that have formed and fallen from my eyes. And while I barely realized, I'm shaking again. I'm shaking and I don't know why and I can't stop. I want to stop. I just hate feeling like this; when he's here, when he's away. Sliding closer to me on the couch, Eric lifts and places me on his lap. I immediately collapse into his chest, my sobbing becoming louder. He runs his hands through my hair, calming me as I become emerged by comfort. Placing dozens of small kisses on the forehead and the top of my head, Eric continues to run his hands up and down my back. As my heart rate finally slows, I lift my head from his chest, revealing my eyes that have become even more red, even though it seemed impossible. The look on Eric's face, realizing he's been able to make me smile, taking me out of me seemingly unending mood, is enough to speak a thousand words. Yet, he only speaks five.
"Julianne, we're the lucky ones."
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OKAY SO !! i originally planned on writing something super happy , but i just couldn't ! i felt like there was something missing, like some kind of drama ? i really hope you like it though, even though it didn't start off the happiest ,, and it doesn't really follow the song all that much ... anyways , i really hope you enjoy it sis !! 💗💗
