Renae Dreams (Currently Editing)

6.) Wishing Death

The Library
2 days later

Life, what's the meaning of it? Life... it's just full of shit. Life, what's the big deal about it?
What's so important about living if you're constantly reminded of all the things you don't have?

Why is it a sin to commit suicide?
For the pain that I feel inside
is only bearable if I'm ok to die.
You chose drugs over me,
leaving my heart empty.
You had your chance for redemption
yet you blew it.
You promised to get clean
and I needed you to
prove it.

Time and time again,
you led me astray
and silly me just went on about my day.
Father... that's funny to say.
Know why? Because from day one
all you ever done was push me away.
In hopes of seeing your face,
I began to pray.

When I needed you the most
you were nowhere to be found.
But when you needed that fix
you had no problem
tracking me down.
Leave it up to me
and I'll say I'd make you
watch me drown.
At least with that,
we'll have something in common,
pain... how does that sound?

Reading over her poem, Renae focused her eyes on the word drown, it's what she's been feeling lately. Egypt tried to apologize for telling Ahmed where she was but Renae did not want to hear any of it. She was tired of others apologizing on his behalf, when it was her father whom she needed to hear those sacred words from.

She didn't want to hear I'm sorry from her mom, nor from Bryson and definitely not from her little brother. She wanted to hear her father utter those words and mean it.

"I figured I would find you here," King's voice startled Renae. 

Closing her journal, she looked over at him then scooted over. He sat next to her on the concrete and just stared at the small lake.

"I'm sorry about the other night... you weren't supposed to see me like that," her voice was soft yet distant.

"I don't judge ma... my pops was an addict... that's how he died," he confessed.

A bit surprised, Renae stared at him curiously, "How'd you handle it?"

"Shit, I was already dippin' in tha' streets, so I kept at it and kept my head in dem books. Got dat business degree den got my mom from 'round there."

She didn't respond right away she just stared at the water.

King took the time to really study her. She seemed guarded when they first met but something seemed different today. His eyes roamed down her arms and that's when he noticed the cuts.

Damn, he thought.

"I'm um... I'm sorry for being so mean to you... it's a defense mechanism," she softly apologized.

King didn't need the apology, he figured that out the second time they ran into each other. "No need to apologize." He casually replied.

"Does that offer still stand?" She queried.

"What offer?" He was genuinely confused.