knowing just how to love you

Chapter 8: The Seventh Letter

I am conflicted today while writing this letter. I am so conflicted that I am unable to explain myself. Like always, I question myself when writing you these letters.

First I questioned whether people would fancy or approve of me writing you these letters. And I find myself asking whether or not Allah would approve of me writing you these letters.

I can say that I do not care about what people think of our relation. But Allah, I am way too scared to even think of what he thinks of our relation. We built a good and strong relation with each other.



Yes, we are only friends. Yes, we will only ever be able to see each other as friends. Yes, I can never picture us going or taking our relation anywhere further than the relation we hold now.

But I can’t help but wonder even though in our minds our relation is halal. We do allow our relation to cross or dismiss some of the laws when it comes to boy and girl relations in Islam.

You and I both know what is right and what is wrong. We both have been taught the difference between halal and haram especially when it comes to boy and girl relations in Islam.

This would be the first time my heart has decided to let my mind ponder on the topic. Allah knows why today though.

Why this year? Why 2019? 2019 was going to be my year. The year I find myself. The year I become independent. The year I get my life moving in the direction I want it to go.

This year is going to be the year I make myself happy. The year I make the people I care about happy. The year my silence about my thoughts are truly being displayed to everyone. My thoughts that will lead everyone to be surprised and that I, Zubaidah, daughter of Abbu, actually became something without them.

Moved forward without them. That she is good on her own and she won’t forget how when it came to family she was always feeling like she was left behind. And all she wants in her life is to better that view. All she wants is to see what they see. What they have always been seeing while they are ahead.

She has always wanted that view but she wanted it alone. It is the only thing she ever wanted to prove. She want to prove that the very different emo girl with the whole world condescending her including herself. She could to get ahead and she could do it by herself through her perseverance and through her believe.

That is just how I am. I am here to prove the world, to prove anyone who is willing to hear me out, to anyone who is willing to listen. To make people understand.

So I end this letter with a question to Allah, he who respects women. Is my relation with my best friend wrong?

If it is so then my determination is wrong and my will to complete anything will not be accepted and then nothing I will ever do is right despite having only the best intention.