knowing just how to love you

Chapter 33: The Thirtieth Letter

I do hope I am not haunting you. I do hope that your hope is not as high as mine. I do hope that this does not break you. I do hope that I don’t give up. I do hope that you feel as though you do not need me. I do hope that you want me. I hope a lot of things I do.

I hoped to see you today. Today and everyday after that. Today and everyday after that my hope is crushed. Today and everyday after that hope raises again. Today and everyday after that I find new determination to see you. I never do filter in my hope to find each other again.

I speak as though I had lost you. I speak as though you left me again. I speak as though I am not yours anymore. I speak as though it might be the end. I speak as though we might not make this break. I speak as though the fears I had told you might spring to life.

I speak as though you had abandoned us again. I speak as though we have reached yet another anti climax. I speak as though you don’t miss me. I speak as though I am more scared then you are. I speak as though I know everything. I speak as though you are not. I speak as though we have gone off course. I speak as though so that you are to believe me.

I am scared. I am most of the former mentioned. But I am not lost. But I do not know anything. I know very little if anything at all. I am positive and negative at the same time. But I am mostly grey right now.

I believe everything and nothing my mind produced. I am on a very narrow line of confuse. I don’t know truth. I don’t know false. I am undecided on right. I am undecided on wrong. I most certainly a hundred percent grey. No black. No white. No simple. Only grey. Very light grey. Like your hoodie grey.

Colour is important. Colour is very important. Brown and blue. Brown and blue is what I see. Brown and blue. I know nothing of it. Only brown and blue. It is new. And I know nothing of it.
I will make the best of it. Brown and blue. I will learn to live with brown and blue. I will learn to live with not knowing. I will learn to live with never knowing.

Tell me please. Tell me please if you will. I do. I do really wish to know. I wish know what troubles you. I wish to know what troubles you so bad that has made you forgotten that I want to be there for always. So tell me please if you will. What has scared you into hiding? It is all I wish to know.

But I know my best friend. And yes I do. I know him better then he say I do. I know what he wills. I know what he wishes. I know wishes I do not keep fishing through unwanted dishes. If he wish revenge. The dish is best served cold. He knows me well. I don’t do cold. If he wishes to hide I would let him be. But he must not be long. Come back to me.

I will not be gone. I will be waiting you see. Waiting for I know well what meant to be. If he wishes to forget. And I know he does. I will not push. When he says “ I just want to forget”. When the words goes. Goes form his mouth. I will not pout. Because I love my best friend. From now to the end.