An Angel's Whisper

Part 28: Don't worry

Hey, Neru. It's me. Haku.
You probably never wanted to see this note. But, here it is. My call for help.
I really do want to die. Always have. You know how I refuse to take off my sleeves? Even the skintight ones? Yeah. I'm sure you can figure out why.
Anyway, I just want you to know, I feel like I'm going downhill. If you wonder where I am, I'm sleeping on the sofa.

I̶'m̶ n̶o̶t̶ d̶e̶a̶d̶ I can't guarantee anything. But, don't worry about me. I love you more than words can say. I love you.

Love, Haku

I put the pen down, and placed it on my sleeping girlfriend's bedside table.

I quietly went downstairs. I got out a blanket and sat on the sofa.

God, Neru, I really do love you. You have such a nice scent. Does that sound weird? Couples love each other's smell, right? You smell like happiness. And comfort. I want to fall into your arms and have you gently rub my hair. I want you to console me.

Do you remember our high school prom? Yeah. You went with me. It was a friend date. Even though I winded up in the corner eating those mini pretzels while watching you dance to Selena Gomez with a boy. I can't remember how I felt, but probably jealousy. You took me home, and told my dad I had a great time. I remember crying in my room that night.

Christ. It's 1am. You're awake, now? I can hear you. Go to sleep, babe. I don't want you to be grumpy.

You read the note, huh? You're coming down the stairs. Trying to be quiet. Failing.

I hear that word a lot. Usually about me. Failing. Or other words like that, like failure, failed, whatever.

Neru, go to your room. It's past midnight.

"Babe? Are you okay? I'm worried about you," I can hear your sleepy, raspy voice.

"I'm just fine. Go back to bed."

"No. I won't be able to sleep knowing you could be hurting yourself. I didn't know you cut yourself."

I flinched at that phrase. I felt my heart sink. That hurt. Apparently, I'm not very good at hiding that.

"Oh? Sorry, do you not want me to say that? I'm sorry. I forgot that could trigger."

"It's- it's okay."

"Get up."

I did as I was told. Neru sat where I was previously. She gestured to rest my head in her chest. I followed my instructions.

It's like you could read my thoughts. You gently stroked my hair, and quietly shushed me. I pulled the blanket up to my mouth.

I felt a feeling. It was a nice feeling. I've never felt it before. It's like comfort, love, but sadness all rolled into one.

I feel your lips tenderly kiss my head. Thank you.

"Haku?"

"Yeah?"

"Are you really feeling suicidal?"

"A little. It's like... On and off."

"Oh. Hm. I wonder if that's bipolar disorder?"

"Maybe."

"Try and sleep, baby. I'll be right here."

That's what I don't want. I want you to leave me alone. Please.

"Neru, I-"

"Shhh, shh, sh. Go to sleep."

"I want to be by myself."

"Are you sure you'll be good? You won't hurt yourself?"

"No-one's getting hurt."

"Alright. If you seriously want to be left, I'll go back upstairs. I'm trusting you."

Yes, mum. Go away, now.

"Alright."

I moved so Neru could get up.

"Goodnight, Haku. I love you."

"I love you too."

You left. Sorry for scaring you. But I'm scaring myself, too. It's frightening when you can't control yourself. You didn't have to tell me I might have bipolar.

You were probably trying to make it better. But talking about my mental stability isn't the way to do it.

If we're going to last, at least do some research. Learn about triggers, and correct ways to comfort and help out. Not by telling them what might be wrong. And saying, um, cutting words. That really doesn't go down well.

I wish I could tell you I love you. But I can't bring myself to do it. I don't know how I feel about you.

Maybe you're right. I do need to get some sleep.

Goodnight, Neru. I hope you sleep well. Don't worry about ne. I'll be just fine. Don't you care.