An Angel's Whisper

Part 39: Pain

~Luka's POV~

Here I am again.
Laid in my bed, the same terrible stomach pain. This is daily now, and you think I would get used to it. But it hurts very badly.

I should probably see a doctor. But I don't want to go alone, and everyone I truly trust is either at Neru and Haku's house, or otherwise somewhat occupied.

I don't know what it could be. I think it might just be a bug, seeing as I have been sick a few times too. I hope it's just a bug. But there's a lot of different things it could be.

I couldn't be pregnant. No, never. I was born like that, without the ability to have a child. How I so wish I could. When I was little, I used to always play with one of those 'realistic' baby dolls, telling my mother how much I wanted to have my own children.

I remember the day I was told I was infertile. I must have hidden myself away for days, and I was heartbroken. There's nothing I dream of more than having a child of my own.

I took in the Kagamines when I was 18, and they were 10. It gave me a sense of fulfillment, and they certainly didn't make me feel lonely. But they're almost adults now, and they're going to move out, and I'll be by myself again.

Ouch. It's getting worse.

Maybe I should book an appointment. Go by myself. It could be something important.

What if it's a cancer? I don't want to leave that alone. I don't want to die, not at all.

I hate feeling nauseous. It's a particular feeling I will always despise, and it makes me very nervous. I hate being ill, because that means I should keep myself away from people so they don't get ill. It's always at the worst times they decide they need my help.

Oh, I might just be sick again. The bathroom is just around the corner.

I also hate being leant over the toilet like this. Holding my stomach, feeling something rising up through my throat. And my eyes go all watery.

This feels horrible. I must go and take a nap. That'll help.

I'll call the doctor first. Get an appointment. Then I can go to sleep for a little while.

I'm not one to blatantly lie, so lying to Neru has made me feel a little guilty. I'll call their house too, and let them know I'm not coming back. Not today, anyway.

I hope Rin and Len are behaving.

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*Doctor's call*

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There. Now that's done. Booked in for day after tomorrow. Now, to call Neru. Or should I call Haku instead? She's less likely to shout.

But I'm sure they're all having fun. I won't bother them.

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I'm getting lonely. The sense of no one there in your house with me leaves a feeling of emptiness. How I long to hold my own baby in my arms. To feed it, to change it, to play with it, to get it to sleep, to bathe it, to raise it.

Look, I've made myself cry again. I really would like a baby. I tried everything. Everything. I even did it with a guy, I went to a fertility clinic, and nothing. And I get told I can't bear children.

There is nothing I want more.

I met Miyuki when Meiko and Kaito flew over. When we went to Miku's, but Haku and Neru seemed a lot more interested. So Miyuki didn't know me. But I knew about her.

I met her again a few days ago. I couldn't contain myself, and I broke down. It was so stupid. So stupid. I'm stupid.

I did hold her. And I held her close. I felt a motherly instinct kick in. It in a way made me
happy, but also incredibly sad. She held onto my shirt with her little hand and went to sleep. I loved that. It made me feel so special.

In my teenage years, I used to babysit for parents going on date nights. I was about 15. I gave my 'company' a cheesy name and everything. It was called Megurine's Mindings. God.

I only stopped when I took in the twins.

I would love to see Miyu again.

To hold her.

Just to hold her.

That's all I ask.

Well, goodnight. I hope I'll feel better.