Save me Romeo (bxb)

Chapter 14 - Goodbye life

Of course it started to rain. I was such a fucking cliché. This whole situation was a cliché. Running down empty streets, nearly crying in the rain, why was I like this? But at that moment I really didn't care. Nothing mattered anymore. I didn't care, that I didn't pay attention to where I was heading and that I was now lost. I didn't care that Cody and Mom were probably worried sick and wondered where the hell I was and if something had happened to me. 

Walking home from school would probably take me about 40 minutes, but I was definitely out here for the past two hours. But I couldn't give a fuck. I didn't care that cars kept honking at me, because I was walking in the middle of the road. I didn't care that I looked like a soaked mess, my hair hanging in wet strings down my face. I didn't care that I would probably get sick. I just didn't care anymore. My mind was completely blank. 

Have you ever lost something in your life? 

Something that was so casual and normal, but also meant the world to you? Maybe a pet that ran away, a best friend calling the quits on your friendship, your crush moving away, your parents getting a divorce. Things that suck ass but you know you can get over them? Because so many people have before you and it shouldn't be that big of a deal? And somehow you actually did manage to get better and finally be somewhere near ok again? Well I couldn't anymore. I had spend all my energy getting over... the incident. But I was still nowhere near ok. I was so fucking broken.

And now I had this glimpse of hope. This beautiful little spark of light in my life, that gave me the feeling, that everything could be ok one day. Very dangerous for a person in my situation, I may add. And now that glimpse was gone again. Everything was..

It wasn't like the last time I had lost everything. Back then, I felt so many emotions. I wanted to cry my fucking guts out. It hurt so much. I was in so much fucking pain, a pain I didn't even know existed before. It was all way to much for me, but at least I still felt something. As bad as that pain was, it was at least there. 

But now, after loosing everything all over again, I was empty. My mind went blank. I could feel the tears rising, but I didn't have the urge to let it all out. I was numb to the pain. My body reacted to it, but I couldn't feel it. Everything felt so far away. It was like I couldn't hear anything that was happening around me, but only a loud and steady high pitched sound made its way into my head. It made my mind go blank. 

I think I died that day. My dead body was walking down those empty streets. Nothing mattered. Not anymore.  

Was I really this weak? Did really a simple betray of trust, a kiss, kill me? Well ...yeah. Maybe I was weak, actually, think what you want about me I didn't care anymore. I was already so close to dying and this was just the final straw. If that makes me any less of a man, so fucking be it. I wasn't a man anymore. I wasn't a human anymore. Just the shell of a former happy teenager, that had a normal life. 

It wasn't his fault. I didn't blame him. Really. We weren't really committed or anything and he was the bad boy- or better the fuckboy of the school. He was a free spirit and I kind of already knew that from the beginning. He took me on a date, yeah, but he never said it was anything serious. So, no, I wasn't mad at him. 

I was mad at myself. 

For letting my guard down, for even going this far. For falling for him- a guy. A pretty fucking perfect guy, I may add. For letting him in. It was my fault not his. It was my fault, that I was so broken. That I was now dead.

 I killed myself, mentally. Might as well finish the job, right? 

-

I found myself suddenly standing in front of my house. No idea how I got here. But I somehow made it. Immediately, I noticed that our cars were gone, which meant Mom and Cody were gone as well. Good. They were probably out searching for my sorry ass. All I was giving them was pain. And I hated that.