Save me Romeo (bxb)

Chapter 23 - Forgive me

I was walking down those cold and empty hallways, not even aware, that somebody was right behind me, yelling my name. I was too hurt, too angry. But finally, two strong arms got a grip of me and pulled me to a halt. I yanked them away and turned around to look into the red eyes of my brother. 

"How could you!" was the first thing I yelled at him. He looked so broken, I was almost feeling guilty for screaming at him. But I was also mad.. oh so fucking mad.

"Blake, please! I'm so unbelievably sorry! I never meant to tell them that you are... that you cut yourself! Please I was just.... fuck!" he yelled throwing his hands over his head in distress. 

"Then please fucking explain Cody! I don't want to act like a brat, but that was just a cold ass betrayal, ok? How could you do this to me?" I spit in his face. I was angry, really really angry. But not necessarily at Cody for telling my secret. It was already fucked up enough, that I had this secret and I hated that fact more than anything else. 

"I just.. after that dick called you that awful name, I kind of broke down. I couldn't take it anymore. All I want to do, is protect you from this awful world, but I can't always prevent people from saying those mean and hateful things to you. And yesterday, I realized, that I can't protect you from your own trauma, from your own memories. I can help you to get better and I will always, no matter what, be there for you, but what happened, happened and I couldn't stop it.

And I'm sorry, truly, I didn't mean to let that slip out, but I just lost it. You know Blake, you always have me to talk to. I will always be there for you and listen to anything and everything that is on your mind. You can talk to mom and anybody else that you feel comfortable with, because it is your story to tell. But I have no one to talk to. I'm not saying, what I did was right, I'm just trying to explain my reasons. I'm always trying my best not to show this, but it is difficult for me too. To see you this hurt, to know what happened to you. And I hate, that you still have to carry that burden with you. And for a minute, I actually had hope, that you were doing better, at least a little bit. I was so happy for you.

So when I caught you yesterday... cutting yourself again, all that hope was gone again. It just reminded me, how truly hurt you are and how much pain you have to feel every fucking day. And I can't take your pain away, as much as I want to. If I could feel your pain, so you wouldn't have to, I would. I am your big brother and I love you. But sometimes I feel so fucking powerless and it hurts. It hurts so much to know, that you are hurt and I can't do anything to prevent that, because it already happened.

All I want, is for you to feel better and since that day of the incident, I feel like I have failed to do that. And when I heard that asshole say those awful things, I was so angry. So angry, that what has happened will never leave you completely. That you have to sit through this torture everyday. And I just didn't know what to do anymore. So when my friends, our friends asked me what was wrong, I just broke down. And I know it was not my place to say those words, but damn it Blake, I-I also can't do it all alone anymore. I know I just added to your pain and I'm so fucking sorry. But I-I have n-no one to talk to... I need to talk, because frankly, I'm not as strong for the both of us, as I though I was... I just proved that today. If Romeo wouldn't have hit that dickhead, I would have smashed his brains out. Again, I'm sorry Blake, I don't know how to fix this, but please, understand where I'm coming from..." Cody pleaded.

I just stood there in silence, my head held low as I couldn't face Codys tears agian. I knew, that the whole situation affected him, of course, he wasn't made of stone. But I didn't know how truly hurt he was. And what an asshole of a brother I was for not considering his point of view. Its true, I could talk about what had happened and everything concerning me, to anybody I pleased. And if I wasn't comfortable sharing with other people, I had always Cody or mom. But who were they going to talk to? Seeing me in this state was obviously a lot for them and when you have a problem, you sometimes want to talk about it and maybe get some advice. But Cody couldn't do that, as it was my story and he couldn't get advice concerning me, if the other person didn't know what had happened.