Just The Two Of Us <Sweet Pea FF>

71. Heaven knows I'm miserable

I believe that your food mirrors your feelings. That's why my tray is full with a pretzel, two chocolate puddings, a piece of lasagna, an apple and a candy bar.
Yes, I eat when I'm depressed.

It's that day of drowning, here again, the cold wash only I can feel. I did not want to get up at all this morning. But it's not this I don't want to go to school anymore and just become a stripper feeling. No, it's this I want to hide under my blanket for the rest of my life feeling. I didn't want to move at all.

Since Jug is at this fancy school, he can't drive me to school anymore. So I walk, which is fine, but not when it starts to get cold. I get chilly so easily.
So I buried my face deep in my scarf and plug in my headphones.

Pressing the button on my good mood music playlist, hoping it will brighten up my mood, but it just feels weird. I can't be happy now. You can't be happy all the time, that's not mental health, that's crap. So I listen to the playlist I named "Let's cry" which makes me even sadder.

I can't even explain why I'm depressed today, nothing happened, so I just feel stupid for being sad.

And no matter how often I say to myself that I am someone worthy of love and joy, I still don't believe it. Where are the Fab 5 when you need them?

So I somehow made it through the morning. Math, English, Biology.
And now I'm sitting in the cafeteria.

"What's wrong Jules?" A sweet smile is plastered on Betty's face.
"Nothing" I lie but her look glides down to my tray and her eyebrows rise.
"Ok, everything. My life is crap"

"You know, being aware of your crap and overcoming it are two very different things"
"Thank you" I say exaggeratedly.
"Let her be" Ronnie sits down next to her "People sometimes like to be sad"

"Yeah, that's why there's adele" I put a piece of pretzel in my mouth.
"She's still sarcastic so it can't be that bad" Kevin laughs.

Archie joins.
"Julia, how would you feel about going on a date with Munroe?"
"You know Arch, I don't think this would work. When they marry he would be Munroe Monroe" Kevin starts laughing. Ha ha funny.

"And she's still not over sweet pea" Betty coughs.
They still know I'm sitting right here?

"Maybe this wouldn't be such a bad idea after all" V thinks "It always feels like there is just one person in this world to love. And then you find somebody else, and it just seems crazy that you were ever worried in the first place."

A deep sigh leaves my mouth, maybe if I agree to one stupid date they will stop talking about it.
"Alright. When?"
"Really?"
"Ehm, how about tomorrow evening?You could see a movie, I'll ask Munroe"
"Sure" I mumble.

The bell rings, I get up, throw my bag over my shoulder and pick up the tray. Leaving the cafeteria I think about what they said. Maybe it would help me getting over sweet pea if I went on a date with Munroe. I mean he is nice and not bad looking. He has these muscle things that make smart girls stupid.

But sweet pea kissed me. We didn't talk since then but still, you don't kiss someone you don't like, right?

I shake my head. I have to get over him, not under him.

Turning the door handle to our music room, I can already hear the music blasting from inside. Whatever my teacher is planning, it can't be good.

"Hello" Mrs. Bailey turns around. If I had to choose one word to describe the women it would be confused. She is out of it all the time. Her messy brown hair falls into her face and I wonder why she even wears glasses when her hair covers her eyes anyway. She seems to wear the same pants everyday and just combines them with a new baggy shirt every day. Either she doesn't wash her trousers or she owns several pairs of those pants.

"Music in movies. You all know it, we all love it. Star wars, game of thrones, pirates of the Caribbean, westside story, pink panther, Ben hur, gone with the wind, rocky, titanic etc. etc." She turns around and starts pushing buttons on the stereo system but continues talking which makes it harder to understand.

"Alrighty. We will listen to an extract of Jaws, and then you will compose your own song" she smiles as if this was a joke. But no matter how much I wish it, she is dead serious.

After listening, she splits us into groups of three. I'm with Archie and Luciana.

The funniest thing is, she wants us to present our composition at the end of the lesson.
"This doesn't have to be a masterpiece, we'll just keep it simple. Do you play any instruments?" Archie questions.

"No" luciana crosses her legs and her arms.
"I can play the... triangle" I joke and earn a nasty look from luciana.

"Great" archie laughs nervously.