Smile For Me

Chapter 23 - Heartbreaking

I didn't do much the next few days. I either slept for hours or stared into space when Eddie was at work, and when he was home I'd try not to cry. He noticed straight away that there was something wrong with me, he tried bribing me with new clothes and playing games with me so I'd cheer up, every time he tried something I'd fake a smile or laugh with him, but it wasn't real. I couldn't get over that man's death. I couldn't get over the fact that Eddie could be truly terrifying at times. And I couldn't get over remembering it was my fault. Eddie still acted the same, he still smiles and says sweet things and cuddles me and he's doing his best to make me happy again, but I somehow thought this was awful. Any normal person wouldn't act like this, they'd be crying over what they'd done, they'd have guilt constantly prodding at them, they'd find it hard to sleep at night and get up in the morning. Eddie hasn't cried once over his crime, he was more worried about me than anything.

Eddie tucked me up in bed even though it was time to get up, he knew I wouldn't move. He smoothed my hair out of my face and whispered,"Is there anything you'd like me to bring home later? I'm going shopping straight after work. You can have anything you want baby." Eddie smiled at me but his eyes looked rather sad right now, he was desperate for me to be chirpy again. I shook my head no and looked down a little, I didn't fancy anything anymore. Eddie tried to keep his smile but it looked shaky now. "Okay,"he said, kissing my cheek. "I'll be back around two then Janie." He picked up my breakfast tray which was still holding my half-eaten cereal and headed out the room. I waited for him to leave the house, I listened for the front door to open and close and for his car to drive away.

After five minutes went by I decided it was safe to cry. I let the few tears drip down my cheeks until I tired myself out and drifted off into my pillow again. I did this same routine over and over today, waking up to cry myself back to sleep, I occasionally left the room to use the toilet or to get a cup of water, but that was it. I kept the bedroom curtains shut, I was afraid if I looked outside I'd have a meltdown or be sick again, the garden didn't seem special anymore.

So I slept for most the time Eddie was out, and after about my sixth nap, I decided I didn't want to go back to sleep this time. Being stuck in the same spot all day bothered me, it was like the basement again, and I hated that. I looked over at the alarm on the bedside table, it was already 13:36, yet at the same time it felt like this day dragged on forever. I shakily got out of bed and headed down the hallway to the living room, I got head rush though and had to stop for a minute. When I finally reached the sofa I nestled down by the cushions and reached for the remote, I was hesitant to turn on the TV though. I knew I wasn't allowed to touch the remote, but Eddie will be pleased I'm finally doing something without him having to suggest anything. Even so, it took me at least thirty seconds to finally press the on button, I sighed in relief when I found it was still left on the kid's channel.

I felt weird realising I'm scared over touching a remote, it was one of Eddie's rules and I was so fearful of breaking them. I already broke one, stupidly looking over the fence. I didn't want him mad again. Why wasn't I allowed to do this though? I guessed in the end that it was just a guy thing, like how dad always sits on 'his' chair. I watched a kid's show I didn't particularly care for, until I got bored after fifteen minutes. Eddie wasn't here right now so he wouldn't mind if I changed the channel.

I searched through the TV guide and spotted one of my favourite shows coming on soon, it was a baking show, one that mum and dad and I all watched together. Well, used to watch. My mouth twitched a little to tell me I was a total baby about to cry again soon. I love to torture myself now, so of course I thought back to every Wednesday and Friday night when we'd cuddle on the sofa to watch, dad would get off his own chair to sit with us and cuddle, and mum would complain at first that it's late or she has to wash up the dishes - but even she would settle after a while and smile to watch the show. Those times haven't happened in a while, last time we did that was probably last November. The baking show starts in seven minutes, I had to watch the news in the meantime to wait for it but I didn't mind.