Smile For Me

Chapter 35 - Blue Nails

I think it was clear we weren't friends anymore. Breah and I said nothing at all in our shared lessons, then as soon as Anna was back at her side at break time they'd whisper and giggle together. I wasn't certain, but I think they were talking about me. I wanted a distraction. I wanted someone to talk to, someone I'm comfortable with. Eddie seemed to be the only one for me, but I couldn't have him with me at school. I felt lonely.

It was Friday, and usually I loved Fridays because they'd whizz by so quickly after lunch and then you can go home and relax. It seemed forever for lunch to come though, so it felt like just a normal school day. Though at the same time it wasn't normal at all. I didn't have Breah. Everytime I walked by Breah and her friends they'd stare at me then laugh when I look away, as if simply walking was hilarious to see. My knees did shake a little at the sight of them, but that was it. I didn't get what was so funny. I didn't care. My watery eyes were telling everyone I secretly did care, and of course I did. I've lost my best friend over jealousy and a stupid argument. I wanted to apologise to her again, but I didn't want Anna there with her, she'll only humiliate me. I thought about messaging or calling Breah since I still had her number, but Eddie forbade me from talking to her. He'll take my phone away altogether if he finds out.

I didn't know what to do, and as every second passed that day, I knew she was slowly fading away from me. My face scrunched up, but I was in the middle of a lesson so I bit my cheeks hard. Baby. I didn't realise at the time that someone was watching this. I blushed when I caught Calum staring at me, but I looked away quickly. I'm definitely forbidden to talk to him. It looked like he wanted to say something to me after class, but like me he was shy.

No one else seemed to notice my loneliness, or they just found it awkward to bring up. So on my fourth lesson, I bunked class for the first time. I needed it. I would have gone to the girl's toilets to lock myself in a cubicle there, but that's where everyone would expect me to go. They can easily send someone off to find me. I ran outside instead, but not in the courtyard, I hid myself round the back of the building. Barely anyone comes here, and no one would during a lesson. I leaned against the brick wall, feeling out of breath from running, and my heart kept pounding those first ten minutes of bunking. I was terrified of being caught. The sun shone down on me, so I found the bright green grass welcoming to sit on. I didn't do anything. I couldn't listen to music in case a teacher was coming, I have to stay alert. I didn't really feel like hearing a song anyway.

I stared at the sky for a while as I held my knees, I was in a sad trance. It was blue right now, and although I loved that, I hated that it looked beautiful today, a day when everything isn't happy and okay. I would have liked it if it rained, so I'd have a reason to cry. The weather always betrays me. I tried making use out of the sunny sky, trying to cheer myself up instead. I played a game on my phone for a while, but I had to stop eventually when the battery got low, I had to save it so I can ask Eddie for a ride home later. I tried reading a story book I had in my bag, and although I loved having a quiet read every now and then, I couldn't get into it. It was hard to focus on anything. I picked the small daisies around me and began making a daisy chain to entertain myself. I hummed a happy tune as I did so, I did this a lot when I was little. It was a perfect distraction, something fun to do, and I can space out and take my time as I do it. But eventually I was all out of daisies too. There were plenty more on this field, but I didn't risk walking out into the open.

I rummaged through my bag desperately, seeing if there was anything left to make me happy. Right at the bottom I found something different. I picked it out and remembered, it was the blue nail varnish Breah had given me. It was a gift from just a few days ago, it seems a lot has changed since then. My hands shook a little. I sniffed and silently started painting my nails, I didn't have the will to hum anything though. I took my time as I did this, not wanting to get blue paint over my skin. It was hard for my hands to stop shaking though, so I accidentally went over my nails a few times. I didn't have a tissue but I'd left my P.E clothes in my bag. I grabbed my navy blue P.E shirt and started dabbing at my fingers, I decided it didn't matter if it stained. I don't care about P.E anyway and I can just wash it when I get home. I carefully dabbed at my skin and blew at my nails every now and then, trying to perfect it. It came out lovely when I was done, but for some reason when I stared at my nails, I started crying all over again.