Smile For Me

Chapter 57 - Spite

Eddie took safe precautions after that. He locked away all the knives and scissors and keys and his pencil compass - basically any sharp stuff, all into his desk drawer. I could still just scratch at my skin again until it bleeds, but he's keeping an eye on me now. He put me back on bed rest and back to the daily routine, I wasn't allowed to leave the bedroom until noon, I needed extra hours of sleep, and he delivered my meals on a tray for me along with my antidepressants. I didn't like it, because I felt like a mental patient. I always got that same eerie feeling at the hospital with nurses, or even my mum and dad who don't realise they're coddling me. I know they don't mean to scare me, and I sound stupid for describing it like that, but I just didn't like being stuck in bed with adults being overly nice to you. It just felt weird to me. I stared at the pills on my tray. Sometimes I wouldn't even take my pills on days when I got really sad, because I wanted to stay sad. I'd simply stuff them under the matress once he's left the room, it was too risky to throw them in the wastebasket, he'll find it.

The day after prom, Saturday, I had a bunch of texts from Louise and Abby. Louise was more worried and concerned for me, asking why and when did I vanish and if I was okay. Abby sounded more firm - not angry, but I guess a bit annoyed, or maybe just disappointed. She found Calum alone and upset, and she heard that another guy came along to be my date. I wanted to reply, to both of them, but I just didn't have it in me. I didn't know what to say anyway. I also had a phone call from an unknown number, a message too. But I recognised the phone number, and I felt so sick when I knew it was Breah trying to contact me. There was a spam of notes from her, asking what the heck Eddie was doing to me, was he abusing me, was he making me keep secrets from everyone, she grew softer towards the end, saying I was still her friend and I could tell her anything. I knew she wasn't just being nosy, she was genuinely concerned for me, anyone who saw what happened that night would have thought so. But, I couldn't tell her anything either. I didn't want to leave Eddie, I was afraid to. As much as he made me cry, made me feel scared, it didn't feel right imagining us apart. I guess I should have responded to her messages, to deny anything she said and insist I was fine, because she's only more suspicious now that I've read her messages and not said anything to it. But I didn't think about that at the time, I didn't really care about anything at the moment. Still, when Eddie was around I pretended I rarely used my second phone so he wouldn't read my messages, I used the one he gave me instead. The lonely one with no contact list.

* * *
That Monday everyone started their exams. I went to my tutor room as usual, because everyone still had lessons this morning, but they were going to start after break and then they could go home. I was going to be alone for lunch. Louise bugged me with questions when I entered the room, it was incredibly hard for me to smile at this stage, but I put in a low effort to smile for her. That was the best I could do. "I'm sorry, I just didn't feel well, so I went home,"I lied to Louise. She knew that wasn't what it was, she frowned but didn't nag any further. I apologised to Abby too, she wasn't mad at me, but she also frowned. "Janie..don't apologise to me, apologise to Calum,"she said gently. I looked over at Calum's desk, who wasn't staring at me anymore like he usually did, nor trying to get my attention. He was looking away at the window, tapping his pen and frowning. I tried to avoid eye contact with Breah the whole morning, who had moved seats closer to the front now. I think she had an argument with Anna at prom, because she sat alone now. She kept turning her head to look at me, peering at me and observing me - not in an annoying manner like before, she was just worried.

But I dashed past Breah when the bell rang for break, because Calum had shot out the room without giving me a second glance. I caught up with him so I could apologise, because I couldn't stand how he was acting. I didn't want him to think of me as a bitch. I tapped his shoulder,"Calum? Calum wait." He stopped walking and turned to look at me, his eyes sad. Before I could say anything he interrupted me and put up a hand. "Look, I get it Janie, you don't want to be with me. I mean, you've been giving me mixed signals all over the place, but I'm deciding myself now. I'll leave you alone, okay?"he sounded a little irritated, and that hurt me the most. It felt like I was kicked in the stomach, and he gave me one last sad look before he walked away. I wondered if that was the last time we'd ever speak.