Smile For Me

Chapter 44 - His Birthday

We couldn't just walk straight up to Breah and tell her, we needed her alone. Louise thought for a while, then she got an idea. "I know when we can do it. I remember Anna mentioning she has a dental appointment next week, she'll be gone all morning. I'll steer Becky away and you can talk to her then,"Louise said. I nodded in agreement.

* * *
I thought about how I'd say it to Breah, it worried me all week. Maybe she'll just think I'm jealous again and claim that I'm lying, maybe she won't listen to me at all. Towards the end of the week I had different problems at home. May was coming to an end, and it was Eddie's birthday this Sunday. The twenty-seventh of May, I never forgot a birthday. We always did something special on our birthdays, our parents meeting up to have a small party together. Mum hosted last year, making a special cake for Eddie, she bought two big balloons for him too, a huge silver 2 and a 0. He was going to be twenty-one now. I wanted to go out and buy him something, but I knew by now that I wasn't allowed out anywhere without him. I frowned.

When he left for work on Saturday morning it was my chance. I got started on making a birthday card for him, these are the only hours I'm ever alone now. I sat at his desk and let my creative side come back, I got some blue card and snipped out a big 2 and a 1 to stick on the front, I carefully drew some balloons and confetti around it with a pencil and coloured them in afterwards. I did more drawings on the inside of cake and presents, I always worried that it looked too babyish but every year Eddie claimed that he loved my little doodles. I wrote a little note inside to say happy birthday, signing Janie with a heart at the end. I slipped it carefully into an envelope and then hid it in my drawer beneath my clothes.

I wanted to be prepared to make him breakfast tomorrow too, I wanted to make him pancakes. I've seen Eddie make them plenty of times, so how hard could it be? I quickly researched and then wrote down on a scrap of paper what ingredients I needed so I wouldn't forget tomorrow. I searched the cabinets and the fridge, we had syrups to go with the pancakes, but I knew Eddie preferred fruit. I knew exactly what I wanted to top the pancakes with, but it seemed we were all out of them, I always had them with my lunch at school. I knew where I could find them, but I grew nervous when I returned to our bedroom. I pulled the curtains away from the slider doors shakily, swallowing when I stared at the garden.

I unlocked the door and hesitantly stepped outside. I told myself I'd be fine, I don't get nightmares anymore, and I've stopped having flashbacks. But I quickly felt nauseous when I walked along the grass, my head suddenly hurting so much it felt like I could faint. I actually did fall over when I reached the fence, my head was swimming. Tears filled my eyes and I tried to stop the memory from coming back to me, when Eddie killed that man. I had to lie there for a few minutes, I sobbed heavily into my hands until I didn't feel lightheaded anymore. He had to do it, we'd have been separated otherwise. Tears streamed down my cheeks as I gently picked the strawberries from the plant pot.

I felt relieved once I got inside but I had to sit down again, feeling exhausted. I put the strawberries in the fridge, Eddie made sure to keep them growing, he watered them every other day but I never watched. I'm sure he wouldn't mind me taking a few for him, he said they were my strawberries after all.

* * *
I didn't set an alarm for the morning, but I didn't need it. I've started waking earlier every day since he sends me to bed so quickly now. I slid out of Eddie's cuddle, trying not to wake him, and made my way to the kitchen. I quietly started gathering all the ingredients I needed, and I found it easy enough to make, but I got more worried when I had to turn on the stove. I wasn't allowed to touch the stove and the oven, Eddie was scared I'd burn myself, and he always said I was too small to flip the pancake. By small he meant weak, and perhaps I was because when I tried lifting the pan it felt like my arm would fall off.