Anne with an e- a new version of the story

Part 16 - Love doubts

It was not even dawn yet and Anne was already immersed in her thoughts whose main character was Gilbert Blythe. She had already lost count of how many times she had mentally censured herself, but it was useless, always returning to the exact moment when they kissed.

If she closed her eyes she could still remember how she had felt, the softness of Gilbert's lips and the depth of her emotions at that moment when she surrendered to the appeals of her heart. She knew that she had weakened and had been a fool, he had managed to reduce her will into trembling hands and passionate sighs. Now she could not forgive herself for making the intensity of her emotions clear, she only prayed that no one would have realized what had really happened to her in that second of insanity in which she had plunged without thinking about the consequences of what it would bring her later.

Her feelings still left her confused, she did not know how to deal with them, for every time she and Gilbert met she was bombarded by sensations she did not know, but which always ended up throwing her into his arms. She acted like an inconsequential, crazy lunatic who forgot everything when Gilbert kissed her. She didn't recognize herself, she had never been like that before, it was as if she were becoming a person incapable of controlling her own impulses.

She could accuse Gilbert of kissing her for pity or for fun, but could she swear she was influenced by the same kind of behavior? Could she say she felt nothing for him, show contempt and aversion, but by looking at her reflection in the mirror, could she lie to herself? The truth was that Gilbert Blythe was like a powerful drug that had already taken over her whole body, she didn't want to love him, but that was no longer a choice, or rather, it had never been, it was just a sad and hopeless fact that was present even in her dreams. It was a certainty that she could not deny there in that room, alone and stripped of any irony or mortification.

In Anne's mind feeling all those things for Gilbert made her vulnerable, and she hated that feeling, for she had learned from an early age to fight for herself, to be brave, and never to let anything stop her from moving on. But the strength of that love had caught her off guard, and she felt like a leaf thrown in the wind not knowing which way to go.

She had no experience to understand how she should act, what she should say, how to free herself from the prisons of that passion, if there was a way out of what she was feeling. She needed to talk to someone so badly, but who? Who could help her in that moment of distress? Marilla? No, she would worry, ask a thousand questions until Anne revealed who she was in love with, then give her a sermon saying she was too young to understand about things of love. Matthew? It would be another unfortunate choice, for he always tried to escape that kind of talk, never knowing what to say. Diana? Her friend was amazing at giving advice, but in that matter she was as inexperienced as she was, so she wouldn't be much help. Cole? She knew she could trust him, but talking about Gilbert with Cole didn't make her very comfortable at the moment, she'd rather talk to him about it later.

She sighed dismayed, her options were almost nil, where could she find a friendly word that could help her think clearly? Suddenly a name occurred to her. Ah, of course! Why hadn't she thought of that before? Aunt Josephine would know how to help her, she needed to pay her a visit.

As she got ready to go out, she thought of the week that had passed so quickly that she had barely had time to organize her ideas. She avoided being alone with Gilbert at all times and always went out before him, so she didn't run the risk of facing him, and kept herself surrounded by friends so as not to give Gilbert the chance to get close. Not that he seemed anxious about it, as it seemed that after the kissing incident he had lost interest in her, which further reinforced her opinion that he had only kissed her for fun, and although she told herself that she didn't care, she knew deep down that it bothered her more than she wanted to admit.