Finding Myself; The Man in The Mirror

Chapter 1 my introduction

I'm 29 years old about to be 30 I have to come out again. It's something I have always known but I kept it to myself because I didn't know how people were going to react. I have been depressed and I always had issues with my anger. The thing is looking back I think that's why I was angry. I wasn't being true to myself. Each chapter I am going to focus on someone who has helped me in some way shape or form. This first chapter is to focus on me and how I struggled with it.

Being a kid I always knew that I was different. I just didn't understand why or what the reason was. I was the "typical" tomboy. I liked boy toys. I liked getting dirty. I liked sports. I didn't like dresses or having long hair. When puberty came around and breasts started to develop I thought I was just like any young girl hating my body. Hating the way I looked. It wasn't easy for me to see the changes happening. I didn't like it but yet I kept quiet because of not knowing how people would react. I was a strong minded individual. When it came to playing imaginary anything I always wanted to be a male. When it came to Halloween I didn't want to be a fairy or a princess. I wanted to be the red ranger or a vampire. I just thought I was being me which I was. I just didn't know what to call myself.

My depression got worse over the years. My anger the same way. I just didn't know how to handle it so it meant medication and therapy. Therapy which didn't help because I didn't have someone that I felt I could trust. So I kept my guard up and didn't let him in. I felt like he wouldn't understand. So I stuffed it away hoping that maybe the feeling would just go away. Sadly it didn't. I got mad over little things I thought maybe it was because I liked women. Then as I started to get older I questioned myself more. By the age of eighteen I decided to come out as lesbian. It was one of the hardest things I had to do. I had people support me and then I had others who couldn't handle it. I didn't know what to do. So I took that part of me wanting to be a man and shoved it into the back of my mind. I wanted to be "normal" or at least what I thought was normal.

I just never realized how hard it was going to get for me. I continued to hide it. Which hurt me even more. I knew deep down I was a man and I was afraid to tell someone that. I was in my early 20's when someone asked me if I was transgender. It was an innocent question and I know she didn't mean no harm by it. She said I looked and dressed like a guy that's why she felt that way. I wish I could've just said yes I am but I couldn't get the words to come. Now that she's no longer on this earth I wish I could go back and tell her the truth that I hid from myself for so long.

In my mid 20's I meant someone who I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with. Someone who I thought wanted me to be happy no matter what the reason was. I confided in someone that was transgender and how I was feeling. My privacy was invaded when the person I was dating went through my messages. I was at work and she said to me that we needed to talk. Those words that you shouldn't say to someone who has bad anxiety. It wasn't a good feeling. I didn't know what it was about and I was scared. 

That day after work I ended up going home. She asked me if I was transgender. A fight ensued and she said to me if this is something you decide to do you won't have me in your life. I love you as a woman not a man. I cried. I was scared to tell her it was what I wanted because I didn't want to lose her. I wanted to make her happy. So I felt that me being unhappy that everything was going to be okay. Of course it didn't work out that way. 

Over the years our fights got worse. She became abusive towards me. She tried to blame me for the cause of it. Eventually you have enough and you just can't take it no more. That's exactly what happened. I left one night and never looked back. I told her we would try to work it out but then I found out she cheated on me with a guy. Your probably wondering why it is that I'm telling you this but your going to need to know this farther along in the story. 

As I started to move on and figure things out for my own that is when that little voice inside my head kept talking to me. Telling me that I was a man and that I had to do something about it. I just didn't know how to go about it. I fought with myself to go with what I felt in my heart. I couldn't be unhappy forever. It was time that I started to be happy. I didn't want anyone to hold me back anymore it's time. It's time for me to come out as transgender and that's exactly what I'm doing.

I don't know what people are goine to say or how they are going to react. One step at a time. First I finally admitted it to myself that I am a trans man. Now it's step two, slowly coming out to my family and friends.