A Thin Line between Love and Hate

Chapter 30

Jasmine's POV

2 weeks later...

As I dragged myself back to the car after visiting the doctors office with Megan, I couldn't help but think about this past month and how my life was completely fucked up. Was I being to hard on myself about this? How many people could say they were shot and pregnant at the same time? I sighed inwardly as I glanced over at Megan and shook my head slightly. I wished that I could feel even a sliver of the happiness that she emanated. Megan was the complete opposite of me. While my face was permanently somber as of late, Megan could usually be seen boasting a broad grin across her face.  It was sooo disgustingly evident that she loved every second of this experience. On the other hand, being pregnant by Jaxon seemed like the end of the world for me. With that god awful look of giddiness on her face, I knew for sure that I couldn't let her know my plans to get rid of it. There was no doubt in my mind that she would, 100%, go back and tell Jaxon. So, in order to keep her somewhat satisfied and not suspicious of my intentions, I dragged myself out of the house to accompany her to this unnecessary doctors appointment.  

I leaned back into the car seat and groaned low. I felt like these past two weeks have had me in a daze. Depression consumed me completely. It gripped it's claws around my neck and relentlessly suffocated me without remorse. Between being nauseous and feeling sorry for myself, I felt like I didn't even recognize myself anymore. My emotions were scrambled all over the place. I even stopped uploading on YouTube and interacting on social media for the time being. I needed to get a hold of myself first. The only thing I knew for sure was that I needed to get rid of this thing inside me before it was too late. I honestly didn't even know why I hadn't scheduled the appointment yet. The only reason I could think of was because, maybe, I wanted to ignore that this thing was even growing within me. It had nothing to do with Jaxon, or at least that's what I told myself.

We sat quietly in the car as the music played lightly through the speakers. I leaned my head back and closed my eyes; I was trying unsuccessfully to get some peace of mind. A few minutes later, and the tiny bit of peace that I managed to gather was soon broken by Megan's irksome voice. We were at a red light and I could feel Megan staring at me hard. I ignored her. I prayed to the gods that she wouldn't bring up this visit and want to talk about this thing festering inside me.  

 "So..... your six weeks now? How do you feel?" Urgh. It was a matter of time before she brought this thing up. I turned my head towards the window and rolled my eyes so damn hard. I sucked in a deep breath before trying to pretend some sort of normalcy. 

"I feel- nauseous and sick all the time." I answered truthfully. I couldn't tell her that I actually wished I could rip this thing out of me right fucking now! 

"Hmm. Yeah. I heard that's to be expected during the first trimester. But don't worry Jas." She placed a reassuring hand on my knee before continuing. "It should get better after that. And we'll both be by your side." 

I cringed so hard at her statement that the hairs on my arms stood up. I re-positioned myself in my seat trying to hide how uncomfortable her statement made me feel.  I then began rubbing my arms up and down in order to get rid of the goosebumps. I didn't say anything to her. I didn't know what to say. Oh, by the way, sorry to burst your bubble but there won't be a second trimester. Yeah, no. I think it makes it worst that this baby would have been her niece or nephew. But lord forgive me, I had to do what was best for me. And I wasn't going to bring this baby into a broken home no matter what. I was trying to be realistic about things. Jaxon and I weren't going to work. I mean, come on. I hadn't even seen or spoken to him since the incident a month and a half ago. Out of sight out of mind.