A Thin Line between Love and Hate

Chapter 41

Jasmine's POV

Beep Beep beep...

When I woke up, it took a moment for me to adjust to my surroundings and realize where I was. The strong odor of antiseptic permeated through the air while the steady state beeping of the hospital machines hummed lowly in the background. I slowly sat up and lifted my hand in confusion to look at the needles sticking out of my hand. What happened?

"Finally, your awake." I glanced around the room and saw Megan sitting in one of the uncomfortable hospital chairs watching me.

"Jaxon just went out to grab some food but he'll be back shortly." She paused to walk over towards me and grabbed my hand. "I'm so glad your awake Jas. You scared the living shit out of us." I could see the tears welling up in Megan's blue eyes and threatening to spillover. I didn't want her to cry. Why was she crying? 

I closed my own eyes and willed myself to remember what happened. The last thing I remembered was feeling overwhelmingly anxious and then....blood. Lots and lots of blood. My heart rate sped up as the memories began to flood back into my mind. The memories were becoming too overwhelming. I forced my eyes open while gasping for air.

"Jasmine, try to calm down. This isn't good for your health." Megan said with worry written all over her face. I ignored her warning. I needed to know what was going on.

"What happened to me? What happened to the baby? Is it ok?" I asked Megan with a concerned shaky voice. Before Megan could answer me, Jaxon strolled back into the room with a few items from the vending machine. Upon seeing that I was awake, he dropped everything and approached me.

"Oh babe, I'm so glad you're awake. You had me so worried." He said softly while leaning in and kissing my forehead.

Before I could respond, there was a light knock on the door. A moment later and a man with a doctors coat ambled into the room.

"Hi Jasmine, I'm Dr. Johnson and I was the doctor on duty when you arrived in the emergency room earlier." He said this while picking up a clipboard and reading the contents about my vitals. Dr. Johnson was an old white man who looked like he was going to retire soon. He sported thick bushy white eyebrows, a receding hairline, and thick coke bottle shaped glasses that magnified his hazel brown eyes. I tried to read his face for any indication on my condition but he kept it neutral. He eventually put the clipboard away and walked towards my bedside. As he began to speak, his voice was calm and soothing.

"I'm glad you're finally awake Ms. Smith. It seems you came to us unconscious after you had a severe panic attack and a fainting episode. You were also bleeding pretty heavily. I want to talk with you further about your condition but it's up to you if you'd like more privacy." I turned to look at both Megan and Jaxon and decided that it was fine if they stayed in the room with me. I cleared my raspy voice.

"It's Okay if they stay." The doctor raised an eyebrow as he looked at my guests. Then he turned his attention back to me. He pulled the chair that was closest to my bedside even closer towards me and sat down.

"Ok Ms. Smith. Can you tell me what happened before you ended up in the hospital?" I thought about his question for a minute. I tried to make sense of everything before I began to explain how much stress I'd been feeling recently. Dr. Johnson listened patiently and nodded his head. After I finished speaking, he reached out and gently grabbed one of my hands.

"Well, Ms. Smith. It seems as though due to high levels of stress, you had a serious panic attack. We've also diagnosed your bleeding." He gulped and squeezed. "I'm sorry Ms. Smith, you've had something called an inevitable miscarriage." Without even thinking about it, I cried out in shock. Dr. Johnson stopped speaking and let what he'd just said sink in. I could hear Megan gasp in a deep breath of shock while Jaxon walked over to me and grabbed my hand in order to give me some sort of comfort. What was the doctor saying? What does that even mean?

"What do you mean inevitable?" I asked while tears began to sting eyes. This couldn't possibly be happening to me right now.

"I'm sorry Ms. Smith." Dr. Johnson looked somber as he squeezed my hand comfortingly.

"An inevitable miscarriage is a miscarriage that sometimes happens during the first trimester of pregnancy where you may experience unexplained bleeding and cramping. It also means your cervix is also dilated. And unfortunately, with your cervix being open, this tells us that your body is already in the process of miscarrying the pregnancy." I covered my mouth in disbelief and began to shake my head. NO, NO, NO, NO, NO! This couldn't be happening. This couldn't be happening. This couldn't be happening. I kept chanting the words to myself in hopes that it would make them true.  

Of course this would happen right when I was beginning to accept this pregnancy. I'd finally gotten to the point where I was actually looking forward to raising this baby with Jaxon. But now? Now my hopes were ripped right out of my arms. I looked at the doctor with tears glistening in my eyes and my brows scrunched together in misery.

"Was it because of all the stress I was in?" My voice sounded so weak. The doctor shook his head with sympathy.

"I cannot say for sure. These kinds of miscarriages happen randomly and without much warning. It could be the stress but there is no way to tell." I continued to shake my head in disbelief. I rubbed my hand down my face as the tears finally rolled over my cheeks. I was silent for a few minutes before speaking up again.

"I need a moment." I said with my voice at almost a whisper. "Can everyone please leave? I need a moment  to process all of this." Jaxon squeezed my hand before nodding his head in understanding. The doctor also nodded his head in acknowledgment as his hand slipped from mine and he began to get up.

"Ms. Smith, I'm sorry once again. I want you to know that I'm here to answer any of your questions and to assist you during this time." With that being said, Dr. Johnson ambled out of my room. Jaxon and Megan followed him shortly afterwards.

I watched silently as the door to my room closed noiselessly. Almost immediately, feelings of hopelessness consumed me as I laid my head back on my pillow and cried to myself softly. Lately, crying seemed to be the only outlet that gave me some sense of relief during all these stressful times. I shook my head pathetically. I was officially a crybaby.

In the silence of the room, except for the constantly beeping machines, irrational thoughts began to invade my mind like a plague. My rational mind tried to stabilize my thoughts and reason with me that I was capable of pulling through this. But then my irrational mind would consume my head like the virus it was and remind me that I was in complete mental agony.

Maybe I should've had that abortion so that I didn't become so attached to the thought of having a baby and then, just maybe, none of this would be happening right now.  I thought to myself spitefully.

Oh god, was I broken? Lord please tell me I wasn't broken; please tell me that I'm good enough to bare children. I began to panic.

Oh my god... Would Jaxon even want me anymore?

I laughed bitterly to myself as my sadness was slowly being replaced with anger that now saturated my mind. The irrational thoughts continued.

Maybe this was gods plan all along, maybe I wasn't supposed to be with Jaxon after all. Maybe having this miscarriage was gods way of showing me an out. It seemed everyone and their mothers thought that Jaxon and I didn't belong together, so maybe they were right? I sighed heavily. I shouldn't have had to fight so hard to be happy. 

I shook my head in order to clear it. No no no. None of this made any sense.  I felt so confused and muddled. My mind seemed to be all over the place as it bounced from thought to thought.

The thoughts kept bombarding my mind to the point of no escape. After everything that happened, could my life ever be the same? I doubted it. The feeling of overwhelming loss was too great. There was no way I was coming out of this the same Jasmine I was two months ago. I laid in that hospital bed and cried myself to sleep. How was I ever going to cope with this loss?

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