A Thin Line between Love and Hate

Chapter 34

Jasmine's POV

Later in the week, I headed over to my parents house the day before my mom's 60th birthday party. My mom asked me earlier in the week if I could help her set up. Usually, I would've been wallowing in my misery under some covers looking like a lump of coal but ever since Jaxon came by the other night, my spirits had been higher and I couldn't complain. This pregnancy had my hormones all over the place. 

I strolled into my moms house carrying gold banners and balloons. I placed my purse and phone on the counter as my mom greeted me with a kiss on the cheek and a quick hug. She pulled back from me and began scanning over my body slowly. I felt so self-conscious. I've barely spoken or seen my my parents in the last few weeks so in my mind, I swore she could probably notice the pregnancy even though it was early on. 

My mother cleared her throat as I grabbed a glass of water. I was parched from the 90 degree Florida weather. 

"So, you look like you've been eating good lately." My mom casually observed my body changes. I nearly choked on my water which prompted my mother to come over and slap my back to help me breath.

My parents could NOT know about this baby just yet. Yeah, I told Jaxon I wasn't making any crazy decisions just yet but I still had time to change my mind and I didn't want my parents to get too attached to the idea of being grandparents. 

Plus, who knew how my mom would take this news. Who would have thought that I would be having a child with my best friends brother, my nemesis? Then I had to think about the fact that, although my parents were OK with my friendship with Megan, they wouldn't be OK with the fact that Jaxon was lacking too much melanin to be trying to date me; much more having a baby with me. He was a few shades too white and, knowing  my mom, I knew she would probably have something negative to say about that. She probably couldn't even imagine her first grand baby as being mixed. The thought probably never even crossed her mind. And if I was being totally honest, it's never crossed my mind until now either. But right now, I was finally in a space where I felt more optimistic about life. I didn't need my mother dragging me down just yet. I turned my attention back to my mom.

"Yeah, I've been eating a lot more since I've just been home all day." I stated. My mom didn't seem to care too much about my answer as she continued to clean up the house and decorate. I headed to the bathroom to pee. 

When I came back out of the bathroom, I walked into the kitchen with a pep in my step. 

"Alright mom, are you ready to-" I stopped speaking when I realized she had my phone in her hand. She was so enthralled in what she was looking at, she didn't even realize I had entered back into the room. Anger rushed through me as I snatched my phone from her hands. I glanced down at my screen to see what she was looking at. It was a text from Jaxon.

Jaxon: Hey baby, dinner tonight? I want to properly date you and show you how you're supposed to be treated. My heart immediately sunk. Why couldn't life give me a break every once in awhile? My mom spoke up first. 

"Please Jasmine. Please tell me that's not who I think it is." I rolled my eyes because she acted like I wasn't a 28 year old grown ass woman. I didn't owe my mother any explanations. Instead, I answered her question with a question of my own.

"Please tell me you weren't just snooping through my shit." I questioned back. I usually didn't curse at my mom but right now I was heated. She had no right. I continued working on the decorations; desperate to find something to distract my mind from the situation I was in. 

My mother came around the kitchen island and stopped my hands from working so that she could really look at me and see if I was serious.

"You're serious?" I didn't say anything. This wasn't how this was supposed to go. She repeated herself. "You're actually serious Jasmine. Have I not taught you anything?" I avoided my mothers eyes as a heavy weight of disappointment started to constrict my breathing.  I concentrated on taking deep breaths before sighing heavily. I knew I was about to be admonished.

"I know Jaxon. He's an all around good guy but he's not the man for you. When did this even begin?" She threw her hands up in the air, frustrated with me. Did she even hear herself? She just admitted that he was a good guy but somehow that obviously wasn't good enough for her. I tried to dumb down our relationship in order to change the subject.

"Mom it's no big deal. We're not serious. You're making something big out of nothing." But my mother didn't take the bait.

"He's WHITE Jasmine. All of your life I've instilled in you the importance of the black family and now you're trying to bring a white man in here?" I pulled away from her. I was done. "You're only a fetish for him. You DO know that right? He could NEVER understand you the way a black man could!" She looked at me with both disgust and disappointment in her eyes. I could barely stand being in the same room as her right about now.

 Doubt started to crowd my mind. This was partially why I felt like me and Jaxon couldn't workout but he was stubborn. It was almost as if he didn't understand the word no. My mom would say it's because of his white privilege and being so used to getting what he wanted. But what if he genuinely just cared for me? Urgh. I didn't want to think about this right now and I didn't appreciate my mother jumping down my throat. 

When I refocused back into the conversation, I realized I hadn't heard a thing my mother said in the past minute. The fact that she had so much to say about Jaxon when she steered me wrong so many times in the past, pissed me the hell off.

I got irate which was fueled even more by my pregnancy hormones. I thought about my moms advice about Darnell. It pissed me off that she was so OK with me being with his abusive ass simply for the preservation of the "black family." I started to laugh menacingly and my mother just looked at me like I had two heads. 

"Have I said something funny Jasmine? Once again, you're not taking your future seriously." I rolled my eyes so hard at her statement. I knew she was eluding to my YouTube career. Like so many others, she thought it wouldn't last. That was partially why she was so adamant about me securing the bag with a successful man. A successful, black man. I was always attracted to my own race and I never thought about dating interracially. There were so many fine brothers out there. How could I not be attracted to smooth brown dark skin. But I felt such a connection with Jaxon that, even when I pushed him away, I still found my way back to him. Well kind of, I was still trying to make sense of our relationship right now. I shook all of my thoughts aside as I focused on my mom. 

 "It's so sad that you would rather me be with an abuser instead of someone that would treat me right and love me unconditionally." My mom nearly choked.

"Did you say love? You don't know what love is Jasmine." I stared right into my moms dark brown eyes so that she could actually feel my anguish as I spoke my next words. 

"You're right mom, I don't know shit about love. You know why? Because for the last 3 years I've been with a monster who I thought loved me and who I thought I loved! But now I realize that none of that was love. That was called manipulation. But right now, I'm opening myself up to the idea of trying to learn how beautiful love can actually be, and you're literally sitting here and discouraging me." My mom shook her head in disappointment. But her voice was calmer now. 

"Jasmine, I'm your mother and I only want what's best for you honey. That man won't understand our struggles Jas. That man is out there with his white privilege and he probably doesn't even know it exists." So now he was that man now?  It was crazy how quickly she forgot that she's known Jaxon for most of his life. I felt very defensive. I couldn't contain my anger anymore.

"You want to know something about that man momma?" I said bitterly. I was enraged right now I wanted to say or do anything to anger her back. My mom looked at me annoyed.

"What Jasmine, come on out with it. There's nothing you can say to top this mess you're putting yourself in." I smiled brightly at her. Oh really? I raised an eyebrow.

"I'm pregnant mom." I smiled even wider with sarcasm dripping from my face. "And guess what? It gets better. Jaxon's the baby daddy." I said without thinking. The look on my mother's face dropped so quickly, it was like a bucket of cold water was just poured right over my head and I instantly realized that I just fucked up big time. This wasn't how she was supposed to find out.

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