A Thin Line between Love and Hate

Chapter 44

Jasmine's POV *5 months from Jasmine's initial therapy session*

In the past few months, I'd made some serious progress and quiet frankly, I was very proud of myself. I religiously saw Dr. Yang twice a week and today was no different. Honestly, Dr. Yang has been the biggest godsend in my life. She's taken me out of my darkest times while also forcing me to confront specific truths about myself that I needed to work on in order to become a better healthier me. I've learned that wellness began in the mind and then all other aspects of what it means to be healthy would follow. 

 I sat down on Dr. Yang's big white comfy couch while she picked up her notebook and crossed her legs to begin our session. 

"Hello Jasmine. How are you feeling today?" I smiled. This was the typical question that Dr. Yang asked me every single time that we met. And over the past month, I found that I was finally in a mental space where I no longer answered her by saying that I felt overwhelmed or stuck. Instead, I was gaining autonomy over my mental health.

"I'm actually feeling pretty good today. I've started to re-post  on my YouTube channel and my relationship with Megan has become much better. Our friendship is actually getting back to where it used to be. Honestly, I can't complain really." Dr. Yang smiled and nodded in her usual manner. 

"That's wonderful to hear. Did you have anything specific that you wanted to talk about today?" She asked and I nodded my head yes.

"Actually, I received an email from my mother a couple of days ago and I didn't want to open it until I could read it with you." Dr. Yang scribbled some notes before glancing back up at me.

"And how does that make you feel knowing that you're mother is still trying to reach out to you after all this time? I remember you told me you made it clear to her months ago that you wanted nothing to do with her." Hmmm, that was a good question.

"I think the old me wouldn't even be open to opening her email. But right now I'm curious to see what she has to say."

"And that's an excellent observation Jasmine. It's excellent that you are now able to identify characteristics of yourself that have changed positively. You are now more open while before you were closed off." I smiled again. It was great that I could see the small changes within myself. Just a few months ago I felt like I was in a never ending black hole. Now, I saw the end of the tunnel and it was looking bright. I appreciated that Dr. Yang helped me to understand that I needed to stop dwelling on my regrets. Instead, I learned to refocus my energy on the positive aspects of each scenario I found myself in. She also helped me to realize that this wasn't the end of the world. I was still young and I could bounce back from all of the things that had happened to me so far while also still live a fulfilling life.

The one thing I couldn't shake was that I still thought of Jaxon on a regular basis. He was one regret that constantly had me wondering what if? What if I'd let him love me fully? What if I'd stayed and never left him? In hindsight, he was so willing to help me through whatever I was going through, I should've just allowed him to be the crutch that he offered.

I shook my head out of those dark thoughts. I didn't want to dwell on that right now. I'd come this far in a short amount of time; I should be proud of myself and I was. 

Dr. Yang cleared her throat.

"Whenever you are ready, you can begin reading the email and then we can discuss it's contents afterwards if you'd like."

With that being said, I opened up my email app on my phone.

Dear my darling Jasmine, my only child who I miss so much. Not a day goes by where I do not think about you and how my actions have gravely affected you. I know you do not wish to talk to me so I've left you alone. Not because I want to, but because I'm trying to respect your wishes and boundaries. I feel like I'm grieving the loss of a child even though you are still very much alive and that is something I will have to live with either until you choose to speak with me or until I die. I'm hoping that one day you choose to comeback into my life before it is too late.