Until The Next Sunrise

37: The Dream

Chapter Thirty-Seven

I had to close my eyes for a minute to realize what happened to me for the past years.

I was diagnosed with a mental illness, at the time Glaire had also one. He knows how Glaire changed, he knows why she changed. But he didn't even figure out why I changed.

I had to swallow the bad things for the good ones and for our relationship to work. But what will happen if Glaire was out of the picture?

We would've been engaged by now. I would've been the future Mrs. Guevarra. The surname that I have been thinking of since I met him and liked him.

Funny, because I know what would our vows be when we get married.

"Archer, everyone in this room knows how much I care for you that it led me to fall deeply in love with you. The best memories that I want to treasure in my life is with you. You have me, always have, always be."

"Even at the best and worst of the times, you have my heart. No matter how hard it is to understand my mind, no matter how many dilemmas will come and go, my heart beats for you." That will be the corniest vow of a girl, ever. But that's how I feel about him. "You are my art, my dream. And that promise keeps going until the next sunrise."

That's how much I love him. I really love him. I don't know if all of the women in this world have ever felt that for a boy, but I do. I found him at his mess, I want him even at that time. I want him to be with me.

"Ace, I love you because you make me feel better. You made me the best. I'm the best I can ever be because I have you with me. In the worst times, I had you, and I will be there for you. No matter how many storms will past, our sunrise will always be there and last. I can't imagine life without you, babe. I can't be the happiest man if it's not with you."

As we gave each other's wedding rings, people clapped their hands and the Priest will say, "You may now kiss the bride."

And finally, we kiss.

That would be the happy ending I want with him. I want him to be the father of our children, my best friend, my boyfriend and my husband. All these dreams I have with someone? It's gotta be with him. Or be alone forever.

"Remember, dito tayo unang naging magkaibigan." Sabi ni Archer at inakbayan ako. It has been what, 10 years since we met each other but it'll always feel the same. The same kilig I've felt every time he texts me to come over here. The same smile I do when he's around.

"Naalala ko lahat, Archer." He kissed my cheek.

All I could think about is the dreams I wish would happen if life was little bit better than how it is now. The normal life I'd want for him and I.

A tear escaped, and that's when I woke up. The feeling of pain in a dream where it was filled of love.

Before I could even forget what happened in that dream, I already drew it to paint it later. He's my art, always was, always will be.

We haven't spoken ever since that day. Today, I decided to not go to work. I decided to go back there, alone. Isasama ko dapat si Archer doon pero nagaway kami.

And I think he's not ready to be there, too.

Luciana, founder of this foundation, is a psychiatrist who wants to help children and people with mental health illnesses, after years of doing it, it became an orphanage to children and cover their needs.

Dianne was also a co-owner of the foundation and she brought me here. And it's what kept me sane during those 2 years without anybody in my life with me.

"Ate Aviona!" Agad ang bungad sa akin ng mga bata. Tumakbo sila sa akin at niyakap ako.

"May dala akong pasalubong sainyo!" Sabi ko at tinuro ang trunk ng kotse ko na nakabukas. "Mag share kayo, ha? Nasaan si Achilles?"

Achilles is the closest kid I had in my life. He's very close to my heart because I think he reminds me of Archer somehow. In a good way.

"Achi!" Bati ko sakanya habang nakayuko siya at naglalaro. Ngumiti naman siya nang makita niya ako at agad akong niyakap.

"Ate, huhu, ang tagal mo namang bumisita!" Sabi niya at niyakap pa ako nang mahigpit.

"Na-busy lang ako, Achi." Sabi ko habang nagpipigil nang luha dahil na miss ko ang yakap niya.

"Nagkita na ba kayo ng taong mahal mo, Ate?" He asked.

Is he ready to be with me after all that I've told him? Or did he decide to finally let go of me. Because whatever he decides, I'd choose what he wants.

I'm that confused that it depends all on him.

Tumango ako kay Achi. "Oo, Achi! Sayang nga eh, hindi siya nakasama dito. Busy pa kasi siya."

"Ooohhh. Ate! May mga na drawing ako nung umalis ka, gusto mong makita? Gusto ko sana mag pinta ulit tayong dalawa."

"Oo naman!" At iyon ang ginawa namin ni Achi buong araw.

Yna invited me on her colleagues' party, I don't know why I even came here. But, I have to talk to her about what happened.

"So, he kinda knew why you left him?"

"He's not stupid, Of course he already knows. And at this time, he is still thinking about what to do."

"Bes," Sabi ni Yna. "Ako, marami na akong naging boyfriend! Manloloko, bakla, sex lang ang habol, mangiiwan, clingy masyado.. nakilala ko na lahat."

"Anong sinasabi mo sakin?"

"Sinasabi ko lang na kahit ilang beses kang matumba o matalo sa relasyon, ang importante babangon ka at aasahan ang sarili mo. Bakit sa tingin mo nasa tabi mo ako ngayon? Kasi mas importante ako kaysa sa mga taong minahal ko."

You can't give the love if you can't give it to yourself. That's what she's saying.

"Kung mahal ka talaga niyan ni Archer, hindi na niya pinagiisapan pa kung gusto niya talagang bumawi. Yayakapin niya lahat. Tatanggapin niya lahat ng sakit ng mga salita mo kasi sa dulo alam niya na mahal ka niya. Pero kung mas mahalaga ang ego niya, nagsasayang lang kayo ng oras."

"No matter how many times I try to find myself. I'd still find myself with him. I can't imagine what life I would have if Archer isn't even in that picture, Yna. Hindi ko alam saan ako magsisimulang maghanap nang kung ano ako, kung hindi naman siya yung lalaking kasama ko...but what sucks is I need to let him go, to start again and to set me free. But I can't have peace with or without him, so I'd rather than be at peace with him."

"But you're not gonna last with that, Aviona. We both know that."

"I know that."

I want him but I don't know if I love him enough to hurt myself again.

I love him but I'm still trying to figure out how to love myself with or without him in it.

I need him but I also need him away with me. He made me struggle a lot of things.

———
Hi! I hope you and the people you love are safe in times like this :)). Anyway, if you have any comments, suggestions or predictions about what would be the ending, that would be nice HAHAHA.

Shameless plug about my twitter: @_writtenbysb heheheehe