A LETTER FROM ME TO YOU (JENLISA)

WHAT THE FUTURE HOLDS

*LISA*

Cold.

That's how I would describe the atmosphere tonight. Perhaps I could relate in some way, was it the tone of my voice when I answered Jennie? Or the glacial façade that I barricaded. I don't know, lately my chest been really empty and gloomy.

"I'm in love with you.. for real.."

Now I can't get it off my mind, like a broken record that plays on repeat.
Why does she have to do this? It was so fucking confusing. Jennie was so confusing.

First it was Chaeyoung. God, it was awfully painful. And now it's Jennie, somehow it sends goosebumps within my skin, how her voice vibrated along my hearing. She caught me off guard with her confession, I know I felt something but there's bugging me that I shouldn't let it get to me, because it's like betraying my love for Chaeyoung.
My legs propelled for another swing but the feline eyed woman grasp the fabric of my coat, making my torso immobile down to my feet.

Furiously gritting my teeth, I swiftly turned around, when my eyes met Jennie's, she flinched, almost stumbling with my sudden movement. The latter pursed her lips, "why won't you let me Lisa?" She asked.
"Jennie, please.. stop." I weakly uttered, brushing her hand off of the coat.
Within a second, Jennie gripped my wrist her cat eyes locked on mine. Feeling the lump on my throat, I swallowed an air through my nostril.

Her eyes turned glassy.

No. Don't cry.

"Don't you feel the same way too?" Jennie asked, radiating a pleading look.
Why is she doing this to me when she's in a relationship with someone?
Balling my hands, jaw's clenching I said, "How can you say that when you're in a relationship, with Mino. Are you trying to make fun of me? Cause hell it wasn't funny at all." I exclaimed trying to calm my composure.

Scrunched face began to draw along Jennie's, "N-No I would never do that, I am in love with you!"

Hearing those words from Jennie felt..

Why am I getting so mad about it?
Maybe because she's doing it out of pity?
Was it out of pity?

"Stop!" My hands trembled, I can't stop the surging anger within me.

"Guilt kicked in when you rejected me that one night when I professed my twisted feelings? Maybe you felt the urge to help me lessen the pain in my chest because of what happened between me and Chaeyoung, that's why you're telling me these things to me. Out of fucking pity?"

Jennie's puzzled look was visible, her forehead's creasing. "wha-- no, it's not out of pity Lisa. Do you think it was easy for me to say these feelings? Do you even think how hard it was to be true to myself? To you?"

"I don't really understand you Jennie.."
I don't want to hear anymore from her, Striding away from Jennie, her heavy breaths surrounds the quiet area of the bridge.
"What's so difficult to understand? Were you that oblivious that I feel so attracted and so in love with you? In fact, even before I met you. Those letters, your written words became my company, It was until then that I realized, slowly.. I'm getting attached to some stranger, someone like you. But you were married to Chaeyoung that's why I tried to suppress what I feel towards you, because I know it's wrong." Jennie began to wipe her eyes with the back of her hand.

"Because no matter how much I am eager to fight for my feelings, your attention, love and affection will never be mine. That time you said you like me, hearing those words from you, it was like a beautiful dream, I know I hurted you during that time, what can I do? You're fucking married Lisa, I was so damn scared about what you felt for me was just an infatuation, and if Chaeyoung comes back you'll lose interest in me. But mine, my feelings are so strong that I can barely breathe anymore." Her breath turned ragged.

"After learning the truth between you and Chaeyoung, it was as if I was given a light of hope. That I can still fight and prove this feelings of mine to you. I know you're mad at me for treating you like a shit. Spitting words that hurts like hell. But believe me lisa, it was the only way to help and prevent myself from falling deeper into you." Jennie cried.

"You don't know how much it pains me for saying those terrible things to you. After all, that's what I think that is best for the both of us." She added.

She made my emotions stir. I don't want to see her tears rolling down to her cheeks knowing it was because of me. My heart broke because of Chaeyoung, but this, Jennie made me feel weird, different, it was so suffocating, my feelings are confusing and betraying me.
I furrowed my eyebrows.

"It's not easy for me Jennie. I can't just accept your feelings when I'm so damaged, I needed some healing from the heartbreak I had for Chaeyoung. A part of me is still waiting and hoping for her to come back, I need to mend myself." My hands flew to Jennie's soaked cheeks, wiping the residue using my thumb. The latter shut her eyes close, feeling the chilling touch of my palm to her face.

I don't want to hurt you.

Jennie makes me soft and weak in such way that I couldn't comprehend. Hell, I was mad at her but witnessing her vulnerable state and her tears falling, how can I get mad at her when she's hitting all the buttons of my emotions.
Jennie planted her palm on top of my hand that is currently on her face, the warmth she brought within me made my heart squeezed, crestfallen, if I would describe into words.

"Can't you atleast let me be part in your shattered heart? I may not be good at mending but I can stay with you as you slowly help yourself in healing to everything that brought you pain. " She shyly said.

I stared at Jennie, a tinged of flushness was visible on her cheeks, was it because of the cold temperature or the embarrassing thing she said?
I weakly smiled, she made my heart melt in a mere seconds.

"Woman I don't know what to do with you.." heaving a sigh, I inched closer to hug Jennie, our body collided as the warmness began to spur out. The feline eyed woman's effect to me is no joke, no matter how much I hated her, in the end I'll always be there for Jennie. She hurted me but why can't I seem to let her get hurt? It wasn't because of guilt but there's a part in me that grew fond of her, to ensure her security, to protect her, and.. to love her. Funny how I can easily say that word, that damn word that destroyed me in pieces. 'love'
My love for Chaeyoung wrecked me, it was devastating and so painful. But here's Jennie, offering her love wholeheartedly not minding if I would hurt her or throw her feelings away from me. I wish I was brave as her.

Shutting my eyes close, my embrace became tighter. Jennie's sweet scent lingered in my nostrils, it was intoxicating yet so calming. Maybe I should give it a try? To give a chance between me and Jennie. Maybe I should stop being a coward and try to atleast take a risk.

My fingers brushed against the silky strands of Jennie's hair.
"Please don't cry Jennie.. I don't want to see you crying, I hate it if I am the reason of your tears." Jennie's head tilted at the crook of my neck, inhaling my scent as she heavily sighed that sends shiver down to my spine.

"All I'm asking right now is would you let me love you Lisa? Even if you don't want it, I'll still do it. Even if you push me away, I will never leave you. I will stay." Jennie muttered, My chin rested on her head as I felt my eyes watered.

Can I do it?

Can I love Jennie without thinking about Chaeyoung?

I want to forget Chaeyoung and build a new beginning with Jennie Kim.

Jennie Kim.

A stranger who invaded my life without me knowing.

The woman that read my letters every friday night.

The midget that stayed with me during my days in the army and up until now.

I don't know what the future holds for us.

But

I want to see Jennie Kim in that future,

With me.