Safe With You

38. But.

*one week later, a week before Hunter leaves on tour*

The last week has been fine, not much was said, there were awkward silences, times where we would lay with each other, just to be as close as possible. He's been starting to pack some of his stuff but I ignore it. I just don't want him to be upset, or for him to think I'm upset.

Although in all honesty, on the inside, its killing me. I don't want him to have to worry about me, I don't want him to be so distracted that he can't focus. Am I really that awful that he can't even be excited about something because of me?

That's why I've been thinking, about leaving.

Not because I want to, God no! I love him so much, but its not fair to any of us for him to be distracted by me. I know he'll want to stay up all night and talk to me, but when he doesn't sleep it shows. His eyes get dark circles, his skin gets pale and washed out, his hair is half done, and the whites of his eyes get red; its really noticeable. I don't want him to be like that, but I also know that his label thinks he's going to be even more distracted if I go with him.

All I can think about is how upset he was when he found out he was to go on tour, I know that's not him. This has been what he's wanted forever and I can't be the one to make him feel bad about it. He shouldn'tve been crying, he should've been jumping up at down in excitement from the fact that someone wanted to take him on tour for 7 months!

And then there's me.

Now that Jack is in jail, I don't have to worry about him anymore. I don't have to be a recluse or be afraid. Hunter was there for me at my darkest time, but now thats over. I still want him in my life and don't think for a second that I don't, he's my everything, but I don't want to be alone. I'm still dealing with all of this stuff and I need someone here with me.

But then, I think about all of the things I love about him and I'm torn. When he gets home from tour, I can visit him, but it won't be as special. Plus, I don't think he just wants a 'friends with benefits' thing. And I think about how I'd rather be with him for the short amount of time that I can, rather than not being with him at all. He makes me feel whole, I've never had more sparks with someone in a kiss before, he's perfect. Almost too perfect, and that scares me. I'm not extraordinary, I'm not talented, I can't do a lot of things and I'm a mess! That's how he makes me feel like the most loved person on earth, he tells me all the things I'm good at and compliments me.

That's the problem with this situation. That one word that can make everything you just said meaningless:

But.

~~~

We decided that today we would just lay around since he didn't have to go to the studio. He popped in a movie and made hot chocolate, and now we're laying on the couch with our legs tangled together. He starts combing through my hair which feels like heaven on earth. "I love you," He mumbles. "Did you know that? That I love you?"

I sit up so that my chin is resting on his chest and he's looking down at me. "Of course!" I say in a high pitched tone, still half whispering.

"No, I know but, I'm in love with you."

"Hunter I understand-"

"No, you really don't." He says almost laughing. "I am not going to survive on this tour without you."

I look away from him and lay my head back down. "And that's what I'm afraid of." I whisper, hoping that he didn't just hear me.

"What?"

Damn.

I sit up and he does the same, as we face each other. "I want you to be happy!" I basically shout. "I don't want you to be upset that I'm not with you. I don't want you to worry about me every second of the day! Yes I love that you think about me a lot, but I don't want you to suffer for it. I don't want you to stay up till dawn talking to me because its more convenient for me. You're going to lose sleep and-"