Some Things Never Change [SHAWN MENDES]

December 12, 2014

"Did they make it?" I asked my mother in my shared dressing room of Madison Square Garden as I dabbed some concealer on an annoying outbreak of zits.

"Yes, thank goodness. Their flight was delayed three hours because of snow in Toronto but they got to New York with enough time to drop their bags off at the hotel and get here before the show started."

I'd been really worried that Ceci wouldn't see me perform when she'd texted from Pearson Airport that they were stuck. This was her birthday present, so I wanted everything to be perfect. Tonight was actually the second time she was seeing me this tour. All of my friends had come out to the Toronto show a few weeks ago. It had been amazing to perform in my hometown, but the venue was small and intimate. Tonight I'd be up on stage singing to around nineteen thousand people. That number blew my mind.

"How do I look?" I asked my mum.

I was wear black pants, black shoes, a black t-shirt, and a black and white checked flannel shirt that I kept unbuttoned. I'd ditched my earrings, but I had on a wooden beaded bracelet.

"You look very handsome," she said before giving me a kiss. "I'm going to go join everyone else to watch the show. You might not see us out there in that huge audience, but we'll be screaming for you!"

I was only performing two songs, so this was a pretty low-pressure event for me, but I was still nervous because it was one of the greatest venues in North America.

I ventured out so that I could hear a couple performances from backstage before it was my turn. Jingle Ball was really cool because there were so many incredible artists in the line-up. I'd had to play it cool and not act like a starstruck kid when I first met everyone. That was pretty hard to do when Taylor Swift was in the same room as me. Turns out she was totally sweet and took a liking to me in a big-sister kind of way. She'd even said that she'd love it if I opened for her on her next tour.

When it was my turn to go up on stage, Andrew gave me a little pep talk and then patted me on the back. As I looked out at the gigantic crowd and sang, I knew this was what I wanted to do for the rest of my life.

"Thank you, New York!" I said before taking a bow and jogging off the stage.

An hour later I was sitting in a hole-in-the-wall diner with my family, Andrew, and the Burroughs.

"You were so great!" Lisa gushed. "You got some of the loudest cheers, too!"

"What's it like singing in front of that big a crowd?" Eric asked.

"I can't describe it. It's just nuts. You'd think I'd be scared, but the most frightening part is before I go up on stage. Once I'm up there and I've got my guitar in my hands, a calm comes over me."

"Are you ready for what's ahead of you?" Lisa asked.

"I'm ready for all of it," I replied.

We stayed at the diner eating and talking for hours before catching a cab back to the hotel.

My parents had a room, as did Lisa and Eric. Ceci and my sister were sharing the room between them. I was on a whole different floor because my accommodations had been booked way in advance. After taking a shower and changing into comfortable clothes, I took the elevator down two floors and knocked on Ceci and Aaliyah's door. It was the middle of the night, but I knew they were still up because we'd been texting.

We all got into the king sized bed and I told them about the famous people I'd met so far. Before long, Aaliyah was sound asleep.

"Let's go in the bathroom so we can keep talking," Ceci whispered.

We carefully got out of the bed and tiptoed to the large bathroom. There was nowhere to sit, so we climbed into the tub and sat opposite each other, our legs intertwined.

"Do you ever get homesick?" she asked.

"Yeah, all the time. I miss my family and my friends a lot, but I can't stay at home and still follow my dreams."

"I know we haven't really been able to be best friends publicly for years, but that never changed the fact that we are. I miss seeing you in the the hall at school and having you smile at me," she said softly.

That was our thing. At school I hung out with the guys, but when I'd see Ceci, I'd flash her a special smile that was just for her. She'd smile back and I'd feel warm inside.

"I miss you more than any of my other friends," I said truthfully.

"It's never really going to be the same, is it?"

The sad tone of her voice hit me hard. "Things are changing for me, but I'm still the same person. We're still the same. That's never going to change. I vow to you that you'll always be my best friend."

"There's something related to our friendship that I've wanted to talk about," she said.

"What?"

"The kissing...I think that needs to stop. It's blurring the lines a little and if I'm being honest, it confuses me."

My heart sunk at the thought of never kissing her again. In fact, I'd assumed that was why she wanted to go in the bathroom.

"I thought that as long as we kept it a secret and understood we are still just friends, it was cool," I said.

Ceci looked away for a second before speaking. "I think we're lying if we say we're just friends. I'm not saying we're more than friends, but people who are just friends don't make out with each other."

"So we're friends with benefits. That's not such a weird thing."

"It's weird for me, Shawn. You're my very best friend and I don't really like that I've got this strong physical attraction to you."

I ran my right hand through my still-damp hair. "I just kinda separate those two things in my head. Like sometimes we're in strictly friends mode but other times I look at you and want to kiss you."

"But you also look at other girls and want to kiss them. And you'll start acting on those desires as the opportunity arises. You will probably have sex with one of those girls...maybe you have already. You've messed around with me because I was available and safe, but eventually you won't need me for that," she said.

"Jesus, Ceci...you make it sound like I'm using you," I said incredulously.

"No. We're using each other. I was just as into it as you."

"But you want it to stop?"

"Yes, because I'm afraid that the longer we keep it up, the harder it will be to call it quits. But more than that, I'm terrified that it'll ruin what we have. I love you too much to lose you."

It's not like I could argue with her. I'd been raised to understand that when a girl says no, you don't push.

"I'm going to head back to my room so that I can get some sleep. We've got a big day ahead of us tomorrow," I said as I stood up in the bathtub.

She got out of the tub, too, and walked me to the door where she gave me a big hug. When I got back to my suite and crawled under the covers, I kept thinking about our conversation.

Why did it feel like she'd broken up with me and why did it hurt so much?