Some Things Never Change [SHAWN MENDES]

December 3, 2022

Three weeks had passed since Ceci and I started our "break" and it had been nineteen days since I'd seen her. I was beyond miserable. I tried writing new music since the success of my album had me eager to release another, but I couldn't stop thinking that when I saw her again she was going to tell me that we were done. Every song was about the heartbreak that I was anticipating with dread.

The last time we'd broken up, I'd made some pretty bad choices. I needed to be better this time, if it came to that. It's not like I'd go running to Fiona, at least. Whatever feelings I'd once felt for her had shriveled up and died long ago. How had I ever mistaken my infatuation with her for love?

As I sat on a chaise lounge by the pool, wearing a sweater and jeans since it was chilly, I opened my phone and looked at social media. Sighing, I closed up Instagram after seeing that there were still tons of posts circulating about the wedding being called off. We hadn't made the date public, but someone who worked for the inn where the ceremony was supposed to be held told a friend who then tweeted about it, and within twenty-four hours I'd been pressed to release a statement. I couldn't contact Ceci for her input, so I'd kept it vague and simple.

Given what we've been through this year, Ceci and I have chosen to postpone our wedding until the time is right ❤️

I'd fibbed about the reason, because it was too personal to announce to the world that I'd had reservations. "Postpone" was also definitely stretching the truth, but if I said we might not be getting married at all, it would be like telling the world we were over.

And I couldn't deal with that.

I rubbed my arm which still stung from the covid booster shot that I'd gotten two days ago. The virus had mutated enough that the previous vaccination wasn't completely effective anymore. I wondered if Ceci had gotten hers yet. Her immune system wasn't great because of the spleen damage, so her doctor had recommended it. I considered texting to remind her that she needed it, but that would have just been a lame excuse to make contact. Plus, Ceci rarely needed reminding of anything. The only message I'd sent her since our break started was on her birthday. I'd told her I loved her and was thinking of her on her day. She'd left me on read, which solidified in my brain that we were probably done.

I went onto my smart-home app to see if she was at the condo. It gave me data about each time the door was opened and which lights were on, which made it pretty easy to figure out when she was home. She'd disabled location sharing on her phone, so this was my only means of stalking her. Maybe this made me a creep, but I couldn't help it,

Apparently the door had been opened this morning and currently all lights were off. It was Saturday, so she might have had plans with friends, or maybe she went to her parents for the day.

I'd sent Lisa and Eric a long letter last week. As in an actual handwritten-on-paper letter, because I felt that it made what I had to say more personal and meaningful than an email. I explained to them why I'd proposed and why I'd later felt we'd rushed things. I took the blame for everything and tried to convey that none of what happened had anything to do with my love for Ceci. I also told them that they were my family and I loved them. I concluded the letter by saying that their daughter was the best thing in my life and that I hoped they knew that hurting her was the last thing I'd wanted to do.

I popped in my AirPods and selected a playlist of sad songs that I'd made in 2019. I'd been drawn to listening to it again lately. I hit shuffle and "Someone Like You" by Adele started to play.

"I heard that you're settled down...
That you found a girl and you're married now...
I heard that your dreams came true...
Guess she gave you things, I didn't give to you...
Old friend, why are you so shy?
Ain't like you to hold back or hide from the light..."