Some Things Never Change [SHAWN MENDES]

June 11, 2022

Ceci remained in the hospital for a full week, mainly because of the damage to her spleen and artery. I insisted on staying with her. The staff wheeled in a reclining chair so that I could sleep by her side, which meant I only went home for an hour each day to shower.

The hospital stay was just the first step in her recovery process. We'd been told that it could be months before she'd be able to resume her normal life, so she'd taken extended leave from her job. I cancelled all my upcoming festival appearances, and Andrew started making arrangements for the promotion for my next single to be done from home. It was like 2020 all over again.

The Burroughs stayed in Los Angeles, spending their days at the hospital and their nights at my house. My mum and dad were in town for three days and left only because I encouraged them to go home. It was a little much having both sets of our parents hovering over us, filled with worry. We'd told them about the baby, and naturally they were heartsick for us. We'd hoped to keep this fact between our families and those closest to us, but that wasn't possible.

After examining the fetus, Dr. Carter was obligated to inform the police that a 10 week old fetal life had been lost as a result of the shooting. California has strict laws about feticide, which was a surprise to me and Ceci since Canada has none. This was why Trevor Pullman had not been charged after the accident. Both Dr. Carter and Dr. Huang gave depositions stating that their professional opinion was that it was very likely the trauma of the shooting had caused the miscarriage. The police took the pregnancy test and the receipt for it's purchase as evidence that Ceci had been pregnant the day before the shooting, since she'd bought and taken the test that morning.

"What can I get you?" I asked Ceci once I got her settled in our bed after her hospital release.

"I'd love some ice water," she said.

"I'll get it!" Lisa replied, practically sprinting out of the room.

Ceci looked at me. "Am I a terrible person for wanting them to go home? Their concern and helpfulness is becoming a little oppressive."

I'd felt this way for days, so it was a relief to hear she was on the same page.

"That's not terrible and it's actually quite understandable. Would you like me to talk to them?"

"No. I should be the one to do it. You had to tell your parents, I can handle mine."

When Lisa returned, I went to get Eric who was outside vacuuming the pool. Once they were both in the room, Ceci carefully brought up the sensitive subject.

"I love you both for putting your lives on hold and coming here, but Shawn and I have a lot to sort through emotionally, and I think we need to be alone to do that."

"Oh. We were thinking we'd stay another two weeks," Lisa said. "Your dad and I can handle all the shopping, cooking, cleaning, and yard work so that you can just focus on recovering."

Eric put a hand on his wife's shoulder. "I think we need to listen to our daughter."

Lisa nodded. "Of course. What if we stay two more days so that we can prepare and freeze a bunch of meals and get the house in tip-top shape?"

That sounded like a good compromise to me, and god knows I couldn't do all the cooking.

"That would be wonderful," Ceci said. "I'm going to take a little nap. The discharge procedure was really tiring."

Her parents said that they were going to run out to get some groceries, and I figured I'd talk to Andrew while she slept so that he could give me an update on my new single. I'd stayed offline since the shooting because the news articles stressed me out. I understood that an attempt on my life which resulted in my girlfriend being shot was newsworthy, but that didn't mean I wanted to relive it each time I opened up my phone. Andrew had written a statement for me, but reporters were still parked on the street outside my house. We'd had a police escort home today, and they'd pushed them back far enough that Ceci could enter the house in peace. Jake was on call to help with all of her upcoming doctor visits. He'd offered to live with us, since the attack had put him on high alert, but I'd assured him that wasn't necessary. Instead I'd had a new security system installed complete with twenty-four hour outdoor video monitoring.

As I turned off the light and started for the door, Ceci stopped me. "Can you lay down with me? I don't want to be alone."

I stripped down to my underwear and crawled under the covers beside her, though I couldn't pull her into my arms without causing her pain. Each gunshot wound hurt terribly, yet she declined any strong narcotics because she was afraid of addiction. She'd been on them intravenously for several days after her surgery and told me they kept her numb, which was a feeling she didn't want to become dependent on. This meant that she'd be living with chronic discomfort as she healed, since what she was on barely took the edge off.

"I love you," I told her as I brushed her hair out of her eyes.

"Do you ever think that maybe we're cursed?"

"That's nonsense, and you've never believed in anything like that before."

"Then why can't things be easier for us? You've said you think we're meant to be, but the universe is sending a different message," she said.

"I don't know. I can't handle thinking about that right now, baby. My focus is on getting you healthy and happy."

She started to cry. "What if I can never be happy again? What if for the rest of my life I spend my days replaying the shooting in my head? What if I can't stop missing our lost babies?"

Hot tears started to pour from my eyes, too. "I...I worry about the same thing, but I like to think that time will help. Remember how bad it was after your car accident? Even if we never stopped grieving for our baby girl, things did get better."

"But now my body is covered in scars as a reminder. You're not going to be able to look at me naked without thinking about it. I'm damaged."

I gulped back my tears. "Don't say that, honey. Nothing can ever make you less perfect in my eyes. Do you know what those scars are going to remind me of? When I see them I'll think of the fact that you saved me. If you hadn't shown up at that exact moment, I might be dead along with Jake and those guards. So maybe you think we're cursed, but I think the opposite. You're my miracle. I fucking hate that you got hurt because of it, though. I'd do anything to be the one with the scars."

I'd really been struggling with guilt this past week. I knew it wasn't my fault that Ceci had been shot, but if she wasn't my girlfriend it wouldn't have happened. Everyone kept saying that there was nothing we could have done to prevent it, but that didn't help.

I also felt horrible about our fight. We hadn't discussed it, so it was hanging over my head like a dark storm cloud. I needed to apologize for being dishonest, but I hated to bring up that day since that's when she was shot. Plus, the fact that I'd missed the special dinner she'd cooked with the intention of sharing her big news was even more terrible since we'd lost the baby. Sometimes I laid in bed and wondered if I'd just come home that night and not gone to the bar with Andrew and Cez or had the drink with Fiona, would there have been some sort of butterfly effect that would have meant Ceci wouldn't have been shot? Or would it have been worse? If we hadn't had the fight, would Ceci have been with me after the show and would we both have been killed?

I was mourning the loss of our second pregnancy, and this brought on additional guilt. I'd wanted us to try again, so I wondered if our slip ups had been subconsciously intentional on my part. Had I impregnated her on purpose? If so, I was to blame for the pain we were both suffering from now. I vowed to be more careful when we were able to resume sexual activity, though I had no idea when that would be.

Ceci had her own host of mental struggles. Having someone shoot you fucks with your brain in ways I knew I couldn't fully understand. She'd lost the internal radiance that I loved so much, but I was hopeful it would come back with time. In the hospital, after her parents left each night, she'd cried for hours on end about our baby which led to new tears being shed for the baby girl we'd lost the year before.

In addition to these emotional issues, she had a multitude of physical ones. She had to be very careful while her spleen and femoral artery healed, which resulted in her having to be on bed rest for six weeks total. Once the rest period was done, she'd need physical therapy for her left shoulder.

"Shawn..." Ceci said as she wiped the tears off her cheeks.

"What, baby?"

"I love you, too."