Some Things Never Change [SHAWN MENDES]

October 30, 2021

I sat on the bench sipping the coffee I'd picked up at the nearby corner shop. I was leaving to continue the North American tour later tonight and needed to reflect on some things. I'd visited this spot a couple times since we'd laid the stone heart to rest, because it gave me a strange sense of peace. I wondered if Ceci ever sat here. I could ask her, of course, but I wouldn't want to push her to share something that was private.

Dawn was barely breaking and the air was so cold that I knew the local trick-or-treaters would have jackets over their costumes tomorrow. Would we have dressed our newborn up in something cute like a pumpkin? Probably. I pushed that thought out of my mind and looked around the empty park. I couldn't really remember how I'd found this place the first time I was here. As drunk as I'd been, I still remembered with razor sharp clarity what I said that night and the perfect eleven days that followed. I also remembered how I'd fucked everything up.

Unfortunately, I was good at hurting those closest to me.

I pulled out my phone and stared at the last texts I'd exchanged with Brian before he'd cut me out of his life. We'd talked about having a beer together, which was never happening now. I knew he wouldn't reach out to me, but I needed to tell him I was still here. Moreover, I wanted him to know how I felt even if it made me really vulnerable.

Hey man

I need you to know how sorry I am

I hate that I hurt you

I miss you and want us to try to work this out

For a split second the three dots appeared, and my heart leapt at the thought that he was responding. Then they went away and I didn't receive a text.

I leaned back against the cold wrought iron seat and thought about how I'd messed a lot of things up. What had been the critical moment in the chain reaction of mistakes? Was it kissing Ceci all those years ago? Was it having sex with her over and over again? Or was it continuing to keep a grasp on her after I'd hurt her so badly?

I took another drink of coffee and was struck by a thought. None of those things were mistakes, because I knew I'd repeat them if I could rewind my life. If I went back to being the fifteen year old who was sitting on the couch with Ceci after drinking some champagne, I'd kiss her all over again.

Closing my eyes, I thought back to the first night when I'd sat on this bench. I replayed it in my mind, knowing that I'd been drawn here today for a reason.

And then it hit me. The mistake I'd made, and that I continued to make, wasn't anything I'd done. It was that I had never accepted that what I'd said to Ceci that night was the only time I'd let myself be completely honest about us.

I sent Ceci a quick text.

Can I take you to dinner before my flight?

It took her a few minutes to reply.

Sounds good

Pick you up at 6 instead of 7:30?

I replied that I'd be waiting.

Ceci was driving me to the airport. My family sometimes took me so that they could give me a loving send-off, but they were hosting a Halloween party tonight. I could have arranged a driver, but when Ceci said she'd like to do it, I happily accepted her offer.

Punctual as always, she was at my door right at six o'clock. It took two trips to load my luggage in the car since I'd be gone for six weeks. I still had the original breaks worked into my tour schedule, but instead of coming home between the two-week legs, I was heading to Los Angeles to start working on my fifth album.