Some Things Never Change [SHAWN MENDES]

March 19, 2021

We were back in the same exam room at the OB GYN's office for Ceci's twelve week check-up. She was wearing a pink gown but had been told by the nurse that she could keep her panties on. We were both wearing masks, which was still the standard operating procedure whenever you were in a tight space. It had become so routine that I often forgot that we used to not automatically put them on when we'd be close to people outside our bubble. One of the things Dr. Morton had emphasized at the last visit was the importance of mask wearing and hand washing. Canada's curve was flattened to almost nothing, but that didn't mean covid-19 wasn't still out there.

I was particularly happy at this appointment because I felt like we'd crossed a really important threshold. We were out of the miscarriage risk period. I'd been worried the entire past four weeks and found myself texting Ceci frequently to see how she was feeling.

There was one soft knock on the door and then Dr. Morton stepped inside.

"Hello!" she said brightly before looking at her tablet. "Your urine sample was great and your blood pressure is perfect. You've only gained a pound so far, which is a little lower than normal. I don't want you intentionally trying to not gain weight."

"I'm strangely not that hungry," Ceci explained. "I thought pregnant women were supposed to have lots of cravings."

"That's coming. Just wait," the doctor said. "Do you have any concerns?"

"I had a stuffy nose and a sore throat a few days ago, which obviously got me worried about coronavirus. I'm pretty sure it was just allergies. If I do think I've got it, do I call you or my regular doctor?"

"Call me and we'll make sure you get tested. The virus is highly unlikely to be transmitted to the fetus, so you don't have to worry about that."

Ceci getting sick was another thing for me to worry about, though. She hadn't told me she'd had those symptoms, which bothered me.

"Lay back so we can start the exam," Dr. Morton directed.

Ceci reclined on the table and the doctor lifted her gown. She then pressed on her abdomen and used a measuring tape to calculate something. I was surprised to see a tiny bump on Ceci's normally flat stomach. I really wanted to reach out and touch it.

"You're measuring right at twelve weeks. We call this the height of the fundus. I'll be recording it at each visit."

These visits were quite an educational experience. I'd never even heard of a fundus before today.

"Let's take a listen to the heartbeat," she said. "This is a Doppler monitor and I've got it hooked up via Bluetooth to a recording device. I can airdrop the file to you."

Now she was talking a language I understood! I felt giddy with anticipation as she put the device on Ceci's stomach. She moved it around until a repetitive whooshing sound played over the small speaker.

"There we go. That's your baby's heart! Looks like it's beating at about 120 BPMs, which is very normal."

I grabbed Ceci's hand and held it tightly as I felt a rush of emotions course through my body. I looked at her and saw tears in the corners of her brown eyes.

Just as she'd promised, the doctor gave us the audio file. The sound was really unique and I wondered if there was a way that I could incorporate it into a song. Obviously I'd have to hold off on that awhile since the world wasn't going to know about the baby until we got closer to the due date. I still wasn't sure how I'd share that news; it was going to be a little problematic since Ceci and I weren't a couple. When I talked to Andrew and told him about the pregnancy, he'd assured me that we'd figure something out. In the meantime, we needed to keep it quiet.

When we got to the car, I looked at the clock on the dashboard. "It's almost noon. Want to grab lunch?" I suggested.

"Oh my god! Is Shawn Mendes asking me on a date?"

Sarcastic Ceci had joined the chat, apparently. I didn't mind at all because it felt like old times.

"Ha. It's not like that would be so weird considering you've got my baby growing inside you."

"True, but we've never gone out to eat, just the two of us. What if we get spotted?" she asked.

"I doubt anyone would think anything of it. We've been seen together dozens of times and my fans know who you are. They also know we're just friends."

Just friends. What a joke that was. I expected Ceci to make another sarcastic comment but she didn't.

"Let's grab carry-out. I don't feel like eating in a crowded restaurant," she said instead.

We stopped and got soup and sandwiches which we brought back to my condo. As we ate lunch, we listened to the heartbeat over and over. The sound gave me continuous goosebumps.

I chewed my last bite of food and turned to face Ceci. "Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if we are seen out together a couple times before I leave for Europe. It might make it less of a shock when we announce that we're having a baby together."

"I'm not going to fake-date you just for the sake of appearances."

"I wasn't suggesting that. We just haven't really been seen together lately, and at least it would show we're still a part of each other's lives."

There was a time when pics of me and Ceci surfaced pretty regularly. Some were shared by our families after a birthday or holiday. They usually weren't photos of just the two of us, but she was always present in the group shots. Other photos were taken at parties with our friends from high school. My fans rightly assumed she was a family friend from Pickering, and a lot of them followed her on Instagram. She never posted about me, so many had unfollowed after awhile.

Ceci got up, threw her trash away, and then went into the living room and sat down on the white couch. I disposed of my paper sandwich wrapping and soup container before sitting down next to her.

"I think that we need to figure out what we are to each other before we start being seen alone together. People will jump to conclusions no matter what. I know that. But we need to be on the same page for our own sakes," she said.

"Okay. That makes sense. So what are we?"

"I don't know."

"What would you like us to be?" I asked.

She gave this some thought before replying. "We're stuck with each other now that we'll be raising this baby, so I'd like it if we could be friends again. Like we used to be."

That hurt like hell. On my end of things, we'd never stopped being friends. Things had changed over the years, but she'd never stopped being one of the most important people in my life.

"I'm still your friend, Ceci," I said softly.

"We stopped being friends in 2019," she said. "I know you want to pretend like all that never happened, but it did and I can't look at you without remembering it. You broke my heart."

Shit. I hated that she'd gone there, though it was probably inevitable.

"I was an idiot! I've apologized to you a million times. Are you ever going to forgive me?"

"Were you an idiot about us or about her? You've never really clarified that. Which part was a mistake, Shawn?" she asked pointedly.

I didn't have an answer. All I had were regrets.