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Panic Attack // J. St James

I barely even make it into the auditorium before my knees buckle and I fall towards the floor. I just manage to catch myself on the arm rest of a chair before I hit the ground so that I don't hurt myself. I try and take a deep breath in but my lungs feel like they are on fire, and instead I cough as I choke. I sit down on the chair that I caught myself on and dig my palms into the side of my head as I struggle to breathe and see from all of the crying.

I had been in the middle of glee rehearsal practicing for regionals when all of a sudden everything got really chaotic. Everyone started yelling at each other and all of a sudden in my mind I was back home, listening to my mum and dad fight. Before I even realised what was going on, my fight or flight instincts kicked in and I had ran out the door, unsure if anyone had even noticed.

I clench my fist and hold it against my chest as I throw my head back and try and take in a really deep breath. I am only slightly successful, as my lungs only feel a small amount of relief. Since I'm alone in the auditorium, I let out a cry without covering my face, instead now covering my eyes with my palms desperately hoping that the violent image of my parents would disappear. When it doesn't, I grip my thighs so tightly that my knuckles turn the palest shade of white.

"Hey, stop doing that." I hear a voice say. A voice I can only recognise as my boyfriend Jesse. I don't listen and keep squeezing my thigh, hoping that it will make me feel a little less numb.

"(Y/N), stop!" He says again, kneeling down next to me and grabbing my hand which forces me to stop.

"I can't" I cry, taking my other hand and pulling at my hair, but he takes that hand too, causing me to start sobbing again, this time so embarrassed that he had finally seen me like this. I was no stranger to a panic attack but I was really hoping that Jesse would never get to see me this way.

"I know it's difficult, but you can." He says, his voice calm but also assertive. "Take a deep breath with me."

You shake your head, but rests his hand on your cheek.

"Yes, (Y/N). 1... 2... 3..." He says, and you take a deep shaky breath.

"Good." Jesse says, "now go again. 1... 2... 3..."

"Thank you." You mumble, squeezing his hand.

"Now open your eyes." He says, making you realise that you had had your eyes closed tightly the whole time.

"I don't want to." You say, your voice so shaky still, despite being able to breath better. "I can't."

"Come on (Y/N), on the count of three." He says softly, before counting to three. You open your eyes and they sting a little bit from being shut so tightly. Jesse takes his thumb and wipes away the tear that had fallen as your eyes flickered open.

"You're so beautiful." He says. "Even when you cry."

You try your best to laugh but it only turns into crying again.

"Hey, you're okay." He says, resting his hand on your knee. "Remember to breathe again."

After a moment of silence, when you have calmed down a little, Jesse speaks again. "I'm going to try something, and you're probably just going to tell me it's silly, but I want you to try it."

"O-Okay." You whisper.

"I want you to tell me five things you can see." He says.

"Okay," You say swallowing the lump in your throat.

"I can see you, I can see the seats, I can see the desk, I can see the stage, and I can see the clock on the wall."

"Good work, baby." He smiles. "Now tell me four things you can feel."

"I-I can feel the crack in the leather of this chair, I can feel my belt buckle dig into my waist just a little, I can feel your hand, and I can feel the breeze from the air conditioning."

"Very specific, I like it." He laughs.

"How much longer do I have to do this?" You ask.

"Only a few more. I want you to tell me three things you can hear." He says.

You take a deep breath and listen for a moment. "I can hear people walking past the door, I can hear one of the lights buzzing, and can hear the sound of your hands brushing against my jeans."

"Good." He smiles "Okay, now two things you can smell."

"I can smell your cologne, and the leather scent of this chair." You reply, now smiling a little bit as you think about how good he smells.

"Great. Now lastly, one thing you can taste."

"I can't really taste anything except the remanence of tears." You reply.

"Okay. Do you feel better?" Jesse asks, taking a deep breath.

"I do. Thank you." You reply, caressing his face with your thumb.

"I'm glad." He smiles.

"I'm sorry you had to see that though." You mumble, looking down.

"Hey," He says, tilting your face up to look at him. "It's more than okay baby." He then leans in and plants a soft kiss on your lips.

"I love you." You say, taking both of his hands.

"I love you too. How about we skip the rest of rehearsal and go and have an early dinner at that place you like across town?"

"That sounds amazing."

__________

Love,

Will