The year that changed it all

I really can't get rid of it

Harry's POV

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Draco seems awfully uptight and stressed about something. He's trying to hide it but it is quite obvious and I am starting to wonder what it's about. I think I am going to ask him about it in his room tonight after dinner.

"Dray," I said as I sat down on the sofa facing the fire while he was lying down on the bed reading.

"Yes love?" He responded without looking away from his book.

"Is there something wrong? Did I do something? Is something bothering you?" I asked him and he immediately looked up from his book.

"No? Why do you ask?" He replied, a bit too quickly.

"I was just wondering because you seem like you have something important on your mind. If I did anything please tell me, and if something is wrong, I can help you" I said to him.

"You did nothing wrong Harry. It'... it's just something going on at home." He said to me as he made his way to sit down next to me on the sofa.

"Everything is alright through, I am handling it, but it just takes some time." He said to me while moving me into his lap.

"And Harry, nothing you do can make me upset with you." He said before kissing me.

Draco's POV

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Harry has been getting suspicious of me but Dumbledore has also been working with him to find horcruxes that the dark lord made so we haven't really been spending as much time together as we used to. Honestly, Dumbledore is doing some questionable things this year. I told him about the mission I have been put on to let the death eaters into the school and he told me to do it. I thought I was supposed to be protecting the school by being a spy but then Dumbledore made a good point. If I don't do what I am told, the dark lord will begin to be suspicious and he will also punish me and my family for my inability to hold out the plan.

I also told him that I was supposed to kill him. It was risky telling him that but he took it surprisingly well. He remained in his relaxed state as if he already expected me to tell him that. He told me to do it and I almost fell off my chair because of how shocked I was. The thing is, I really don't want to kill him but I am being forced to.

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Harry went with Dumbledore today to do some horcrux hunting and I spent my day in the bathroom like most days that Harry isn't here. I have started becoming really anxious and frustrated with the dark mark. I wish it would go away because first of all, I don't want it and second, people are starting to spread rumours about whether I have it or not and it is making it even harder to carry out the tasks I have been given from the dark lord. Third, I am really paranoid about Harry finding out. I know sooner or later he is going to find out about it but I'm not ready yet.

I ran to the bathroom when I felt myself start to have a breakdown. Myrtle is the only one who knows about my dark mark in the school except for Snape and Dumbledore of course. Even though we didn't get off on the best of terms in fourth year, Myrtle has been quite sympathetic towards me. I think she has realised how much I love Harry and now she has more respect for me.

I was looking at myself in the wet mirror from the water I had just washed my face with.

"Pathetic"

"Coward"

"Disgusting"

"Useless"

The word came out of my mouth as if I had been saying them all day every day. I truly hate myself at this point. All because of a stupid mark. I want it gone! I want it gone now!

(Self Harm Warning skip if you get triggered by self harm)

I pulled up my sleeve and made a claw out of my right hand. I held my fingernails at my wrist before dragging my hand up my forearm, slowly digging my nails deeper and deeper into my skin. I repeated it, over and over again until my arm was dripping with blood and my eyes were filled with tears.

(Self Harm Finished)

Once I calmed down I put my arm under the water and let the blood wash away. For a few seconds, the mark was gone and all I could see was scratch marks. I felt so happy at that moment. Suddenly, the scratch marks started to turn black and before I knew it, the mark was back. My heart sunk. I really can't get rid of it.

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Hey guys, sorry if you get triggered by self harm, I will put a warning in the chapter before as well if there will be any self harm coming up. 

If you wanna talk to me about something then just drop a comment on this and I will tell you how :) Trust me, sometimes telling someone really helps and I feel really uncomfortable with telling people I know so I would always have to see different people to talk to, but it helped. So If you want to, Im always up for a chat or if you just want someone to listen then I'm a great listener too :)

I hope you have a lovely day! :)