The Story of Calvin and Tam (BWWM)

Tam

I am lost! I am stuck in an abyss of self doubt, self hatred, and sadness. I don't know how to think or feel. I keep thinking about the baby, I never got to know if it was going to be a boy or girl. To me this was an opportunity to do things right this time, the child was going to have a mother and father for all of its life. I can't help but wonder if this is a sign that we should've never gotten back together. Fuck the money and at this point fuck love. I just need to know if I'm doing the right thing. I look over to see Calvin on Google looking for new places to go. He keeps talking but for some reason I can't hear him. I can't hear anything but my thoughts. Tam you killed your kid. Tam you deserve this! Tam just take Ari and leave forever. My thoughts keep getting louder and louder! The pain keeps getting stronger and stronger.
"Tam what's on your mind," Calvin says finally getting my attention.
"Nothing," I say abruptly.
"Honey look at me," I look into his sea blue eyes as told. "We can get through this. If you want we can have another child before or after the wedding or once we move!"
"FOR WHAT CALVIN?! IT WONT REPLACE THE CHILD OR TAKE AWAY MY FEELINGS!" I exclaim. "I just need to get through the hurt and the guilt. I need to get through the thoughts going through my head that just won't shut up. I blame myself! I blame our love. I blame the stupid money hungry bitch that put our family in danger. I don't know what to do anymore and neither will leaving or getting married or having a kid take away what I'm feeling right now!"
Calvin looks at me and stares with a shocked expression. "Tam I'm trying! This happened to all of us not just you. But I'm trying to move forward. They want to see us down and if you leave now then we would've gone through this for nothing! Maybe we should go to counseling and definitely get counseling for Ari! She's probably scared shitless right now Tammy."
He strokes my face and kisses me on the cheek. "Please baby I know you're scared but we need to get through this as a family," he says as he grabs my hand.
"Do you think Jamie will come back?" I ask worried about if she still posed a potential threat.
"Probably not, and if she does it'll be a while... She did get shot in both knees," he says while smirking. "You are one badass woman you know that right? This is the time to be strong."
What he said made me feel slightly better. "You really think I'm badass?" I ask while looking up and starting to smile for the first time in days.
"Of course honey," he says while bringing me in for a hug and kissing the top of my forehead. "You beat the living fuck out of her and also shot her in both of her knees and successfully saved Ari. What's more badass than that?" He hugs me tighter and I return the embrace equally. Finally I'm starting to feel more secure but I can't help to wonder how long will my happiness stay before something comes to take it away once again. I look at my maybe or maybe not fiancé and give him a loving kiss.
"I love you baby," I finally say.
"I love you too Tam," he says while kissing my forehead, cheeks, neck, and anything he could get his hands on. "So California or Canada?" I laugh at his question.
"Are those the only options?" I ask while laughing
"No but I thought I should ask while I had your attention I've been feeling like I was talking to a wall all day!"
He probably was but now I feel a little better and I'm starting to get out of the darkness.