The Purple Spider's Second Chance

You Only Know You Love Her when You Let Her Go

Jiang Fengmian POV

After she is gone, I always have these sudden urges to go wherever she used to be,mainly, her room. Right now, I'm standing there alone again. I sighed then I decided to go out when I heard a creak on the wooden floor board. I squatted down and I realised that the wood was loose. I opened it and found a few books there.

I frowned and picked one up. I opened it and instantly recognised my lady...,no, Yu Ziyuan's handwriting. I read it and I could feel my heart being squeezed. It turns out the books were her diaries. I read a passage on the first page.

Spring,240

I met my fiancè, I was taking a stroll with A-Fei when I saw him wearing a purple robe with his hair tied in a ponytail. He was walking with a boy and a girl. They seem very happy. I can't help but worry that I wouldn't be accepted to his group.I hope that I can though, I hope to be friends with his friends, after all it is the duty of a wife to be at least cordial with her husband's acquaintance.

I froze after reading that, I didn't know she saw me, a-ze, and a-ren and I definitely didn't know that she wanted to be friends with them. I searched the books for an explanation and I found it.

Autumn,241

Me and Jiang Fengmian already spent a lot of time together although I'm a little disappointed that he never tried to see me first it was always arranged or me asking for his time.I met his friends a few times, I like the boy, Wei Cangze, he is quiet but polite and respectful, the girl though she is too unruly. When I met her to ask if she wanted to join me for embroidery class she told me that embroidery is something for girls that just stay at home and serve their husbands. She said that a useful wife to a sect leader is to be able to fight. I was offended and screamed at her only to be reprimanded by my fiancè. Gosh, this has been an awful day.

I raised my eyebrow at this. I didn't know it happened but remembering it now, I seem to remember her screaming at a-ren and me reprimanding her. I think that was the beginning of me getting a bad impression of her. I thought she screamed at her because she was jealous. That's why I started to decline her invitation for walks ever since then.

Now, I could understand why she acted that way, no girl would like to be labeled not useful to her husband. Even though I'm pretty sure a-ren didn't mean to insult her, but, sometimes even I have to admit she never really thinks before she speaks. I think that's one of the reason why I fell....no, let's get back to the books.

Summer, 242

I'm getting married to Jiang Fengmian and I'm going to be his wife now. He's been ignoring me ever since that day, I screamed at Sanren. I sighed well I will not apologize as I did not do anything wrong. I know he is in love with her. A-fei noticed it too and tried to make me run away with him. I giggled at this, he really wants to take me away when he's in love with my second brother? I asked him what would he do if he couldn't see second brother's face every day and he replied dramatically ( typical A-fei) and said that he'd die slowly each day but he'll gladly do it if it makes me happy. I laughed at this but I told him that I'm in love with my soon to be husband and I'd  'die' if I couldn't see his face everyday too. He only laughed and escorted me to my sedan, right now I'm writing this in my marriage chamber. I can't wait to see him, my husband...

Autumn,242

I'm pregnant. After consummation, I'm finally pregnant. Finally, I won't be alone here. Jiang Fengmian never visited my chambers except for the appointed time when we're supposed to consumate, I could tell that he still didn't love both from him leaving me alone most of the time and him... calling another woman's name when he finished making love to me, her name, but that doesn't matter as I'm now pregnant, he would have to spent more time with me right? At least when taking care of our child?

I paused at this. I...called out A-ren's name when we... why didn't she tell me? Knowing her she would have thrown me out the door or at least screamed at me. I read some more.

Summer, 247

How could he do this to his own son? A-cheng is a bright child but he only cares for Wei Wuxian who is as unruly as his mother. I could tell A-Cheng is hurting seeing his father cares for another's son more than him. My son is getting bitter, like me, should I intervene? No, maybe seeing his father caring for Wuxian will get him to work harder, all I need to do is push him…

Hah, after all this time, it turns out my husband still cares for his first love and still doesn't even spare me a second glance…

I took a deep breath and sighed. I never knew she felt like this. I never know she was that lonely back then. I didn't... huh... I guess back then I still thought of her as a bitter, jealous, selfish woman but perhaps I was wrong... No, I was wrong. Deep down, I felt my heart hurt as if it's been pricked by a thousand needles. I decided to put the books back in their place and slowly made my way to my room.

I sat down contemplating what I did wrong in my marriage which I'm ashamed to say is the first time I did that. I used to think that the only problem was her and I used to wish that she would be more like…

Never mind that, A-cheng he's... grown distant. Everytime I tried to talk to him he just ignored me. Now, when I've seen how great and amazing he is, thanks to his mother and the disciples here. I also know from some of his classmates from the Cloud Recesses that came here to give a greeting, even from a letter from Lan Qiren complemanting him for his knowledge and strength in battle. 

She was right. A-cheng is an excellent heir and I'm too preoccupied with what I want and my dreams that I didn't even see the value of my own son. None of which I contributed to, it was all her. Yanli is also growing distant to me, she tries to hide it but I could tell she's very angry at me too. I sighed again and rubbed my temples trying to think of what to do when I heard a knock coming from outside. "Come in!" I said and the door opens revealing a-ren's distraught face. 

"We need to talk!"