ALOMST LOST.

Chapter 45.

Adrianna's POV.

Me and Derek arrived home to be greeted by Zena, her tail wagging happy for us to be home. We went upstairs and changed into pyjamas and just cuddled on the bed while Brooklyn 99 was playing on the TV. Tonight, was amazing I didn't even think about how it's not something I'd do because it's linked to him. Am I even over the accident if I can't even refer to him by his name? It's not like he's Voldemort. I still call it an accident like it was my fault, which I know it's not. I know in my brain it's not my fault but something in me still thinks it is, and I think that's what's stopping me from fully moving on. I think it's the guilt of all those little girls dying because of me, because I was a brat to him as I got older which was what gave Gideon the lead.

The thought of Gideon bought back the fact that I still hadn't read his letter. The team said it gave them closure as to why he left, especially Spencer considering they were close. But all I can think about is that he left me even after he promised he wouldn't and I know for sure that no matter what any of the letters say it's my fault he left. He left because of me. Because I was stupid enough to put him in the position where he may not have been able to find me again. And even when they did find me, I was in no stable condition.

"You're thinking hard and that's normally a dangerous thing" Derek broke me out of my mind. I sighed and got up causing him to sit up, about to follow me but I held a hand up because I wasn't leaving the room. I walked to the closet and pulled an old shoe box from the top shelf, opened it and got the letter out. Derek's face immediately turned into one of understanding. He knew in that moment what I had been thinking about, he had gotten good at that.

Walking back over to the bed, I sat between Derek's legs his arms wrapping around me, building almost a security blanket around me. "I'm angry at him Derek, he promised he'd never leave and he did. He was basically my father because my biological ones didn't want much to do with me, they gave up on me but he never did. Why did he leave me?" I questioned my eyes watering, tears threatening to spill. "You'll never know unless you read the letter" Derek replied, he was being strong, my rock to lean on for support, I had needed him for that recently considering Gideon was gone and with Hotch's divorce, Derek had been there for me in so many ways.

I peeled the letter open hesitantly, still not sure if I wanna read it or not. Pulling the letter out I unfold it taking a breathe before I start reading,

Dear Adriana,

I know you won't be reading this until months after I've left maybe even years, because you're angry at me right now. I understand that you will be but I felt as though I had to leave you behind. I felt as though I was putting you in more danger than you had to be in considering you've lived your life in danger. I also felt as though I was trapping you in a bubble of security and that you needed to learn to trust and rely on new people, which is why I bought the team into your life.

You have been my daughter since that first time I saw you on the board at the BAU, I knew great things would come of you and that you wouldn't allow that man to break you, especially once you got older. When you started leaving me clues, I knew you were smart but I never knew how much you would achieve and how resilient you would be not to mention stubborn. I know you believe your biological family gave up on you but they didn't, they just learnt to deal with the pain and moved on which is why they still treat you as though you are dead. I now need you to learn to live the anger and pain I have left you with towards me and move on.

You never needed me as much as you believe that you did because you are strong and you now have a whole new family behind you. Hotch was never a part of the plan, I had always planned for you to meet Hotch when you met the rest of the team but after you two bonded that night he came over I knew he could replace me if this situation was to ever occur, not that I could be replaced. I want to believe that Derek is supporting you while reading this, that Penelope is your best friend although you both clash in every way possible, Spencer is like the brother you never had and that you look up to JJ and Prentiss for advice that you can only receive from a female. I want to believe all of that because they are my family along with you and now, they are yours.

I will be there for you when you get married, although I expect Hotch to walk you down the aisle. I will be there for you, maybe not physically but everything I have taught you and told you I want you to carry with you through life. I love you with my whole heart.

Love Jason XOX.

Tears were spilling out my eyes, I threw the letter to my feet and swiveled round my face pushed into Derek's chest while sobs racked through my body. I was making Derek's shirt wet but the tears just wouldn't stop. I felt exhausted and allowed sleep to consume me.