Saudade | Loubbie

Chapter Three

"Danny, what do you want?" Lou put down her fork as she noticed Danny who was sitting in front of her wasn't touching her food. "I cooked your favorite fluffy pancakes and you're not eating it." She added softly.

The little girl sighed as she looked away. It was nine in the morning and it was raining. The gloominess outside only added up to what she was feeling deep down. It was like a tormenting show for the both of them - Lou and Danny - as they sat there, unable to fix the knot between them.

"You told me you wanted to excuse yourself from school and I agreed. Now, tell me, why aren't you eating, Danny?" Lou broke the silence, her voice firm and her tone wasn't soft anymore.

"I wanna go to my room." Danny's little voice resonated as she spoke, her eyes looking up at her mom.

"You won't eat?"

Danny put down her fork and kitchen knife. She then placed her hands down on her lap as she gave a nod to her mom.

"I don't like it."

"Fine." The blonde stood up, "You don't like your pancakes? You don't wanna eat? Then I will not cook for you anymore, Danny!" She grabbed Danny's plate and transferred all of the pancakes into the big plate before she walked towards the nearest garbage can and dropped it all down.

Lou with the empty plate on her hand looked back at Danny who was now standing beside the dinner table. Her hands clutching the backrest of the chair as she stared at her frustrated mom; Danny with her eyes wide and parted lips, the nervousness and anger building inside her young eyes.

"What? You just gonna stand there and stare at me? I have had enough of your hard-headedness Danny! Enough of that! You didn't eat last night and now you won't eat breakfast too?" She raised her voice to see if it had any effect on the child, but Danny just stood there, frozen and tapered on the same spot. "Danny, what? You want me to break this silence, huh? You want me?!" And with that, Lou threw the plate harshly on the floor and it made the little girl flinch.

Danny's eyes widened even more as she looked down at her mom's feet where all the glasses laid down into pieces. Her mom's feet were painted with dark red as the blood from her feet gushed out from her pale skin. Lou  shut her eyes before she opened it again. Her tears already falling as she stared at her kid.

"Can't you see that I am hurting too, Danny?" Lou broke down. Her tears painting her face and the blood continued to gush out from her feet, yet she decided to stay on the same spot - on the very spot where the broken piecies prickled her flesh and skin, "I ain't talking about this one. I am hurting because of what happened and what's happening. I didn't want it to happen either, Dan." Lou breathed out, choking on her own words as her tears continued to fall freely. "The pain of these broken pieces on my feet is just nothing compared to what I am feeling every single time you misbehave in school, every time you do not respect me, everytime you refuse to let me help you, everytime you say you hate me and that you want to be with her instead of me." Her chest heaved up and down as she tried to chase the air in her body, "I almost die when I gave birth to you, Danny. I gave up my life before because of you. And no, I am not telling you that because I want you to feel remorse. I did it on my own accord, because I love you. I love you so much that it hurts." Lou stepped forward, and the more steps she took towards Danny, the more blood gushed out from her feet, leaving bloody footprints on the tiled floor, "Baby, we are supposed to be a team." She added softly as she held Danny's hands. "I know you are hurt baby, but I am hurting too. And with that, we ought to heal each other. No fighting, no drifting away because it's just you and me now. Mom loves you so much. And we shouldn't be fighting like this. You can tell me anything and anything you want."

"I want mommy Debbie, not you."

-----

"I yelled at her, Tam." Lou blew on her tissue as she explained the whole situation to Tammy.

If there's one thing she was blessed for, it was Tammy. Tammy never left, she stayed; she always did. Even when she was at the different side of the world, when Lou needed rescuing, she always came. It didn't matter if Tammy had her own kids, her own family and that suburban life that never in a million years Lou could ever think she would have it herself. Tammy sat on the same sofa where the blonde had been crying for hours. The look on Tammy's face screamed so much pity as she looked at her friend, realizing how her life had changed when Danny came. The bar was gone. The big bike was replaced with cars. The layered necklaces were deleted and were replaced with minimal jewelries. Suits were gone too. Danny had changed Lou and her heart sunk down at the thought of the consequences that Lou was having out of it.

"I'm a bad mom, Tam." Lou sniffed.

"Hey, shh." Tammy opened her arm and pulled Lou closer, letting her breathe into her comforting scent, "You are good. You are one of the best."

"No, Tam. She hates me." The blonde looked up, "I tried. I really tried. But instead of patching our relationship up, it has gotten worse."

"She doesn't hate you. She's just upset. Remember Lou, Danny is just seven. Seven years young. So young to understand the situation."

"It's hard, Tam."

"What did she tell you?"

"That she hates me."

"No. You know what I mean."

Lou wiped her tears as she tried to sit up straight. She slowly put her newly bandage feet on the floor. What did Danny tell her? What did Danny want? The answer to that was all in her mind, crumbling down to the tip of her tongue, slowly burning and burning her like a little fireball. It pained her.

"Lou, what does Danny want?" Tammy broke her reveries by draping an arm on Lou's back.

"She wants... she wants Debbie. She wants to be with Debbie, Tam."

"Then give it to her."

"I can't."

Tammy smiled as she stood up. She then placed a kiss on Lou's forehead, "You know deep in your heart that  you want what Danny wants too. Stop lying to yourself." She smiled once more as she picked up her bag, "I put her to bed. She's asleep. You replace your bandage tomorrow. Call me when you need me."

And when the door closed, Lou pondered on Tammy's words. She hated it. She somehow hated the fact that Tammy seemed to be right, at all times.

***