Saudade | Loubbie

Chapter Sixty Seven

Debbie felt the whole world was shaking underneath her cold feet. The rain had been pouring since she woke up that Monday morning and the skies were far too dark, too gloomy that it evoked a kind of sadness so deep that she couldn't fathom. With her black umbrella on top of her head, she walked - not towards the school where was ought to be at the time, where she ought to teach law to students who will, in the future, become defender of the truth; instead she walked towards the cemetery, towards Danny, towards the place where she could breathe freely.

Nobody was at the cemetery, but her. It looked spooky. With vines so thick and tall wrapping the walls and the cobbled-stone pavement. The bushes on the north side of the cemetery looked a fright too, it would make somene think that  side could be a dumping site for dead bodies, but nonetheless, Debbie was not afraid. All her life, she had encountered too many experiences that spooky places do not sting a fear on her anymore. The brunette, standing in front of Danny's grave, was calm, despite the tears slowly streaming down her face.

"You've been gone for far too long and I am a mess wondering why you left me so suddenly - or where you could be now. I miss you, sweetheart." She mumbled, wiping her tears before bending down to put the bouquet ot tulips and daisies on top of Danny's marbled headstone.

For a minute, Debbie chose to not speak. Instead, like the devastated mother that she was, she just looked down and stared at the name written on the headstone. It had been years since her daughter died, and Debbie had tasted heartbreaks for many times, but none could equate to the heartbreak of losing her daughter. She thought time would heal everything, that time would mend her heart, but it didn't. She wanted to curse the person who said that time could heal all wounds, because if it does - why does hers still open and bleeding? The brunette let her tears fell. For Danny, there was no healing. She knew she was bound to suffer the pain of losing her until her last exhale. Losing Danny was her biggest heartbreak, and Debbie knew that forever it would be.

"Mommy Lou and I are back again. Well, not officially; we are taking it slowly but surely we'll do us again. And I wish I could share to you every blissful moments we are sharing." Debbie continued to speak, her face still full of tears, "Oh, god, babe I miss you. I miss you so much. Please just let mommy cry, okay? I just miss you that's all." She slowly kicked the pebble peacefully placed just a few inches away from her muddy foot, "How are you doing up there, baby? Have you seen uncle Danny in there? Oh shoot, I bet you didn't." She laughed as the memories of her older brother, who she missed so much too, started to cloud her head, "Uncle Danny was underqualified for heaven. He's in hell so don't bother yourself looking for him up there." She continued with a joke, feigning as if the joke could make her smile, but it didn't. "Kidding... I hope you and uncle Danny have met." Deep down, despite the realities of what her brother had done, she wished he was in heaven.

And Debbie chose to cry again. No words came out of her. She just stood there holding her umbrella crying in front of her daughter's grave. Danny's ghost and the sounds of her echo were taunting Debbie and so she cried; she cried for the daughter she was not able to save, for the daughter she lost. There were nights and days when Debbie realized that maybe, losing Danny was her karma - for all the bad things she did, for the people she hurt, for the cons she pulled off, maybe she was her karma, but still, her crimes were all done because she craved power, and Danny was just a kid, she should be out in the narrative of her parents' crimes.

"God, I hate you. I fucking hate you. I so fucking hate you. Was losing my daughter a payment for all the bad things I did?" She asked, her anger sprouted so suddenly that she threw her umbrella away as she looked up to the skies, "If yes, then fuck you! Danny was my kid and she was just a child. How could you do that to her? How could you let someone shot her with a gun? How could you..." The brunette who was noweat  soaking wet bent down and grabbed a big stone before she threw it up towards the skies, as if God was there and she could hit Him, "How could you fucking do that?! You are such a merciless man! Fuck you! Fuck you and your principles! Fuck you and your --"

"Debs...."

Debbie stopped as she heard Lou's voice. Debbie felt the rain stopped only because Lou was suddenly in front of her with an umbrella on hand. She did not speak, but the falling of her tears sure did and Lou only looked at her. Debbie waited for Lou to ask her what was she doing, why was she there and not in school. The brunette waited for questions coming from the blonde, but Lou never did ask. Instead, the blonde slowly took a few steps towards Debbie and with her free hand, she wiped Debbie's tears before placing a soft kiss on her quivering lips.

"You're safe. You're safe here with me, baby. I'm here."

And that right there was intimacy. Intimacy was not about kisses and blowjobs and fucking; intimacy was standing vulnerably in front of someone and have that someone say that you're safe, that it's okay to cry, that it's okay to be vulnerable.

"Baby, shhh." Lou pulled Debbie through her chest as the brunette started to sob, "You're safe. You're safe, my love." Lou whispered as she cradled the back of Debbie's head.

The blonde held Debbie closely as the brunette sobbed. It took a few minutes before Debbie slowly wiped her tears, and finally, she looked at Lou, with those gloomy eyes that by the looks of it, Lou knew she was in deep pain. Debbie did not ask her, nor did speak a word to her, but Lou knew her and she knew the words hidden beneath Debbie's tongue.

"How did I know you're here?" Lou prompted to which Debbie gave her a nod, "I went to school, sent Blaire to her class. I was meaning to drop off a hot cup of coffee to your office, but you weren't there." She held Debbie's chin and caressed it sweetly, "I was thinking maybe you'd overslept so I went to your house. It was locked. Your car was not on the garage. So I drove here. Like you, when I want to run away from things, when I do not feel so good, when I am confused and do not know what to do, I go here." She wiped Debbie's tears with her free hand before Lou looked at Danny's grave, "Dan? Mommy is a crybaby, isn't she?"

Debbie lightly punched Lou's chest, "Stop it." She said as she proceeded to wipe her own tears, "I didn't feel good this morning. I miss her." She wiped her nose before she turned to look at Lou again, "I miss our daughter."

"I miss her too."

"Do you think she misses us?"

"Hmmm..." Lou pulled the brunette closer to her, "I'd like to think she does. Despite how annoying we both can be to her, I'd like to think she does, baby."

"Oh the things I would do just to have her back." Debbie placed a kiss on Lou's cheek, "Thanks for being here."

"Thank you for existing."

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