Saudade | Loubbie

Chapter Forty Nine

Like the gardens of Babylon, Lou was left hanging. There were nights when the loneliness felt too deep to bear - nights when Lou almost give up - the hoping, the wishing. The bed felt too big  and she couldn't find peace anymore now  that she  had broken up with the woman she so dearly loved. The moment the engagement ring left her finger, her body felt more like a haunted house and she felt lost. She couldn't find the way out to the massive pain and regret that her soul was engulfing. There were days when everything felt a little bit fine - but each night, the blonde would find herself crying over Debbie, over the what could have beens and the what ifs. Debbie promised her that she would fix the problem, that she would marry her still: she was gone. Debbie was gone and though Lou never really stood on her door, wishing for the brunette's shadow to stand in front of her, still she wished for Debbie to be back again - for the brunette to tarry a little longer.

She sometimes wished for bravery; if only Lou was brave enough to fight, then she wouldn't have broken up with Debbie, then she wouldn't have to drink her midnights away. Lou wanted to utter her an apology, but she couldn't risk Blaire and so she never did reach out again to Debbie. The nights even become lonelier and the vodka tasted so much like regrets and self-blaming, but with Blaire - Lou was persistent so she could protect her little one. Even if it meant not having to kiss Debbie, not having to hold her and see her, Lou forced herself because she could not go down onto another path of burying a daughter. Not for the second time around.

"Where are you two going?" Tammy worriedly asked through the phone, "I didn't know what happened between you and Debbie again, but you moving out of a state, you, selling your bars, selling your house - it's just extreme."

Lou held the phone between her ear and shoulder as she continued to pack Blaire's clothes, "I want to forget her. Forget everything. And Tam, I need you on this. I do not want to live here at New York anymore. I no longer want the noise, the dust and the chaos. I want a place where I can raise Blaire peacefully."

The blonde heard Tammy letting out a scoff on the other line, "Going to the suburbs? Following my tracks?"

Lou shook her head as she laughed, "Maybe. But really, please sell my house and my bars. We will be flying the next day and I need you to sell everything that is in here. I really need to move out as soon as possible."

"But why? What happened in Thailand, Lou? What happened between your partnership?"

"Let's just say that I no longer want the partnership. I just want to move out."

"And what if Debbie will call me and ask where you are?"

"She won't. Trust me, Tam. She won't."

And Lou was right, Debbie didn't. But there was Debbie, everywhere she went.

Lou held the remote control as she looked at the television. It's the night of the business tycoons - a gala where every successful businessmen and women on earth would gather, flaunting their success for the world to see. And then there was Debbie, wrapped in a black gown with a slit that would make the men drool. On Debbie's waist was the hand of Keanu. He was smiling and waving at the cameras and Lou felt the the anger and disgust as she watched him kissing her on the cheek. Fix the problem and marry me? Fuck it, Lou thought as she tried so hard not to cry. But deep down inside her, she wished Debbie did. She wished Debbie was able to fix the problem, but more so, she wished Debbie would look for them and would knock on her door asking Lou for another chance. With a pang of pain that's rooted so deep in her heart, Lou was about to replace the channel when Blaire suddenly looked up at the television, abandoning the playset that she was playing on the floor.