Saudade | Loubbie

Chapter Twenty

When the brunette successfully got into her room, inside, she attempted to not feel pain. But as soon as she stood by the door, trying to unhear the constant knocks of Lou from the other side, she felt the breaking and falling of the debris of her heart. She wanted to grasp every little piece of her heart, pick it with her trembling fingers and cage it with her palm so she could stitch it back. But how could she do it when her fingers and every goddamn piece of her body was breaking too?

Debbie closed her eyes as she leaned her back against the closed door. And there, she sobbed quitely. Why did people tell tales of love as if it was a thing drenched in nothing, but honey and sugar? When in reality, it was a thing wrapped in thousands of wrappers and each wrap held different phases of feelings - one wrapper, it's happiness and the next, it's sadness, next is depression, and it would go on and on; it's an endless loop.

Debbie watched Julia kissed Lou, but she didn't see how Lou pushed the other woman away for she had already bolted up to the stairs leading up her room. And just as when she closed the door, it was when Lou's hurried steps were heard and now the blonde was banging on her door, asking Debbie to let her in.

"Debs,.." Lou knocked, desperation dripping on her voice, "...please open the door." Debbie heard a pause, before Lou knocked again, "I know you're not asleep, so please let's talk, Debs. Open this door." Debbie heard a soft thud and she knew that it was Lou's back leaning against her door, "Debs,.." This time, a crack on Lou's voice was heard, "Open this door and let's talk about us." The blonde's voice was gentle, yet Debbie knew that she was already crying outside, "I love you still and you just told you love me too, so please let's talk." The brunette wiped her eyes when she heard the apparent sobs from the outside, another knock came, this time, it was even louder, "Open this goddamn door or if not, tell me how to unfucking love yo--"

"In my face, Lou!"

Lou was beyond shocked when the door suddenly opened and there revealed Debbie, with so much tears still streaming down on her face.

Debbie's shoulders started shaking as she tried to hold back the sobs, "In my fucking face, Louise. She kissed you in my motherfucking face." She muttered to herself, Lou move an attempt to reach for her hand, but Debbie moved back, "Don't fucking touch me."

"Debs, I --"

"She was here when I was not." Another batch of tears fell from the brunette's eyes, she tried to quickly wipe those away, but there was no avail, "She held the pieces of your heart after I fucking broke it. And I get that." It was as if Debbie was giving everything up, "She was here when I came back, in that kitchen with you and Danny. She sent my kid to school. She cooked pancakes for Danny and she even told me she makes you coffee." She tried to smile, but her lips quivered as her tears kept on coming on, "She kissed you in my fucking face, but what I couldn't understand is this," She gestured to her sobbing face, "Why am I crying over it?" Debbie sobbed, "Why am I fucking crying over the kiss between my ex-wife and the woman she is courting? It fucking hurts, Louise." Debbie shook her head as she looked at Lou, eyes dreary and exhausted.

Lou was statued to her place. The words Debbie had spoken were all too much. She wanted to say something - lay all her cards on the table, but the scene of Debbie sobbing in front of her was a stab in her heart, and all she wanted to do was to hug her until she would stop crying.

"You made me do it, Lou." Debbie broke the silence, it was an honest blame, "You pushed me to divorce you. You didn't even ask me to stay." Her voice was low and somewhat careful, as if every reckless word that would come out would hurt her tongue, "It was just me and Danny." This time, Debbie slowly sat on the floor by the door and in front of her was Lou, standing while crying as she listened to every word that Debbie had to say, "I didn't know how to be a mom and Danny was so tiny and precious and I was so afraid that I could hurt her. I tried to be a perfect mom for her. I read books how to fucking care of a baby, asked lessons from Tammy, but I needed you, Lou. I needed you because I was still so afraid. But where were you?" Debbie looked up and waited for the blonde's answer, but Lou hung her head and ate her silence in shame, "I had to mother Danny all on my own, because you were busy with your bar. Danny almost died and it was just me who rushed her to the hospital. You didn't see how cute she was when she blew her first birthday candle and everything just piled up and I got exhausted because I felt so alone in our marriage. I gave up on you, on our marriage, and I thought that I have finally moved on, but..." She contemplated for a few seconds, shaking her head before she went to say, "...But I am still so in love with you. Damn you, Miller."

The weight of the moment was burning its way inside their skin. They were in a catastrophe. The once composed and I-don't-give-a-fuck-Deborah was sobbing and to the blonde, it was a forest fire. Debbie's pain was burning Lou down. The fatality of Debbie admitting that she too, was still in love was high and Debbie expected Lou to reason out, to claim her reputation and to come clean as to why she was absent all the time, but like a stray wind in a firestorm, Lou surrendered.

Debbie was taken aback when Lou slowly crept beside her and sat on the floor with her. The blonde didn't say a word, but Debbie could see how Lou's tears were engulfing her cheeks. There was silence, except for their muffled sobs and sniffs, until Lou chose to speak.

"I was battling with post-partum depression, Debs. I didn't tell you, because I too, felt so alone. I couldn't explain that phase. It was horrible."

Debbie's eyes widened in shock. How could she not know?

"The bar was noisy and the loudness would shut all of my dark thoughts, so I stayed there always. But I got out with my post-partum depression." She was able to elicit a chuckle as if it was something funny, "And I really did love Julia. With Julia, I felt like my whole life was perfect again and I see myself proposing to her and making her my wife; a wife that would never leave me, but then you came back." Lou looked down at her crossed-feet as she wiped her tears, "You came back and suddenly, Julia isn't that perfect to me anymore. All of a sudden my heart isn't beating her name, it beats yours again."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"Because I know I've hurt you enough and when you said that you couldn't take me anymore, I felt it because that time, I couldn't take myself too." Lou threw her head back against the door, her tears kept spilling as she closed her eyes, "And then you came back and I thought that it's fine, that I'm fine, that I've moved on, but I realized that you still make my heart go crazy," She shook her head, biting her lip trying to hold back her sob, "I realized I was fooling myself, because it's you; it has always been you."

"I --" Debbie shook her head as her tears spilled, her heart distorted with the confession, "I am sorry. I didn't know and I --"

"I didn't want you to know." 

Debbie kept her silence and so did Lou. But the latter was stunned when Debbie stood up.

"I'm going back to my own place. Coming here just complicate a lot of things and I don't want to ruin what you and Julia -- "

"Did you hear me?" The blonde stood up, "I am fucking in love with you still and so are you! I can leave Julia and we can start all ov --"

"It's not that easy, Louise. Don't speak as if things are just things. I don't want to be the cause of someone's pain."

"Not cause of someone's pain? So you want to hurt yourself instead of Julia? Think of yourself, Debbie!" Lou ran her fingers through her hair exasperatedly, "You love me and we can just start all over again. This is about us. Think about --"

"The us that you are talking about has long been gone! Don't you understand?" Debbie breathed as she took the image of Lou who was helpless in front of her, "I am going back to my place. We will talk to Danny and we will co-parent traditionally. I am leaving tomor --"

"I want to come with you, mommy."  Debbie and Lou were shocked to see a very sleepy Danny standing by the door with a dinosaur on her hand, "I want to come with you, mommy." She added.

And that was the knife that added more pain to Lou's agony. She turned her back as her tears spilled again. Debbie was leaving and so was Danny.

***