Saudade | Loubbie

Chapter Forty One

The moon was a little too pretty that night and so was the way Debbie smiled at her. The stars were at its brightest - gleaming and sparkling like tiny diamonds above. The ocean in front was calm -  it was as if the water was sleeping. The night was fun; there was a bonfire party happening just by the seashore. Lou
thought that she would never find something more beautiful than how the moon gleamed up in the sky, but then there were Debbie's brown orbs - too sparkly and bright, blazing with passion more fiery than the fire in front. Lou saw how her eyes shone brighter than any other light she had ever seen. It was so precious that it blinded her, yet she didn't mind. On those eyes, she knew she would succumb to her death.

"Care to dance?" Lou turned her gaze away from Debbie and Keanu across her as she heard a soft and manly voice behind her, she put down her tequila as she turned around and it was the same bachelor in the business who she forgot the name.

She smiled, "No, thank you." She uttered, looking back to where she was staring a little while ago.

Across her was Debbie sitting on Keanu's lap. On their side was a table full of different kind of drinks and on Debbie's hand was a glass of cranberry martini. It was a night of unwinding as what Keanu said so they were there, on the shore trying to claim relaxation and fun. But Lou was not having it. How could she unwind when Debbie was on Keanu's lap, his hand snaked around her waist like she was his property? Lou couldn't read what was going on in Debbie's mind, but she could see how well she was going with it; the way Debbie leaned as Keanu whispered something to her, the way her red glossy lips curved into a smile as he planted a kiss on the back of her ear. The blonde wanted to throw daggers to the scene in front, yet she knew better things than to make the affair obvious. She knew the price; she was the other woman and she had to kiss the torture of seeing Debbie with the legal one. Lou knew that all she had with Debbie were the clandestine meetings, the secret kisses and the kept love behind curtains and doors, but after everything she went through, she deserved to have a slice of Debbie, didn't she?

Lou checked the time on her phone. 11:36 PM. She had to be back to her hotel room before 1 AM because the hotel lady that she paid to babysit Blaire while Blaire slept had a shift at 1 in the morning. The party was fucked up anyway. She didn't need to see Keanu with her woman. The blonde sighed as she downed her tequila in one gulp and just as she was about to leave, her eyes caught Keanu kissing Debbie across her. Damn. It was a torture as the scene unfolded in front of her. The fire burning between them suddenly roared; the bonfire seemed to feel Lou's emotions as she sunk back to her seat. She was burning. Where did it burn? Everywhere. It burned everywhere and Lou felt every pain and every twitch of it as she watched Debbie kissing him back. Then she realized that Debbie was still his; she, on the other hand was a part Debbie took and kept. She engraved Debbie on her palm and when the letters started to bleed, it was when Lou realized that the pain was partly her fault; she engraved Debbie on her, in her.

The broken blonde stood up from her seat and scanned the crowd dancing on the other side. Men and women, all drunk and sweaty as they took the beat of the drums playing. If Debbie could have her fun, she could have hers too. She made sure Debbie saw her leave her seat, even made sure that Debbie saw how she tugged a man and how Lou offered a flirty smile, subtly asking for a dance. She did not intend to hurt Debbie, didn't even think that she could still inflict pain on Debbie, but Lou hoped that when she clung her arms around the man's neck and when she leaned to kiss him on the lips, she hoped it made Debbie burn.

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"How was the dance and the kiss?"

It was 3 AM. The stars were still bright, but the winds had gone more cruel now. Lou was in the balcony, nursing her vodka, hoping that her fifth glass would send her to slumber. The door of her hotel room opened and there Debbie was, wrapped in a robe with a drink on her hand too.

The blonde tilted her head as she gave her a look, "How was your husband? Did you have sex earlier? After the party?" She asked, trying to sound so casual about it, yet the pain hiding behind every syllable of the phrase was immense. 

Debbie gave her a none of your business look as she walked towards Lou on the balcony. She silently drank her drink before she put the empty glass on the table beside them and without warning, Debbie snatched Lou's vodka and drank it too.

"You kissed a man. Didn't know you could do that." Debbie spoke, breaking the ice as she stared at the raging ocean in front.

"You fucked a man. Always know you could do that."

"Can you stop being a bitch?" Debbie snapped, glaring at the blonde before she took a sigh, "I'm sorry. It's just..." She sighed again, the weight on her shoulder seemed to intensify, "I'm sorry, Lou. I'm... It's hard for me too."

"It didn't seem so hard when you kissed him in front of me."

"Lou, baby, please..." The brunette took the space as she held Lou's face, "Baby, please. You know it. I cannot just go cold instantly at him. We have talked about this. About him and about us."

The blonde, with her heart slowly crumbling closed her eyes as she felt the warmth going off from Debbie's palm. If only they could stay like that, that proximity, that affection, that moment, but she knew they couldn't. Debbie used to be hers, but not anymore. Lou bit her lip as she left off an exasperated sigh.

"Until when, Debs?" She whispered, her eyes digging at the brunette, subtly looking for the truth, "Until when do I have to act like you are not mine? Until when do I have to watch and feign that the kisses you both are having do not affect me? Until when do I have to see you as his? Debs, I --"

"Please, go along with me. Be patient, love." Debbie cut her off as she touched Lou's lip, "For me?" She added before the brunette leaned and placed a sweet kiss on the blonde's lips, "Be patient and I promise, I will put an end to our marriage. For now, I just want you to be patient."

"Tell me you're mine, Debbie." Lou spoke as she looked into Debbie's eyes, "Tell me you are mine." She added and whe  she did, it was when her tears started to fall.

The blonde felt like she was a ghost unable to claim the living woman she had left behind. Her feet felt shaky standing on an unsteady ground and she could feel that Debbie was slipping right through her like sunlight. She knew Debbie was not hers, but could that be justified when she was the first one who Debbie rightfully belonged to? She was the first one Debbie married, wasn't that enough to claim that Debbie was really hers? Lou silently sobbed as she felt the consequence of their secret affair. Everything that was supposed to hurt hurt even harder and all she wanted to do was to pick the rotten scab of pain off her skin. All Lou wanted to do was to pick Debbie, lay kisses all throughout her body and baptize her as hers again.

"I'm yours, Lou. I have always been yours."

"Show me that you are mine."

Debbie paused as she took the weight of Lou's command. The moon was gleaming down on them on the balcony and Lou was a sweet ephemeral torture staring down at her, waiting for her to do something. Slowly, Debbie held the tie of her robe. Her brown eyes glued against the cyan ones that Lou held. The golden rays of the moon highlighted Lou's porcelain skin and in that moment, all Debbie wanted to do was to show Lou that she was really hers. With a courage rooted so deeply in her bones, Debbie let her robe kissed the floor. In the balcony, she stood in front of Lou, naked.

"Use my body, Louise. Use me."

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