mild tw; mentions of abuse and self harm (dw i don't go into depth), lots of f-slur (i'm gay dw)
Germany woke up and yawned femininely. He put on a pink skirt and a shirt with some weeb shit on it. The straight girl who wrote this doesn't actually think men can be feminine on their own volition so she says the daddy dom boy made Germany wear it. Or she just writes Germany as a woman but replaces the pronouns.
"Hi dad!" Germany said as he ran downstairs. His dad was Nazi Germany. We are not going to talk about this. Nazi is either a bottom twink or abusive. The author will not put trigger warnings for abuse.
"Hi son I fucking hate you go die you fag," Nazi says as he curb stomps Germany into the ground. Germany lets out a single tear and walks outside.
"Hi America," Germany says as he sees America.
"Hey queer boy," America says. America is either a southern boy or a femboy like Germany. He tips his cowboy hat as his plaid skirt flows in the wind.
The bus gets here. Where are they going? High school! Let's ignore the fact that the author has never been to highschool.
They get to school. Germany tries to walk off the bus but he's stopped by a random country. Let's just say Mexico because the author is lazy and won't do any research about other countries.
"Hi Faggot," Mexico says as he kicks Germany to the ground and breakdances on his corpse. The principal, Britain, is looking out the window and isn't doing anything. This school is fucking insane.
The bell rings and everyone goes inside.Germany goes to meet up with the other axis power's children, because the author has no idea about foreign affairs.
"Hi Japan!" Germany giggles.
"Konichiwa!" Japan screams very high pitched. She's wearing a middle school japanese uniform, despite the fact she's in highschool and this school doesn't have a dress code. "Do you want to look at the yaoi I made? Gay men are so cute uwu!"
"Despite the fact I'm a gay man and yaoi fetishizes me, I would love to see it!" Germany says. Japan's ears flick because of course shes a fucking cat girl. She shows Germany the yaoi. "Omg!!!! Sinful!!"
"Describing Yaoi as sinful is homophobic. Many churches described Gay relationships as sinful, and even used a mistranslated verse from the bible to justify that." Italy says, materializing out of nowhere.
"Shut the fuck up," Germany and Japan say.
"Ok. I cooka the meatball," Italy says, dematerializing. The bell rings again.
"Oh no! Japan Sama, I have class!" Germany says, running down the hallway to his class.
"Sama is used for people with a higher social ranking then you. Despite the fact we are the same age, I'm going to ignore that. Bye Germany Chan!" Japan turns to the audience and winks. "Chan is a term of endearment, however it's usually used for children, animals, or youthful women. It can also be used for lovers."
Germany walks into his class, which is math. The author doesn't give a fuck about learning what new countries are, so let's just make the math teacher an organization. Let's do ASEAN. That's gonna be all the pacific island representation in this entire story, besides a stereotypical bit about Philippines being in love with America. The guy who colonized her. Sure.
Germany sits down. Someone taps on his shoulder.
"Hey baka, get out of my seat." Germany blushes. It's Russia! Russia is the schools bad boy. He's an alcoholic and we aren't sure about his political beliefs.
"I didn't see your name on it," Germany snarks. What a tsundere! Somewhere in the school, Japan is having a stroke. Russia puts Germany in a choke hold and throws him out the window. Germany finds this hot for some reason.
"Russia what the fuck," NATO or whoever the fuck I made the teacher says. "You're going to detention. So is Germany because plot development."
Math class ends. Mexico bullies Germany or some shit idk. Germany goes and self harms in the bathroom. Again, the author added no trigger warnings and goes into way too much detail. It's detention now. Let's ignore there was only one class today.
Germany goes into detention and blushes because Russia and Poland are there ig. Did I mention the author has no idea about foriegn affairs? "Yo whats poppin, it's detention time," UN or whoever tf I made the math teacher says.
Russia touches Germany's ass. This is sexual assault, but Germany likes it so that's ok. Poland does the same. Germany doesn't like this so later on Poland will sexually assault him more. Russia growls like the Alpha male he is.
Poland turns to ash in fright. It's the end of detention. "Hey nerds you got a group project for detention," WHO, the math teacher, says.
"This is detention," Germany and Russia say simultaneously, blushing because they're so in sync.
"Too bad," International Monetary Fraud says.
Germany and Russia walk to Russia's house together, for the group project. Their hands brush against each other.
Russia blushes. I can't be gay! I've dated women in the past! I don't like Germany! Russia looks at you. I'm going to ignore the fact bisexual and comphet exsists. Germany thinks the same thing but it's uwu bottom this time.
They get to Russia's house. The soviet union is dead in a pile of alcoholic bottles. "LOL" Russia says as his little siblings sob around their fathers rotting corpse.
The two faggots get upstairs. They type on their computers or whatever before they start talking.
"Hey bbg, how are you?" Russia asks.
"I'm good, my dad abuses me," Germany says, letting out another tear.
"That sucks. Wanna make out?" Russia lipbites.
"Sure lol," Germany says seductively. They make out. "This is so sinful," Germany says.
"Let's have sex," Russia says.
"We just started getting involved romantically but sure," Germany says.
"I'm not using lube," Russia growls.
"What the fuck is wrong with you? Lube is necessary for gay sex you fucking-" Russia puts a finger to Germany's lucious lips.
"Shut the fuck up bbg," Russia whispers. Germany blushes. "The writer has no idea how anal sex works. Your asshole is basically a vagina. You're actually gonna give birth."
Then they have sex. It's anatomically incorrect and somehow straight.
"Russia, I'm pregnant," Germany cries.
"I just coomed like ten minutes ago what the fuck," Russia says.
"My dad's never gonna give me our unspecified business because I'm a homo." Germany cries and runs away.
The End lmao
this is all satire btw. i find ch fanfic very funny, especially when it's written by a girl. like google is free and y'all don't use it? aight.
i don't really like the ch fandom that much. there's a lot of problems around racism and that. but honestly, the creativity y'all have is usually good. emphasis on usually. this fandom is kinda nostalgic almost, bc it's the first fandom i ever really participated in online. and it was pretty decent.
also i'm probably not coming back, but i might if i feel like it. idk.
1149 words
5/28/2021
YOU ARE READING
COUNTRYHUMANS ONESHOTS (COMPLETED)
Fanfictionim trash and this is shit eyyyyyyyyy I'm shroom and here are my oneshots! most of them are written late at night when my brain isn't working properly, but that's ok
