"Tear" - Park Jimin AU

'Tear' - Chapter 44

Hi guys! I know this is a very short chapter since I've suffered from writer's block on this chapter (I really hope it's not too boring). If you're still sticking around, I just want to say; I'm really grateful of my readers. I'm sorry it took me so long - I will write on soon. Thank you so much for reading my story and even having the patience to continue.

'Where is Abraxas?!'

I heard Jimin talking in a hard volume as I quickly went towards him in the room:

Empty bed, curtains that were still closed even if it's the middle of the night - because he wasn't awake in the morning, no... Abraxas.

'I don't know-'

We both looked around as it had already been around two weeks he was in this hospital for recovery.

I suddenly noticed someone laughing as Jimin and I turned around towards the door we just came in to. Not very much people were awake at this time of day, not even here.

Abraxas smiled and walked in a weak way but suddenly stopped walking as his face looked serious out of a sudden.

We were all quiet for a moment as the awkward silence of us three filled the room.

He suddenly grinned in a crazy way as he wanted to walk away but almost failed

'I didn't do anything.'

Jimin gave me an irritated look and walked towards him to stop him.

'What did you do?' He grabbed his pale arm as our friend gave me a playful look.

'Not again! We really need to do a blood transfusion again but almost all A- is used, dr. Jane!'

We looked at the two doctors running through the hallways behind him as I looked back at him suddenly holding one of the bags only filled with a few drops of blood that were meant for a blood transfusion.

'ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?!' My husband screamed yet whispered at Abraxas as he almost wanted to shake him from left to right.

'Maybe a little bit.' Abraxas grinned as he had drank so much that he now was drunk.

Jimin wanted to throw him onto his bad out of frustration as I stopped them just in time and Abraxas decided to sit for himself, not even noticing our surprised looks.

As Jimin and I gave each other a frustrated look, we didn't notice Abraxas suddenly being very quiet.

Abraxas' POV

'I'm sorry-'

To me, being drunk was only very temporary yet gave me the same symptoms as humans that wake up the following day.

'I-'

They both gave me a surprised look as I didn't know how to say this because I felt kind of ashamed.

'One of the doctors just arranged an appointment with a psychologist for me-'

I knew I needed to go - my self destructing tendencies had gotten out of hand for way too long. So out of hand, that I couldn't process emotions and feelings in a normal way.

'But Abraxas,' Mi-Cha said with a big smile, 'That's amazing! I'm so proud of you!'

Enthusiastic sounds and sentences of both of them fused into words I didn't listen to. My mind was somewhere else, like most of the time.

I may be present, my body may sit in front of them and breathe; exist. But a lot of the time it feels like I live behind a screen; like my arms, the company I'm in, the warmth of them - is fake. It doesn't mean I don't experience their love; it's just that I always feel left out.

Even in my own body sometimes.

Sometimes it feels like I was made for loving and understanding others - even if I didn't seem that way for a long while - yet created to destruct and hate myself.

'I'm sure you'll feel much better when you go!' Jimin smiled too and padded me on the shoulder as I was present for a second again, smiling and nodding back like I wasn't feeling all the things I was feeling right now; the way I was taught as a kid. Hide, don't show.

I can't help but to be scared of therapy. What if I can't be fixed? What if my therapist thinks I'm just an attention seeker?

And even worse, what if she too - will see my vulnerable side?

I guess I don't have a choice-

I looked up to my friends still talking to me as I reacted to them on auto pilot.

Maybe it's better this way. They look so happy - and I still don't even understand why they like to be around me.

If I do therapy for them, then, is that a reason good enough to take my anxiety of getting better and losing a big part of my personality away?