"Tear" - Park Jimin AU

Thank you

Dear readers,

Where should I start? I guess this really is the end of this storyline - and so first of all - I want to thank you.

Thank you reading my story, giving me stars, positive comments - but most of all, thank you for believing in me.

I have received a lot of messages - not only giving me the sweetest comments that have a special place in my heart - but also telling me this book has helped them through dark times; this means the world to me.

My mission is accomplished by being a comfort to someone - even if it has only been one reader. I am so happy and grateful I am able to cheer anyone up - even if it's just a little bit. Thank you for having considered my book; thank you for letting my words speak to you. Thank you for being here.

I think, I've not only ended this book with a happy ending - but also a chapter of my own story; a chapter I have never had the courage for to read out loud.

See, I'm not the most talkative in real life - outsiders may see me as a shy or even quiet person with a smile, however, there's so much more than what meets the eye - I think everyone is this way to a certain point, and that's human.

However, when you're fifteen years old, questioning if life is even worth it - feeling lonely and seeing every day as a hopeless battle; it's nice to have a space where you can finally be yourself - without being judged or ridiculed for it. Where people actually enjoy to listen to me at a time where nobody did.

A space where you can talk about anything that has ever hurt you; a place where you can be someone else for a moment and see your problems projected onto them with a hopeful twist - how cruel that may sound; an app where you can express yourself, even if you've never been able to in real life. 

I have felt unseen, unwanted, unloved, lonely and not worthy for a long time in the past - not only by the people I was surrounded with, but also by myself. This led to a very dark time of my life, filled with hurt.

An exception who has never made me feel like this is, next to music and BTS, my mother - I love her to the moon and back; that's why Abraxas had such good relationship with his mom - because I think the love and effort of (most) mothers is underrated.

Since I was kid - I have never had a normal, real relationship with my father, just like with my sister. It's better now, I forgive - but I won't forget, these things shape you as a person. It leaves scars that are hard to fade.

In the end, it's okay - and when I look back I'm maybe even a bit grateful - I don't want to negatively dwell on the past; I have learned from it.

So I guess all I want to say is; if you're irritated by your little brother because they do nothing but breathe, and you want to lash out - if you think about getting a child but will only make their life harder - if you want to gossip about that awkward girl always sitting alone; please reconsider.

In a world where everyone seems to be busy with themselves more and more, teach it how to show some kindness and love to those who deserve. Don't project your pain onto someone who's innocent; it will only make it repeat the chain of hurt.

Don't project your pain onto yourself either; you don't deserve it.

Instead, find something, a hobby - to express yourself and your heavy feelings in a healthy way - or talk to someone, a professional even.

Readers often tell me my story has been written so well; and I think the secret lies in telling things based on either true events or feelings - mixed with some (fan)fiction of course.

And so, yes; I think in my life until now, I have been Mi-Cha, Jimin (in this story), Abraxas. Mostly Abraxas- and that's fine.

But now, I am ready to be me.

It's been such a long journey; so many things have happened in my life until this point already; and so many things have happened in this book. It's a weird feeling it's finished...

Ever since I started this book - I have not only progressed in writing - but also in my life. I have improved a lot - so much; I never even had faith in recovering from these toxic patterns, thoughts and situations.

But I did.

Very rarely I still wish to go back to feeling the miserable emotions described in my stories, and sometimes I accidentally do - I've been hurting for so long, that it sometimes still feels unreal to be a happier version of me.

But in the end, I know these are all lies; your brain has been in a repeated pattern for so long, that it takes a while to adjust - even if it's for the better.

Sometimes when these feelings fade, it's like I've never actually won the battle; it's an invisible fight - healing a wound after falling or getting better after the flu gets praised more than surviving your worst enemy: yourself;

'You still look the same, I didn't see anything wrong with you, it's all in your head - just be happy.'

Harsh words, but that's fine.

In the end, you know it's only you that survived that matters. You who needs to be proud of yourself for picking yourself up every time again, you who goes on; and every little second of it was valid - even if some may not notice it on the outside. There's always this group of people that likes to complain and get people down; don't believe their negativity.

I think that's part of the reasons I'm also proud I have finished this book; when I'm older, I can look back and see how much improvement has happened.

I can look back with a nostalgic smile on my face; 'Remember this moment? Remember that?'

I try to be a better person to myself everyday, and succeed most of the time - even if I may still stumble and fall from time to time, that's okay.

Healing isn't linear; without a bit of darkness, the beautiful stars in the sky can't be seen either, right?

I know my stories - and me talking like this - aren't the most happy or cheerful probably, but it's okay to not be happy or cheerful.

I remember I would always feel even more guilty for being the blue color living in this shining and enthusiastic yellow society around me; my advice is - for anyone that feels that way too - that it is okay. You are you and that's just the way it is; why would you be wrong for showing your true nature?

Why would you ever be wrong for not being and feeling understood by people that just don't have the depth or ability to understand?

What's wrong about not fitting in?

Nothing is wrong with being blue; in fact, blue is one of the most pretty, comforting and calm colours; so many beautiful shades and characteristics about you you haven't even noticed.

I hope one day, you'll eventually be able to see it - like I, and so many others - already do.

I also hope everyone who is going through a hard time - or can relate to my story in some way (or not) - is doing okay.

Stay safe and don't forget how worthy you are. You are a bright star in this sometimes dark and hard world - even if you don't see yourself shining yet.

I wish you all the love, luck, health, happiness, laughter and light in the world.

Thank you.

Lots of love,
Eomma—Jin