NO REMORSE

Chapter 15

Macy's POV

I walk into the aisle and stop looking around when i find it. I look at the options letting out a shaky breath. I grab the box wanting to get this over with already. I pay so i can just go home already.

I wish i would have taken longer. The uncertainty is way better than 2 positive pregnancy test. I throw them on my bed. Fuck!

This can't be happening! I don't want it to be happening. I missed my period and i was hoping that it was due to stress but i wanted to be sure.

I don't have time for this. I have to work and study i don't have time for a kid.

What kind of mom would i be with my mom as an example. I would fuck up my kid. I turned out to be selfish, im paranoid with trust issues.

I JUST moved in to a studio apartment. It's not safe and the roof leaks but at least mom isn't here.

Where would i fit a baby? What would i do with a baby when i have to work? How on earth would i pay for all the stuff a baby needs?

Luca

I can't tell him. He doesn't want kids but i know he would take responsibility. That would fuck up his life. He would also want to keep it and i just can't.

I don't want to and i can't afford to. Only i could fuck up this bad. Why do i have to be such a mess?

Im on the shot and he always got me the morning after pill. How can this be happening? He..... not always, i left Christmas morning and we were together the night before.

This is all on me. That also means that it's just 1 month. I have time to figure out what to do but one thing is for sure.

I can't keep it.

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The doctor walks back in. "Yes the blood work says that you are 4 weeks." I nod still not believing it.

"We can't know much right now but you can make your next appointment at the desk." I bit my lip.

"I don't know what to do." I admit. She sits down next to me. "Where is the dad?" I shake my head. "There's no dad."

This is my mess, my problem.

"Then the choice is yours. What do you want to do?" I would be a horrible mother "i can't keep it." I whisper.

She gets up and hands me some pamphlets. "You could terminate the pregnancy or if that's not for you there are a lot of amazing adoption agencies that you could contact." She points at the pamphlets in my hand.

I nod. "Thank you."

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2 months later

I look around the waiting room at the free clinic. It's filled with all kinds of people that do their best to not look at each other.

Maybe they are ashamed, i don't know if i am but i don't feel so confident anymore. It's hard when i know what Luca would want me to do. That's why it took me months to come.

I saw a small bump this morning. No one knows and i haven't had any symptoms. "Macy Keith" I quickly get up trying to get this over with.

They put my legs up and get everything ready without missing a beat. I guess this IS their every day job. "Ready?" The doctor asks before starting.

My phone rings in my things. I ask the nurse for it to see who could me calling. Luca wasn't called me since that day but for some reason he does right now.

I don't answer but i get up freaking out. "I-i hmm i can't." The doctor nods putting everything back.

I change back into my clothes and practically run out of there. It felt like he was there washing me, asking me not to.

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Francisco hands me a plate but the smell got to me making me dizzy. "Are you okay?" He asks.

It just made my stomach turn. "Yeah." He races an eyebrow. I groan "im pregnant, the smell was bothering  me but im fine." He comes out from behind the counter and leads me to a booth.

"You don't sound happy about that." He thinks his everyone's grandpa. "If your worried about me not working don't because i will fix it. It won't be a problem anymore."

He laughs shaking his head. "It's not what i care about and i don't think a baby is a problem to be fixed but thats just me." I look down at my hands.

"All i care about is if YOU are okay? Your mom used to have your job when she was pregnant with you, you know." I didn't.

"Of course she's not you so she was only here for a couple of months. I know she is a tough person but you are different. You could actually do it right and you would be a wonderful mother." I shake my head.

"I can't and even if i wanted to which i don't. I don't have the money to do it and i don't have the space. There's just a lot of problems with me having a baby right now or ever." He nods listening.

"Where would i leave it when i have to work and what about my studies? when will i have time for that? I just can't. I just need to fix it."

I finally look up at him.

"I can do two things to fix all of those problems but only if you want me to. 1- there's an apartment upstairs is not a lot but it has two bedrooms. Rent free since im not using it anyway and the bills are already being paid when i pay the ones for the diner."

"2- i can give you a raise so you could have enough for daycare while you work. I don't think studying will be a problem for you. You are a resilient and stubborn girl, you will find a way to do it." He laughs at the last part.

Im not cut out to be a mom. A baby is a lot and i don't know the first thing about them. I'm an only child and i don't have any cousins. I don't think i have ever actually been close to a baby.

Plus baby's are expansive and a raise for daycare won't be enough for that.

I smile "thank you so much Francisco but i can't." He gives me a small smile before groaning getting up. He taps his thighs. "Old bones." He laughs walking away.

Adoption it is then.

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1 month later

It doesn't take long before they just hand me a book with potential parents. I lay in bed looking at the book with my head hanging off the bed. The baby moves making me laugh.

It feels weird every time it moves. It started a week ago but every day a can feel it more and more.

Most couples are nicely asking for a white baby. They don't actually say it, i don't think the can but i can read between the lines. "racist pricks." I laugh moving on.

I can't even imagine what the baby would look like.

Luca is blonde with blue eyes like his dad but his mom is latina. She has olive skin barely lighter than mine. With brown eyes and black hair. He has both of their genes.

My mom is Scottish, red hair green eyes. My dad is black but that's all i know. The baby could have any hair, skin and eye color. There's no way of knowing. It could look white, black, Latin or a carrot top.

I read over this page again.

Black man and Asian man. They have been married for 8 years and are both teachers. They have a big house and this would be their first baby of many they hope to have. They want a closed adoption too which is perfect.

I don't what him or her growing up and look for me. What would i say "hi im your bio mom. Your dad had a girlfriend and i was his side pice. I ran away, i was broke and couldn't afford. Plus im to mess up to be a mom."

I smile sitting up. "Well mr. and mr. Ashton it looks like we have a winer." Now i get to meet them and if everything goes well all i have to do is hand the baby over when i give birth and im free.