NO REMORSE

Chapter 18

Macy's POV

5 months later

I look at Alice sleeping in her crib before looking at the clock 8:24pm. I walk to the living room with the baby monitor in hand. I have 1 hour to study then 4 to sleep before she wakes up again.

I open the laptop and start on my first class. Im taking 3 online classes. I only need to do one semester because they are the ones a dropped. I'm trying to finish them as fast as i can so i can move to the next year classes.

Hopefully i will graduate in 8 months, if i keep it up.

I got my nursing degree 3 months ago and finally got a job last month. So im a nurse 4 days a week. I work at the dinner the other 3 days but just 4 hours.

I manage to put Alice's sleeping schedule so she's asleep for those 4 hours in the afternoon.

I work while she's upstairs in the apartment with the monitor in my apron but she rarely ever wakes up. That way she's only in daycare when im at the hospital.

I didn't have anything for her so all of her stuff is Christina's old baby things or stuff i quickly found on the Internet. I stayed with her the first months while i cleaned the upstairs apartment. I bought Francisco's old truck so i could move around.

It hurts my pride because im so used to doing things by myself but i learn that i would rather have everything that Alice needs than to have my pride intact. Im a single mom and it's hard but this is my choice.

I sleep maybe 4 or 5 hours and im always exhausted but it's worth it. She keeps me going. Mom thinks i should stop with school now that she knows but to me Alice isn't a reason to quit. She's why i need to keep going more now than ever.

I will be a neurosurgeon and i will give her, her best chance. Money is tight so she doesn't have everything the Ashton's could have given her but she will one day.

I feel guilty with them because they were so excited to have a baby but i couldn't give them mine.

I sometimes feel guilty that Luca doesn't know. Alice's best chance is with me but his is with Amy away from us. He would take responsibility but he doesn't want kids until after school and they won't be mine.

I don't think i know better. Making mistakes is kind of my thing but i made a decision when i left and im sticking to it.

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I breast-feed her looking down at her little face. Now i know that her eyes are brown, a lot lighter then mine but brown. I try to find anything that tells me she's Lucas but there's nothing.

I only see it when she smiles and she makes the room light up just like he used to.

"Your dada would have named you Darling. His kind of a mama's boy." She looks up at me as i talk. "He is everything am not. His a good, kind person. He has a mom, dad, 3 sisters and 1 brother. He grow up in a perfect house with a loving family. Perfect childhood."

"He said that he is his dad and that everyone says so bit i think his one of a kind, a star. I hope you get your personality from him. He is very tall, handsome, blonde with blue eyes."

She smiles. "You wouldn't guess that your grandma is a Latina. Oh he knows Spanish, i would teach you but im hopeless." I move her and start to burp her.

I don't know anything about my dad so i always tell her about her's. I also have 2 pictures of him in her room so she can see him every day.

She will know that im the one that kept them apart and if she one day asks me to meet him i would look for him but for know i will tell her everything i know.

She falls a sleep just in time for my shift at the dinner. I put her down on her crib before turning her nursery lights off. The room lights up with glow in the dark stars making me smile.

I thought this was the best place to put them. His washing over her. His a star, she is too.

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Christina walks in with her 5 year old Daughter. "Macy!!!" Jazz runs to me so i quickly put my tray down so it doesn't get knocked over. "Hey." I groan picking her up.

"We are going to the park and i thought you would like to come." Christina invites me every Sunday but i always gave her the same in. I shake my head "i still have an hour to my shift and then i need to study."

Francisco walks to us. "Get out of here. You deserve it and so does Alice." They have helped me so much. I feel like im taking advantage.

"Okay but i can make up the hour after 8 when she's sleeping again and i can help close up." The laugh but nod.

Jazz cheers and Christina runs past me. "Where ate you going?" I ask when she goes in the direction for my apartment. "Im getting my goddaughter and her things. You stay." I groan washing her walk away.

She's the only person i would call a friend. Francisco is more like that warm grandpa i never had. "Thank you, if you need me to take more shift j" he laughs.

"You just can't help yourself can you? I don't need it and if i did when would you have time to sleep." He laughs walking away.

Christina walks in with Alice and her diaper bag. She is crying so i put Jazz down and get Alice. "She does not like being woken up." Christina looks at her. I laugh calming Alice down. "Why did you even wake her. She could have slept during the car ride?"

She looks at me and thinks about it. "Shit." We laugh walking out.

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1 month later.

I lay on the floor with Alice playing with the blocks. "But then your dada pretended to be my boyfriend. That's all i'm telling you about how we met maybe when you're older you're hear the rest." I laugh remembering that night.

"Your dada is the kind of person that would help a stranger. His good , are you good like dada?" I pass her the green block.

"Dada." She repeats. I smile looking at her. "That's your first word. Yes dada. Say dada." I pick her up.

"Dada jtdji kpsst." I get up cheering. "Yes dada." I keep saying walking to my phone so i can record her. I put her down again. "Can you say dada. Alice say dada." She gets distracted by the blocks again.

I get the pictures of him handing it to her. She puts her mouth in the frame licking it making me laugh. "No Alice." I tap the picture. "That's dada, say dada." I keep recording. She hits the picture giggling. "Dada dada!" I laugh "yess that's dada. Dada loves you."

"Dada."

She says that all the time and when she sees his pictures. She said no, yes and yum after that. She didn't say mama until she was 8 months.