NO REMORSE

Chapter 20

Macy's POV

2 months before.

I bounce Alice in my leg making her giggle as i look at the laptop screen. "Okay Alice this is it, the last grade. If it's 100 we have a perfect record and a better shot at a scholarship for med school next year."

I need a full scholarship or i can't go so this would all be pointless.

Christian groans from the kitchen. "Just open it already. We all know it's 100 so stop trying to keep the suspense." I laugh before opening the email. My eyes bulged out. "Holy shit! I just graduated with a perfect record!!"

I get up laughing with Alice "shit." She says back making me freeze and Christina laugh. "No no Little star don't say that baby." She looks up at me clapping "dada" I smile but throw a plastic ball at Christina so she stops laughing.

"Shut up!" I miss her and she stops laughing. "Im not the one cursing in front of my kid." I laugh looking back at Alice. "Mama is going to med school in a year." I cheer making her giggle.

"Why didn't you apply for this year? You busted your ass to graduate when you were supposed to." I put Alice down so she can play.

Luca must be graduating too.

"I need a year off with Alice and save up just in case. I need a full ride and a family dorm so i can move out since im not going to work at the dinner anymore." Her head snaps to me.

"The classes are going to be much harder. I need to be a nurse because of the insurance for Alice so i can't have a second job."

She groans pouting. "It's going to be so weird. I got used to seeing you here every day." I hug her. "There are weekends for that."

♾♾♾♾♾♾♾♾♾♾♾♾♾♾♾♾
4 months later.

Jazz and i clap trying to make Alice smile but she just keeps playing with the cake. "Alice, Little star, baby look at mama." She just looks at me eating the cake. I laugh giving up and taking the picture. "I guess cake obsession runs in the family."

That gave an idea. "Christian can you get dada's picture?" She nods walking to the nursery. "Alice smile." She just keeps eating cake and looks at Jazz. Christina walks back with one of Luca's picture.

She hands it over shaking her head. "Damn his hot. I think you just took pictures off the internet. There's no way you had that and let it go." I snatch the picture. "Little star look at dada." Of course she immediately smiles.

I ignore her words because they hurt.

I know that it's my fault his not here but im afraid of his reaction at this point. I feel so guilty every day but it's to late to change it.

I sometimes look at my phone ready to call him but the fear consumes me. He would hate me. I can't stand the idea of him hating me.

Im selfish.

He has everything he needs to take her away from me if he found out. I can't afford a home, how would i afford a lawyer to fight for custody.

He could also take one look at her and say she's not his and call me a lying whore. I couldn't survive him denying Alice as his. She may not look like him but the older she gets the more she acts like him.

I take the picture. Alice stretches her little hands asking her dad's picture. I hand it over before getting my phone to record. "You want to give dada a muah."

She giggles before kissing the picture. "Dada" i laughs. "Yeah it's dada. Happy birthday Alice." I turn off the camera. I sit on the floor letting her play with the cake and picture.

Christina sits next to me. "I didn't mean it the way it came out." I nod and lay my head on her shoulder. "I know." We laugh because Jazz is eating the cake with Alice.

"Is he why you don't date? Because i have seen people ask you out." I shake my head. "I have enough on my plate without adding a guy that would take time away from my daughter, studying or work."

"What about my brother." She sings bumping my shoulder. "Nooooo i love your family but your brother? No." She scoff. "And why not?" She asks offended. "I can't be the only one that sees it."

She frowns looking at me. "Christina your brother is gay." She looks at me before laughing.

"Im serious, he has never had a girlfriend and his always with Jo. They were cuddling the other day, remember." She looks at me before laughing even harder. "That's awesome. Nana is going to die! Her homophobic heart wouldn't take it."

We laugh making the girls look at us. "I hope so, she's racist too." As soon as i say that she laughs harder falling back to the floor.

♾♾♾♾♾♾♾♾♾♾♾♾♾♾♾♾
9 months later

I applied to school this year and i hold the letter in my shaky hands. It looks to small to be be an acceptance letter. If it says no i have to stay at the dinner so i can live here.

I guess could get another nursing degree, a better one.

I put Alice's cookies in front of her. "What do you think? Did mom get in yes or no?" She nods her head eating her cookies. "Yes yes yes." She repeats making me smile. She will be 2 in 3 months.

I open it but im not actually worried about getting in i'm worried about the scholarship. "On behalf of The California University Of Science and Medicine i am pleased to in form you that your Application has been excepted." I do a little dance on my seat.

"Little star mom got in." I clap and she claps with me. "Now the harder part." I groan looking through the papers looking for the right one.

I show Alice the paper. "You read it i can't." She just keeps looking at me.

"Right, you can read." I tap her nose before looking down at the papers. "We-we did it. Alice we did it!!!!" I pick her up and run around the tiny apartment. "We are awesome little star!!" I put her down in her room.

I dance around and she does the same making me laugh. "Your dad is the only one that knows how to dance. Don't dance like your mom." I kiss her little fat cheeks.

♾♾♾♾♾♾♾♾♾♾♾♾♾♾♾♾
2 months later

I read over the papers trying to find my first class. I didn't know this would be a maze and the people running around are not making it any easier. I walk down the hallway looking around but i bump into someone.

I was going to fall but he caught me before i did. "Are y" i look at him and i want to hug him and run away at the same time. "Luca"