Dallas Winston - 𝕀𝕞𝕒𝕘𝕚𝕟𝕖𝕤/ℍ𝕖𝕒𝕕𝕔𝕒𝕟𝕠𝕟𝕤

♡︎i hate myself

A/N: modern

"I can't even look at myself." I thought in my head silently. Instead on the outside, I stare blankly at the mirror in front of me, picking away at each and every detail I hate about myself.

Your arms are too chubby.
You're too fat
You have no curves
You're too wide
Your nose is too big
Your side profile is disgusting
Your thighs are too big
You're getting a double chin
You eat too much
You're ugly
You're too short
Your eyes are too big
Your hair is always messy
Why is Dallas even with you when you're a 2 and he's a 10?

"You should be like the other girls he's been with." I repeated for the fifth time in my head. The other small, skinny, pretty girls he's been with. I just want to be like them but even if I starve myself to death I'll never meet my own standards.

Instead, I sat kneeled in front of my vanity mirror trying not to cry just in case my dad came in or my brothers.

Eventually, I broke my toxic cycle of going through each thing I hate about myself and I crawled to the corner of my bedroom and my phone started going off with notifications.

My boy<3: unlock ur window
My boy<3: im outside
My boy<3: i can see u
My boy<3: are u crying?
My boy<3: LET ME INNNN
My boy<3: babygirl i know ur reading these
My boy<3: if u don't let me in im going thru the front door idgaf about ur dad
My boy<3: get ur ass over to this window
My boy<3: i see how it is.

I walked over to the window with a sad smile on my face that formed reading the texts and I opened the window and he smiled at me.

"Hi." He said sweetly and pulled himself up into my bedroom.

"You better be quiet, his bedroom in right there." I whispered at him and he just chuckled and pulled me in by my waist and kissed me roughly. I didn't really give him much back because of the mental state I was in. He pulled away with furrowed eyebrows and stared at me.

"What's wrong. Why were you crying." He whispered and I sighed and walked back to my corner and slid down the wall.

"I don't want to talk about it." I really really did want to talk about it with him, but I hated getting guilt. Even if he was my boyfriend, we never said I love you. I felt like I was always a weight on his shoulders, that he couldn't wait to get off.

"Fine. If you don't then I'll force it out of you." He whispered with a mischievous grin across his face.

"Touch me and I'll chop your dick off-" I whispered before he started aggressively tickling me. He always did that when I was upset, I don't know why. It's like he had a sibling back in New York but I never heard about those days.

"Fine! I'll tell you." I laughed, struggling to keep my voice in a whisper tone.

I went to my bed and I sat on the edge and stared at my knees. I was horrified to speak, I was horrified to tell him what was really going on in my mind.

"You gonna speak or what?" He whispered, breaking me out of my gaze.

"I- how do I say this? I hate everything about me." I whispered, taking breaks between words.

"What do you mean?" He carefully placed a gentle hand on my shoulder but I shrugged it off. I didn't want to be touched, I didn't want to tell him about my problems. I just didn't want him, or anybody to be with me right now. I needed to be with me.

"My body is too chubby, my side profile is gross, I'm too short, I'm not strong, my eyes are too big, I'm not pretty at all-" Dallas interrupted me by putting his hand over my mouth and looking away from me.

"I don't ever want to hear you say those words again. Ever." He broke the whisper and I shushed him as soon as he took his hand off my mouth.

"Say what?" I asked him and he scooted closer to me.

"That you're not pretty. Because you are beautiful. And sweet. And funny as hell. And you're not afraid of anything, and you speak your mind. Your body is perfect and who gives a fuck about your height? I find it cute." He said in a low low voice, his New York accent heavier than ever, his voice raspy and vibrating in all the perfect ways.

"But it's true and every time I look at myself I get sick-"

"You want me to fuck you to prove it?" He whispered into my ear and I smiled a little tiny bit and pushed him away.

"Not tonight." I looked at him. I was grateful for him. I felt like I had a best friend and a boyfriend all in one, and you'd never say that for Dallas Winston. He was a bad boy with a bad boy reputation, but I loved him.

He attacked me with kisses instead and I wrapped my arms around him and felt a lot better about myself and my insecurities, especially with him to prove to me I had nothing to worry about.

~~~

He laid out, arm around me staring at my phone while I scrolled through my camera roll looking at pictures of us and adding them to an album.

He pulled out his phone and stopped focusing and soon I received a text message from him.

My boy<3: ily.

I looked up at him, looking at me waiting for a response. I turned my phone so he couldn't see what I was texting back and I pressed send.

Me: i love you too, softie.

I smiled an amused smile at him and he scoffed and rolled his eyes and squeezed my shoulder and I laughed.

I always enjoyed when he snuck in, because he stayed until the sun rose and he left, so he was with me all night. But this night, he made sure to stay awake and make sure I was happy again.