Red Hot ~Nikki Sixx

Part 61: Slow An' Easy

Nikki's diary

I'm, without a doubt, one thousand percent sure that if I could get away with it, and if it wouldn't hurt my kids, I would strangle their mother with my bare hands.

And you know what? I wouldn't even care if I got caught. Fuck it! I've been to jail before. I can do it again.

How she could possibly be so fucking stupid and get involved in a fucking drug cartel is beyond me. What the fuck for? God knows she got plenty of my money in the divorce.

I'm not sitting on my high horse here because God knows I've done some stupid shit in my life. Hell, I spent my first twenty plus years on this earth trying to kill myself with every substance known to man. But dammit, I have never put my kids in any danger. Even when Robbin was in a bad way and trying to get clean and I let him crash at my house. Then I found his stash and as much as it broke my heart, I had to kick him out. I couldn't have junk around my kids.

Sometimes I regret that. Especially when I started using coke and gear again and became a huge hypocrite.

I sometimes wonder if he'd still be alive if I hadn't made him leave.

But I did it for my kids. I couldn't allow them to be around that shit.

Some say there is no crying in rock n roll. But I am not ashamed to say I am on the verge of tears right now. Leaving everyone I love hasn't gotten any easier over the years. In fact, it has become nearly impossible to leave them more and more each time. And now that all hell has broken loose with their mother it's even harder to be away from my kids.

Thank God, or whoever the hell it is up there, for Tommy and Ashten being there in my absence to give them a safe place to land. Tommy's parenting methods can sometimes be questionable but I know he will take care of them while I'm waiting in this godforsaken airport.

And Ashten... Jesus, what a fucking saint!

Taking on a filthy, workaholic, messy, sharp-tongued, smart ass, recovering addict is a tall order in itself but adding in four kids, two ex wives—one of which is facing federal prison—must be astonishing.

Sometimes I question her sanity.

There's no way this has been easy for her. Having to step in during this latest crisis had to be beyond daunting. Especially with how I handled things so abominably during our previous emergency.

It'd been a long time since I'd lost my shit like that.

Funny, but situations like that make me very happy that I got sober and dealt with all the bullshit in my life.

If I hadn't been able to face my demons, I wouldn't be so lucky as to love an angel now.

Possible song lyric: what's an angel like you ever do with a devil like me....

It's making me rethink a few things. After splitting up with...ugh, I can't even write her name without swallowing vomit....the ex... I thought I could never trust another woman— that I'd never be able to ever again let my guard down again.

I didn't realize that to some extent I've still been holding up a wall with Ashten. And I still can't believe I treated her the way I did. I'm not sure if I'll ever forgive myself for it and I am amazed she did.

All I know is I never want to lose her. And maybe the idea of being with someone forever isn't completely out of reach.

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Everyone slept late the following morning. Even Nikki, who was a notoriously early riser, managed to stay in a deep slumber longer than usual. But even his jet lagged fatigue only kept him in bed until a little after 8.