Hitorijime My Hero

Family

How much trauma can a human take before they can't handle it anymore? It's a common question, yet it has no correct answer. That's simply because humans are a strange type of creature; one constantly changing and evolving. Every person has a different physical pain tolerance; however, they also have different emotional and mental pain tolerance that no one ever seems to address. The amount of trauma doesn't define how much a person can be in pain, at the end of the day, it's all trauma.

I wish I could stop time and stay like this forever. Masahiro cuddled next to me sound asleep. I observe the way his chest lifts and falls slightly with every breath he takes. Everything he does is mesmerizing. No matter how big or how small the action is, I could admire him for hours on end. My arms are wrapped around his thin body and I gently place a kiss on his head before I started to slip into slumber. Winter break starts tomorrow, which means both Masahiro and myself will have more time to spend together. We'll be able to talk, laugh, and cuddle more.

The yard was filled with snow, but a disappointed face was spread across my lover. I take a seat next to him on the couch and pull him into me asking why he was so down.

"It's just that...it'll be my first holiday without my mom. I don't want to seem ungrateful, but it's a family holiday and I'm not exactly family here"

"What are you talking about? You are family, we are your family, and we love you"

"No, you wouldn't understand" he said before getting up and moving to our room.

I followed him, despite for an answer.

"Masa"

"Huh?"

"You're right; I wouldn't understand. I didn't have to suffer everything that you did, but you have to talk to me before I am capable of understanding what going on in that head of yours"

He lowered his head and I could tell he was trying hard not to cry.

"I'm scared. I'm scared to lose you" he mumbled.

I walked over to him and pulled him in as close as humanly possible while placing gentle kisses all over.

"You'll never lose me, why would you think that?"

"Everyone I've ever loved has left, and those who I thought were supposed to love me viewed me to be useless. I don't want that from you!"

"I love you Masahiro, nothing can change that. I understand you fear losing me, but I have no plans of going anywhere" I said still holding him to my chest.

He wrapped his arms around my back and buried himself into my large frame. I am completely in love with him.

After dinner, Mom grabbed a board game for all of us to play, Monopoly. We are very competitive people when it comes to games and we often end up arguing and yelling. It's all for fun and we already know that whatever is said isn't true. I watch as Masahiro's face lights up playing, since he never got to do a family game night I assume he's happy just being here. He is family, he's been family for years. I wish he could understand how much everyone here loves him and enjoys his company. To this day I still have trouble wrapping my head around the person he's become, but I know it's going to be the best version of himself to ever walk the face of the earth. Kenny wins the game and after a bit of yelling and empty threats it was time for bed. Masa and I headed to our room and changed before hiding our bodies from the cold air via blanket and cuddling until we eventually fell asleep in each other's arms.

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Hi!
Classes start this week and I have very mini information as to where my in person classes are located...yay. Also I am going to be getting busier and probably work myself dry. My current family situation isn't the best as I am taking on the role of a caregiver while working towards actions that'll give me more freedom. I am currently being limited in what I can and cannot do and having to tell my family member everything I purchased. If I do not follow through with their high expectations they will become annoyed and display behaviors that remind me of past trauma. The limits revolve around them and their lack of confidence in me and wanting me to be around to take care of them. Following this, I do not get any form of payment/alliance for what I do. I apologize for spilling this all out, but I hope you can understand my stress from my living situation.
~🐝