dehydrated

dispair is in my DNA

"Come on Lou! We didn't do anything for halloween. We just hung with Zayn then fucked in the backseat on the way home! I wanna do something good for bonfire night!"

I scoff at his remark on the way home, the school day a busy one and Harry decided too skip practice. Since the catastrophe with my mum this morning, he's been showing me extra love. I fucking hate it.

It makes me feel presurred in a way too give us a label of sorts. Labels are hard enough for myself nevermind with another human being.

"Fucking isn't good enough for you now?" Bonfire night being this weekend I need to think of something and fast.

"No it's great but-" He looks at his boots, the only pair of shoes he seems too own, "It's my first..everything, without my dad, and I just want it too be a good time. You should understand- right?"

I do. I really do understand.

"Ugh alright, whatever you want." his chirpful grin makes me sick, why so happy?

"Aw yeah man, this is gonna be fun."

We haven't spoken about exactly what happened at my house, but I prefer it this way. Anytime we have tried to sit down and talk it turns into us fucking and I'm not neccassarily complaining.

I basically told him I loved him just indirectly, all I know is that, if it was me. I would want an explanation.

But then again, he is not me.

And that's why I love him.

~~

As I lie in bed, sipping away at a beer, Harry stays at his desk, scribbling away. His phone lies on the bed next too me. Shutters half way down, street lights barely peering in.

"What are you drawing, Haz?" I project my voice too him, making sure he can hear it.

"Wouldn't you like too know." Hearing the smile through his voice brings me butterflies like no other.

"Just tell me man."

He turns around in his chair, now making eye contact with me, his dimples prominant.

"You." He grabs the notepad off the table, turning it towards me. He holds it with two hands proudly showing it off.

"Shit Harry, what other tricks do you have up your sleeve?" I smirk at the picture.

It really resembles me in a way that deeply confuses me.

"Just you wait-" He drops the notepad on the floor infront of his feet. Standing up as he does so.

Shit.

Strolling over too the bed, he grabs my thigh as he sits down. Squeezing it like he has a meaning too.

"Har-"

"No. Be quite and let me do the work today." He slips his hand under my shirt, pushing it up my chest.

"No I-"

"Don't be scared Lou." He strokes my torso slowly, going up and down. I feel my breath deepen, the thought of what will happen next haunts me.

"Harry I don't think I want this-" I wrap a hand over his wrist, pulling it from my body. But, his strength can't compare.

"You'll love it." His soft hand continues to stroke my chest.

"Please, not today, please." I feel my eyes start to swell up.

"Come on, let me fuck you."

I shake my head, I feel a tear run down my cheek. He immediately removes his hand, pushing him away, I move back.

"Louis-" I push his hand away from me, as he tries too stroke my face.

"No, Fuck. You. Harry." I stand up, walking towards the door and out it. I hear his footsteps run after me, I stomp in the direction of the bathroom.

I step in before shutting the door after me, clicking the lock.

I resist against my body, not letting my emotions take over me, sitting on the ground. A tide of weeps drip heavily down my face, I try too keep my whines too myself but can't help but cry out.

I can feel his presence on the other side of the door, he knocks quietly, "Louis please, I'm sorry."

It feels as if dispair is in my DNA as I sit, feeling sorry for myself once again.

I always thought that my situtation with Liam didn't imapct my life too much, but honestly it must. Only him mentioning the act in which Liam did too me made me mad, now him nearly performing said acts made me feel this fucking shitty.

Sitting on the fucking bathroom floor, feeling for myself. No matter how many times I wipe the tears away, they carry on pouring. The cold tiles againt my bare arms, feel like they could kill me.

"Louis..." He taps on the door quietly, "Please fucking speak too me."

"Harry?" I sniffle slightly, trying too push my words out.

"Yes, Louis. Please, talk too me."

"We will- but please, leave me the fuck alone." I bury my head into my arms, trying too catch my breath back as he continues to talk though the door.

"Alright, just please, promise me that we'll speak." He taps on the door a final time before, I hear his footsteps trail off. In a direction I do not care about.

Resting my tired head on my arms, I slowly start too breath again.

Harry has both made me the happiest I've been but also the saddest.

I feel my tired eyes close and lips touch my bare arms as I drift off.

~~